About a week ago I released myself from the bondage of my cultish upbringing. It took me years to do this for myself…literally YEARS! I’m 46 years old and this is the first time in my life that I’ve felt free of guilt and shame on a minute to minute basis. I can’t express the relief that I feel.
I went to several therapists, beginning around the age of 20. I always believed my core issue to address was my father but I figured out just recently that my core issue was actually the religion I was brought up in. Once that realization was made I had nowhere to go but up.
I knew that I had basically forgiven my father for his abuse about a year ago but I still had this feeling of heaviness about something that wouldn’t let go of me and I figured out it was my beliefs from my past religious upbringing.
I am a victim…I’ve played the victim/martyr all my life. I learned from a very good role model – my mother. I was a pouter if I didn’t get my way. I was always worse off than anyone else around me. My problems were always exaggerated to make my life seem so pitiful. I was always so pitiful. Poor pitiful sassyblonde. I’m so mistreated. Now, mind you, I truly was a victim in some circumstances but it turned into a way of life for me.
Again, poor sas isn’t worth anything so why try to make things better. I’ll just wallow in my dispair until someone feels sorry for me. Oh wait! No one has to feel sorry for me, I feel sorry enough for myself.
Well, guess what! I chose to be the victim. I don’t have to be the victim anymore. I choose to release myself from that old religion and break free! I don’t have to be in bondage to guilt and shame anymore! I deserve better and am worthy of better!
It’s like I have more spring in my step and that a weight has literally been lifted from my shoulders. My heart even feels lighter. This change has allowed me to think differently. The guilt and shame had me encased in a balloon and objectivity and creativity were thwarted because of it. It honestly led me to believe that I wasn’t even worthy of taking care of myself. That “religion” had me convinced I wasn’t worthy of anything and that I was defeated before I even attempted anything…that I could never be good enough so why try.
The feeling of freedom that I feel is so outrageously uplifting and inspiring that I feel like a completely new person. For the first time in my life I think I’m a pretty lovable person and I have some really cool attributes. Why? Because I’m not listening to the old tapes in my head telling me I’m not worthy. I’m erasing those tapes and replacing them with some pretty awesome accepting and loving voices. I wish I could bottle this stuff and send it to every one of you! I’M NO LONGER A VICTIM…I’M A SURVIVOR!!
I’m sorry if I’m gushing but I’m just so excited about having found this feeling that has been buried for so long. I hope you have a wonderfully fun weekend and WRT2, I’m sending you a special shout out! I hope you feel the support of all your loved ones at this time!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Congratulations. I share you excitement!
Especially when it comes to thinking differently. I don’t usually hold with the ‘I choose my fat/ my fat is a rebellion against x standards’ line/s.
But if I did choose to be fat, it was to free myself from being told what to think.
Who said gushing is a bad thing??? Great post!!!! Whenever I need to remind myself that I am also a survivor, I also get the “Survivor” song from Destiny’s Child stuck in my head. 😉 It helps.
The hour I first stopped believing….. It is a relief. I happen to be a recovering catholic and I do feel that was part of my self-esteem problem.
Even though I hadn’t gone to church in years (except for funerals, weddings, etc.) I did experience a feeling of loss – loss of community, loss of tradition and ritual, loss of support. I think I’m past that now. It feels good.