By commentor SophieUK:
When AGR suggested I write this post about depression she referred to the fact I’m a published author and how jealous she is of that. It seemed fitting to take that facet of myself to illustrate the depression. I know many of us with eating disorders suffer or have suffered with depression. Sadly it seems to be part of the territory. It’s not that surprising either. However, what depression has done to my writing has surprised me.
I have always loved books and created stories in my head. I didn’t bother writing them down for a long time. Then my house flooded and I spent a couple of months away from home. For some reason, I decided to use that time to write. By the time I returned home I had a completed first draft. I played around with it for a while then sent it off to a publisher simply because I could. Eight weeks later the email came back saying they wanted to publish it. They also want to publish the whole series and the second one is coming out in a couple of months. Two books published before I’m thirty, I should be proud, right? I should be respectful of my writing skills and pleased that my stories are something other people want to read, right? Wrong. Depression and ED have robbed me of any positivity.
Instead, I have disclaimers. “It’s only lesbian fiction, that genre is less competitive than mainstream.” I have doubts. “How can they be making the same mistake twice?” I have worries. “They’ll be regretting that decision as soon as they start getting returns and poor sales.” I have shame. “I can’t believe I wrote the first book without understanding all these finer points of craft.” I have embarrassment. “Who am I to think I was intelligent enough to write a mystery?” I have obsession demonstrated with my constant searching on the net. A good review? That’ll be a friend or someone who doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. A bad review? Yeah, I knew all along that I wasn’t good enough.
The point I wanted to show with this is how depression ruins everything. It is such an insidious thing that you can’t even tell its voice from yours. You can achieve a dream and it will tear it down. I have realised that nothing in my life will ever be a source of pride. I will never be able to just sit back and think “yeah, that was a job well done”. I am destined to fail before I start, in my own estimations at least.
Now I suspect my writing career is over. I don’t have it in me to keep writing the books and feeding the depression with something that means so much to me. As with so many other things in my life, I’ll leave the writing dream cracked and trampled on the roadside.
Is it better to dream and be envious of one who has achieved it or to be the one who has achieved it and found it a source of shame? I don’t know.
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Depression is a grey sucking mire. SSRI’s helped me. Lamictal plus SSRI’s helped my husband. Also, though it probably isn’t covered yet, they’ve found a way to give you a 75% probability that a drug will work for you within a week of treatment. It’s still pretty new, but very exciting.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090910142404.htm
Last, but not least, no genre is unimportant; or even limited to one group of people. I doubt lesbian fiction is soley read by lesbians. I read stories about men and dragons and forensic scientists and dogs. I’m not any of those things.
Even the tiniest facets of writing make literature sparkle more.
Except for being published, I’m in the exact same boat. What’s the point of doing anything if I’m going to feel bad about it? If I get an A it should have been an A+, if I get an A+, I’ll obsess about that one negative mark on my paper. I want to be a writer, but I know that I can’t feel good about it, and if I’ve got a real reason to feel bad about it, it’ll destroy me.
What is the name of your book, if you don’t mind sharing? I’d love to look into it, being a fan of lesbian fiction and already feeling a kinship with the author.
I can relate to that! (Except of course the part about having a success in the first place.) I was on SSRI’s until I moved and no psychiatrist would give me an appointment during time when I was not at work. You know how you are definitely not supposed to go off SSRI’s without medical supervision? I did that.
Sophie, you know I know what you’re talking about. Depression sucks! It really does. It seems so easy for people who are not depressed to tell you to “just snap out of it” or “get over it”. Yeah right! When depression takes hold of you, it doesn’t let go without a fight.
However, I do believe with some help the depression can be reduced and possibly controlled over time.
I know you’ve been taking steps to help yourself the past few weeks. You’ve been to the doctor (don’t know if that really helped since he’s so closed minded about size acceptance) and you’ve looked into some therapy. I also know you’re trying to read through HAES and that you’ve done some other things to help yourself emotionally and physically.
The way I see it, you haven’t given up on yourself completely and that’s a light, albeit a small light, at the end of the tunnel. I honestly believe you see some hope in your situation and that’s a great thing to build on.
