The first thing I’d like to do is apologize to my co-bloggers and our readers for not being here lately. I’ve hit a snag and it’s brought me back to a mild depression that, if I don’t get a handle on it soon, will only get worse.
My depression has been spawned by non-stop pain. It’s that vicious cycle of self-abuse when you say to yourself, “well, if I wasn’t so fat, I wouldn’t be in this pain.” You know, the crap that goes around in your head when you only want to beat yourself up and degrade yourself just a little more every day? (as if the physical pain weren’t enough…let’s just top it off with a bit of self-disgust)
I’ve experienced this pain and occasional swelling for, I’m guessing, around a year and a half, maybe a little longer. I’ve been told it’s muscle strain and to not exercise. I’ve been told it’s a matter of needing to exercise. I’ve been told it’s sciatica. At one point I was told my foot was probably broken with a stress fracture. I’ve had x-rays and taken pain pills, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, gone to the chiropractor regularly, used heating pads, ice packs, etc…
This latest bit of depression really hit on Sunday.
My husband recently got a promotion and as a gift to himself and from me, we decided to get him a spiffy new briefcase. We got up Sunday morning and showered and had breakfast out. It was a rainy day but I was with my hubby and we were having a good day. We shopped for a briefcase from 9:00 that morning until about 6:00 that evening…pretty much non-stop. That means standing and walking all day. We went to a huge mall and walked all through it and we went to Target, Sams Club, Office Depot and some other stores. (I know there’s a whole other post in here about how I should’ve known better than to try to shop all day and that I should’ve done a better job of self-care but that’s for another time.)
By 7:00 (within an hour of getting home) I was in bed in pain. I didn’t go to work Monday or Tuesday. I stayed in bed both days. As the physical pain eased up, the emotional pain didn’t budge.
I had done some research on the internet last week and I found out that a lot of what I’m experiencing (almost every symptom) is exactly what fibromyalgia looks like. There is no known cure and the cause is unknown at this time. There’s really not much in the way of medicine to help people with this either. But it was still a diagnosis and it sounded right to me. I know that self-diagnosis is not always right so I had planned to make a doctor’s appointment to see if this was a possibility.
After the Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I had this week, I called my general physician and made an appointment for 3:00 yesterday. Before I went, I typed up a list of the symptoms I was experiencing so he would be able to read it and so that I would remember to mention everything. I didn’t mention believing that it was fibromyalgia because I wanted him to tell me what he thought I had based on the info I had given him. The paper I handed him had about 20-25 symptoms on it.
Now this doctor has come a long way in fat acceptance since I started seeing him in the 90’s. He’s seen me go through my depressions and has seen how I handle myself when it comes to self acceptance. I guess I was so beat down by this doctor’s appointment that I couldn’t even rally enough to get my point across. And for some reason, this visit seemed to be a reversal for my doctor because he was definitely weight focused.
I was sitting on the table when he entered the room and had my paper in my hand. I could tell he was in a good mood. He asked me what was wrong and I proceeded to tell him about my constant pain and he saw my paper. I handed it to him and he read the whole thing before saying, “you know what this is saying to me? This is saying you’re way out of shape and you need to lose weight. You need to exercise.” (He did tell me to purchase some Mucinex D, gave me a prescription for cough medicine and a z-pack and diagnosed me with bronchitis.)
He did not even consider looking further than my size. I am fat. I don’t deny that. But I wonder what he would have said to a thin woman who had walked into his office with the same list of symptoms. Would he have been so quick to say, “you’re out of shape”? Or would he have maybe said, “we might need to do some blood work or an MRI on you”? Or maybe even, “does anything like this run in your family? Arthritis? Muscle issues?” Would he have immediately said, “you’re out of shape” to a woman who APPEARED healthy?
Having said that, I will concede that I don’t have enough movement in my life and that exercise has always made me feel better physcially and emotionally. I will even go so far as to say I’m not as healthy as I would like to be and my choices have not always been to the betterment of my body, but STILL!!! Those things I can change. But what if, just what if, I were to lose all the weight that my doctor suggests and I start a healthy workout routine and STILL HAVE THESE SYMPTOMS? Then what?
