Somedays I feel like my brain is completely broken. These are the days when I get on an ADD (or ADHD – I’m starting to see my own hyperactivity, though I’m not hyper all the time…) roll and can’t seem to help myself but to do one silly thing after another. Yesterday was one of these. I didn’t feel good about myself. It was one thing after another at work… I knew when I went in that I just didn’t feel quite right. I felt foggy even with my full dose of ritalin and some caffeine as a cherry on top. Still, I just couldn’t get my brain working. I broke dishes. I spilled things. I caused a big mess with chocolate sause. I ground coffee, put it in the brewer… and then would forget to BREW the coffee. I forgot orders. I suppose that I should count myself lucky that I didn’t bite my tongue or lock myself out of the car…
I have at least a couple of days like this a month. I hate the looks I get when someone realize I am on some serious spazz roll. Agh.
On the other hand, I’m also better at handling my spazz days with grace, so that most of the time people don’t give me pat advice that isn’t helpful (nor do I need or want it) or laugh at me or start treating me in a condescending way. Deep down it is a consolation to me that my worst days are a lot better than they used to be… but still… sometimes I wonder how I will ever fulfill my potential when I have such frequent set-back of ADHD that can really shake my belief in myself AND the belief that people who give the promotions have in me…
Hmmm… perhaps the most important bit is that I believe in myself. People seem to take their cues from me and if I don’t think my occassional spazz-outs are devastating then other people usually don’t either. But, this is going to take some time and practice for sure. ADHD and me have a long and painful history. I have a very deep habit of assuming that a series of two or three ADHD goofs completely dooms me to continue to make embarassing and “careless” (as my gradeschool teachers called it” errors. “Careless”???!!!???? The more I cared and the harder I tried the worse I got and the more “careless” errors I made. The mere mention of that phrase (careless errors) makes me wanna vomit in anger and disgust. Later in life, my abusive father/employer seemed to delight in using that phrase after he figured out how much it bothered me and even after I had explained many times that IT WASN’T CARELESS AND I RESENT IT BEING CALLED THAT! Grrrrrrrr… Roar!
I suppose it is time to remind myself that despite my differentness (ADHD, PTSD and such) that I am pretty sharp and productive. Like Sassy posted recently… perhaps it is time to remember that I am a survivor and a thriver here… not a victim of ADHD or PTSD. Besides, who is to say that some of my success isn’t due to ADHD. One previous pdoc of mine explained that ADHD was in essense just a super-charged brain and nothing at all to be ashamed of. I’ve wanted to see her point, but mostly I have only seen how ADHD has tripped me up – even after I have read all sorts of books and sites about how to use ADHD as a beneficial edge.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see any benefits to my ADHD, but right now I’m don’t feel that is the most important bit anyway. The most important bit is that I respect myself and believe in myself… rather than psyching myself into one mishap after another culimating in a second degree burn on my right hand… I wish I had just made that up, but I didn’t…
I had hoped that taking on a job that I am way overqualified for and don’t even need to keep would somehow “cure” my ADHD… and that taking this job that is so far below my potential would give me a break from my ADHD woes. No such luck. Ah well. At least now I know – an easy job doesn’t cure the spazzing, though often it is easier to hide, because I’m over-performing in so many other ways. I’m starting to feel ready to head back to the world of financial analysis, now that I know even a much easier job isn’t going to “fix” me. It is clear that the only option I have here is to accept myself, continue to learn to manage and keep taking my meds as long as I need to. It is something of a relief to realize it is highly unlikely that I will ever be symptom free or stop having crazy spazzy mistake days at least twice within a two week period. No one can tell me I haven’t tried pretty much everything: yoga, meditation, exercise, meds, deep breathing, therapy, visualizations, diet changes, using more caffeine, using less caffeine, supplements, prayer… and prolly a hundred other things that I can’t think of right now cuz I’m a little sleepy and, of course, a little spazzy. Yes, I can manage to be sleeping and spazzy at the same time and it ain’t pretty. It’s frustrating. Really freakin’ frustrating. Maybe tomorrow will be one of my less-spazzy days. That would be sweet. After the last three days, I could really use a break. I wear myself out sometimes.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Do your spazz days follow any kind of pattern, or do they just come by surprise? If you can’t make them cease, perhaps you could predict them? If you can predict them, you could put up a CAUTION sign at your desk on those off-days. Tell people what they can or cannot expect of you.
I hope the foregoing is not pat or redundant advice, but it is hard to see someone in pain and not try to think of a way to help out. However, if you find cyberhugs or sympathy or something of that nature to be more helpful, let us know. Indeed, there are many of us whose rational and irrational brain parts manage to lose touch with each other on occasion, and it’s frustrating as hell.
Cyberhugs are often. I do really appreciate trying to avoid the redundant advice thing. You have no idea how much that means to me… cuz ya know… most people (even if I do tell them this) still can’t help themselves but to give me at least a 15 minute lecture on how to live my life. At the same time… yeah, I understand the compassion bit. I’m like that myself. If I see someone in pain, it is very hard to not offer SOMETHING… anything…. to try to ease their suffering.
There is a 99.99999999999999999% (thought it feels like a 150% change to me) that I will have spazz days the two days before my period starts. I keep track of the dates on my calendar, so I can warn hubby and prepare myself for the onslaught. Otherwise, I usually have at least a couple other bad days during the month, though I haven’t pinned down when they fall. It seems pretty random to me. Sometimes it hits exactly two weeks before my period, which is some hormonal change point… sometimes it’s just cuz I’m having a bad day. Maybe I should try to track my bad “random” days on the calendar to see if there’s any pattern, eh?
Here’s a thought – if you do look for a hormonal pattern, try tracking your body temperature in the morning. This can give you a rough idea of when you ovulate, (your temperature would go up slightly) and you can see if there’s a correspondence there.
If you keep dropping the thermometer though, that would be a reliable sign that a bad day is brewing .
{{{{{AGR}}}}} <—cyberhugs
Thank you for your post; my three kids are ADHD, and I’m not, at least I don’t think so; and it’s so useful to get a feel for what might be going on in their heads. It’s difficult for kids to articulate things. Anyway, yes, you have ADHD, no, it won’t go away (so my kids’ doc says); and yes, it’s a pain to work around, but we all have our weaknesses to work with and you are accepting yours, which is essential for finding work-arounds.
Best of luck!
Don’t know much about ADHD or ADD so I can’t comment on that. I do hope you have a non-spazzy day soon!