I’m not a qualified therapist but I do want to challenge you on some issues and we’ve always taken on each other’s challenges so I hope you don’t mind this one.
*Where are these voices coming from that are leading you to believe you’re not worthy of good things? Are they words you heard by someone you loved and respected in the past? Are they “reality” or are they “perceived” – these feelings that you have? Are you really not a good writer? I think not or a publisher wouldn’t have signed you on and then asked you to write more. Can you seperate the FACT from the PERCEIVED?
There is factual evidence that you are lovable and worthy. You have a partner who loves you, you are a SUCCESSFUL writer (evidenced by your two books and we’re awaiting more), you are an animal lover and your animals love YOU, you have friends who deem you worthy of their friendship, you’re intelligent or you couldn’t have written the books in the first place.
How can we get these voices to shut up? I know you’ve dealt with some of this for years so I’m thinking the beginnings of this depression actually goes back a ways. Think back to where you think those voices are coming from that are saying these awful things about you and to you. If you have to, scream back at them to shut the f*ck up! Scream, “I may not be perfect, but I AM DEFINITELY A GREAT PERSON! I’M A WORK IN PROGRESS WHO HAS ACCOMPLISHED A LOT IN MY MERE 30 YEARS!!! SHUT UP!” We’ve got to figure out a way to erase those old useless FALSE tapes in your head and replace them with updated CORRECT tapes who tell the story of who you REALLY are! Those old tapes are simply not true and need to be disposed of.
I know these things sound corny but they have really helped me through my journey. Think about doing some of them:
*I still have my bulletin board hanging in my closet and I pin things on it that I love…quotes, pictures, ribbons, napkins from fun eating places, tickets from ball games, etc…
*I have affirmations all over my house. Some are kind of silly but some of them are really cool. “The greatest success, is successful acceptance.” by Ben Sweet “You do have the ability to make the right decisions for you.” “You are cute.” “You have pretty hair.”
*I have FA and ED books all over the place. I can pick one up in just about any room in the house. If I’m feeling down about something or think I’ve lost my way on my journey, I pick up a book. One of my favorites is “Eating in the Light of the Moon.”
*I ask my hubby for a hug when I need one. That may sound really silly but sometimes that closeness and connection are enough to get me through the day.
*I rest when I need rest.
*I post when I can.
*I take the elevator when I know my knees won’t make the stairs. No guilt, no shame, I’m taking care of myself.
Well, I’m sorry I seem to have put on a therapist’s hat today. I hope it helps some and that it gives you something to think about.
On a sidenote: I think you’re brilliant. I’ve known you a couple of years now and you’ve always been the kindest and gentlest person I know. Give yourself some grace and be kind to yourself today, ok?
~sas
Hey all, thanks for your comments.
Piffle, thanks for the link, interesting stuff. It gets hard after a while to try and judge your emotional state. Trying to compare yourself three weeks into one drug compared to three weeks into the last one is fallible to say the least. Hopefully this research pushes the reliance on that down a few notches.
NotWednesday, I’m sorry to hear you know how I feel. I wish you didn’t. Still, a big yay for a fellow lesfic fan. I don’t want to name my book here because that would be a bit like promotion which wasn’t at all what I was aiming for with this post. If you’d like to you can email me at lannilvr@yahoo dot com and we can chat.
Meerkat, again, I’m sorry you can relate. It’s dreadful that you can’t get an appointment out of work time. Coming off the SSRI’s like that sounds tough.
Sas, thanks buddy and yes, you’re always welcome to challenge me. The voices come from me and I truly believe them. I accept my writing is adequate but it feels like comparing a dustbin lorry to a Rolls Royce car. Both get you from A to B but one you’d be ashamed to travel in and is crass, unpleasant and unpopular. I don’t know how to get the voices to shut up. It’s more an electric pulse of damning emotion with a word attached than a voice. By the time I’ve recognised it it’s gone and just left the residual shame. Thanks for the practical suggestions. I do have funky hair, maybe I could stick that on Post-Its all over the house!
Anyhow, I have my first therapy appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I’m dreading seeing him because I don’t want to find out he’s another dead end. Equally, I don’t want to pretend I can’t see he’s a dead end if he is.