Does that mean that I could’ve been diagnosed correctly in 2009 instead of waiting until 2011 or 2012 when (or if) I lose down to the prescribed weight and continue to exercise?!? What if I never lose the weight? Do I remain undiagnosed and just wonder if I’m crazy and are these pains really real?
But then what if it really is all about my weight? What if I do lose the weight and keep up a regular exercise routine? What if my pains do actually go away once I’m down to XXX lbs? Does that mean I won’t ever be sick with anything again? Does being a certain weight guarantee me to be healthy? No.
But does appearing healthy mean I might get better treatment by my physician? Does it mean I’ll be listened to more intently? Does it mean I won’t be pre-judged and diagnosed based on my symptoms and not my appearance? I say yes. Sadly, yes.
I went home after this visit with my doc and talked to my hubby about it. He felt so badly that the doc had talked to me like that and saw every point I made. He even suggested I go to another doctor which I very well may. I do want to get an MRI or something on my spine because I may actually have some disk degeneration or rupture.
One would think that after a visit like this with my doc, I would sink deeper into depression but it’s actually kind of renewed my faith in myself and my own body.
Again, I’m sorry for my absence lately.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I am sorry to hear you are down and it sounds like you have a lot going on.
Couldn’t bronchitis alone make you tired and feeling unwell? You may have fibromyalgia or you may have something else. It is my understanding that because diagnosing fybro and other such diseases is a process of elimination; many people go to several doctors before getting a correct diagnosis. It is not like they can look into your ear and see an infection or test for strep throat etc. These are somewhat vague symptoms and become indicative of a problem in their totality. Women are still struggling to have the medical establishment take these problems seriously and being fat is an easy out for a doctor.
I agree that the first thing a doctor generally sees is fat and so that is the diagnosis. Many thin people have these medical problems as well and you deserve to be treated in the same way. You deserve whatever tests etc. that the doctor would have given a thin person.
I hope you feel better. Try not to speculate about what if. It doesn’t matter. If you were thin you would likely be equally sick, you just might get better treatment. You already deserve the best treatment possible and that is what you need to pursue.
Hey JR, gosh yes! The bronchitis alone is wearing my butt out. I’m so tired of coughing but it’s breaking up and I can feel it getting better. I’m going to rest over the weekend. Thanks for reminding me I deserve whatever treatment, tests, etc..no matter what.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you, and my first reaction was anger at this doctor for not listening to you. My first thought was: not every thin person excercises a lot either. I’m pretty fat and I don’t have chronic pain and go to the gym and don’t have to stay in bed all day because i walked a lot the weekend before. Something is wrong and for him to just put it under “fatness” is ludicrous. What he is telling you doesn’t make sense to me. It sounds like lazy thinking on his part.
I’m sorry.
silentbeep, thanks for the understanding. My weight has not increased significantly in the period of time that I’ve experienced this pain. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been at my current weight for probably at least 5 years and only in the last year and a half have I started having these chronic pains. I don’t know, I could be completely wrong and he may be right. I just wish I thought I had been treated based on my symptoms and not my size. Again, thanks for listening and the support.
Did he check your vit D levels? Your B12 levels? Chronically low levels of these can be associated with pain that is difficult to get rid of.
I’d also have thyroid levels checked if they haven’t been lately. And your iron levels.
Fibromyalgia is definitely a possibility, and I’m so sorry he didn’t take you seriously. Some docs don’t believe fibromyalgia is a real diagnosis, be warned. You may need to switch docs to get taken seriously.
But I suspect that low Vit D in particular may be part of the problem. Not that supplementing with it will automatically solve all your problems….not at all. But it may help some. Many many fat folk have low vit D levels and don’t realize it. Get them tested.
Fewer have issues with low B12, but I’d still have it checked. And the thyroid function and the iron levels, just as a precaution. Remember to always get the EXACT results (numerically) and the scale they used to determine normal; don’t just accept a result of “normal.” Get your EXACT numbers so you can see if you are borderline or smack dab in the middle or what.