I tend to “awfulize” as well… like that bit where you said you’re dreading to see this new T, cuz you don’t want to find out he’s a dead-end. Whenever I catch myself doning this, I like to flip my awfulization over… and wonder what might the best possible way this might turn out. What if this T isn’t a deadend? What if he really helps you?
Now… we can also take this same method and use it to imagine some middle of the road possibilities. What if this guy doesn’t have the answers to all your depression issues, but what if he knows someone who really can help you and can refer you to that person? What if he can teach you some things and can help you to some extent before he can refer you to someone else?
The thing about awfulizing is that it will often keep us from seeing the positive opportunities or the good things that can come of trying something new or putting in some effort into something (like writing or getting a new therapist). When we are only prepared to see the bad things then it becomes far more likely that all we will be able to see are the bad things and not be able to take advantage of any positive opportunities that arise.
This reminds me of what an act of bravery allowing ourselves to imagine positive possibilities can be… or allowing ourselves to see what is instead of seeing only the things that we don’t like or bring us down. I personally have been through my own personal hell in this life with child abuse, sexual abuse, the eating disorder, depression, PTSD and whatever else I forgot to mention. It can be really tempting to “protect” myself by expecting only the worst, so that nothing else can sneak up on me and hurt me. But, the thing is, this behavior isn’t really protective at all. It just locks me into this self-fulfilling prophecy of disappointment and hurt and alienation. Does that make any sense?
My challenge to you is to think about how your writing and new therapist could go right. And… I also challenge you to think about what steps you can take if this therapist isn’t a good fit for you. Sometimes planning and visualizing how to deal (in a constructive way) with a potential frustration can help us go into the situation feeling more secure in ourselves.
I’d like to ask you if you notice that you personalize any of these situational frustrations…? For example… if you try out a therapist and that therapist is a moron and just sucks… do you blame yourself for not psychically knowing ahead of time that this person wasn’t for you or blame yourself for even trying or feeling like life hates you and is punishing you by throwing a crappy therapist at you? I ask this because this is where my brain goes easily and I wonder if you can relate….? If you can relate, I can assure you that most people looking for a new therapist have to try several before they can find one that can really help them. You’re not alone… and it isn’t your fault or anything like that.
My heart goes out to you, Sophie. I hear the pain and frustration and anger and fear behind your words and I wish I could give you a nice warm and safe hug. And, I wish I could refer you to my therapist, cuz she’s amazing, but she’s across the pond from you. In addition to sending you some good thoughts… I wish I could also send you my belief that you are a good person and a good writer and someone who will find good treatment in time with persistence. Cuz… I do believe in you.
Finally, I wonder if your feelings about your writing also have something to do with the emotional anti-climax of getting published. There’s all this excitement in the first phases… writing… making connections… getting published… starting new work… getting that published TOO. 😉 I wonder if maybe your brain just needs a break to refresh for your next project. I also wonder if you feel read to grow as a writer and are somewhat intimidated by the prospect….
I hope I wasn’t too far out in left-field overall. 😉 I hope at least some of my words can offer you some comfort.
Hi Sophie – I have been there and know exactly how you feel. Depression is awful and it can ruin lives. I am in recovery for it and feel good most of the time.
Depression seems to have given super-hero powers. It looks like you are now a mind reader. You know what everyone thinks and how everything will go. Now really, a bit of cognitive work is in order here. Why would a publisher make the mistake of backing a loser book that just happens to be written by you? How do you know readers will reject it? Genre writing can be incredibly good and you may develop a loyal fan base. Did your crystal ball ever see that? Of course not, depression lies to us just like EDs lie to us. They both tell us we are not good enough. The solution the ED wants is you’re to go on a diet; the depression wants you to let it take over completely. We all know diets don/t work and many of us have experienced what happens when depressions takes over. Depression is also greedy – it will take everything you have and demand more.
Stand up to it! You are a published writer with a loving partner (if I read correctly) a great pet owner and many other things. Don’t let depression take that away from you.
I am so glad you posted and hope you are doing better.