I hope the Z-pack hopes you feel better and I hope you will follow up on these tests too. Don’t be afraid to find a new doc either, one that will take you seriously.
Wellroundedmama, wow…thank you for hearing me. When I got home my husband said, “didn’t he even draw blood?” and I told him no. He was not very happy about that. I would’ve thought blood and urine would’ve been pretty basic tests but when you have the answer sitting before you (a fat body) then why look any further, right?
I have another doctor I think I’m going to call next week. He’s actually the physician that all our worker’s comp claims use and everyone says he’s very nice and listens to you (some use him as their physician). If I go in letting him know what I would like on the front end, maybe he’ll hear my genuine concern about my health. Then again, he may also look at me and pre-judge…it’s a chance I’m going to have to take.
Thanks again!
I’m sorry you are in pain and had such a terrible experience with the doctor. I had severe foot & leg pain for 2-3 years, and can relate.
I found chiropractic treatment helped alleviate much of the pain. Some of the pain was probably caused or exacerbated by a degenerated lumbar vertebra…..I have had back problems off and on throughout much of my adult life, with the most severe pain occurring during a period 25 years ago in which I was dieting, exercising and at or near so-called “ideal” weight, so I know it was not caused by weight or inactivity — but try telling most physicians that!
Another thing I found very educational and helpful in alleviating my recent foot & leg pain was a book I came across earlier this year by a podiatrist named Burton S. Schuller: “Why You Really Hurt: It All Starts in the Foot.” He describes how a common condition called Morton’s Toe can cause pain throughout the body. There’s a relatively simple and inexpensive solution (a homemade foot pad that supports the toe) that helps.
I know this probably sounds ridiculous given the level of pain you are experiencing (how could such a little thing affect the whole body?)… but check out the book’s description and reviews on Amazon.com. The book costs $13 (with Amazon’s discount) and the materials for the pads can be purchased for a few dollars.
You can still follow other recommendations — Vitamin D, etc. — and of course find a better physician. But I hope you’ll check out the book & Morton’s Toe and see whether that might apply to you.
I wish you well!
Peggy, thank you so much for your response. With your response and the others, I feel like there may be light at the end of my dismal tunnel.
I looked up the book on Amazon and also the website and am VERY interested in getting it. I’m going to go to a local bookstore tomorrow and see if they have it in stock because I’d really like to get it ASAP. It talked about how this could be (if I do in fact have Morton’s Toe) genetic. My mother had horrible problems with her feet that resulted in all over pain. I may be grasping at straws but at this point, I’m willing to do just about anything.
I’m sorry you had to experience so much pain but I’m thankful for you that you found something that helped you….and then passed it along to me. I’ll try to let you know if it helps me. Thank you again!!!!!
Hi Sassy — I’m so sorry you are in pain. From what I understand, exercise is good for people with fibro, but too much exercise at one time exacerbates symptoms, so it’s a matter of timing, amount and regularity. It drives me a little crazy when people are told that exercise helps with chronic pain when pain can interfere with the real ability of people to exercise due to the exhaustion that pain can cause. When you feel like you just have a certain amount of energy to get you through your day because of the pain you are combatting, expending it on exercise is hard to do, especially after work. And pain definitely interferes with sleep, making the energy part even harder to navigate.
Blaming you — what your doctor did, and what (given your own history, understandably) you are also doing, isn’t doing any good.
I think that a seing a rhematologist might be a good way to go, if your health plan allows for self-referral to specialists. See if you can find one that is compassionate and a good diagnostician.
You didn’t do this to yourself. Even if it is the case that losing some weight would help you feel better — the pain needs to be addressed and treated first.
You are brave, and persistent, and strong. There’s nothing wrong with YOU. What you are experiencing isn’t just to be expected.
I just wanted to check in and ask how things are going now. Has things gotten any better? Is the bronchitis clearing up? Have you seen the other doc?