I am exhausted. Depressed. Overwhelmed.
Now that my step-father (who raised me) is dying, it seems my mother is taking this opportunity to pull out all the crazy. To me it seems like she’s taking advantage of the situation to be even more inappropriate and abusive than normal. Maybe she’s not consciously doing this… but man… she’s a disgusting handful. But that’s not the whole story.
My step-father has been married to my mother for almost 30 years. He is insanely secretive. My mother didn’t even know how old he was. We found out through the hospital that he is six years older than he always told my mother that he was. I, however, was never allowed to know how old he really was… not until my mother got overwhelmed enough to finally spill the secret beans. If his age was a huge secret, can you imagine what truly important things he has also hidden? We have just discovered the tip of the ice berg…
Because step-dad is old and has obviously been declining over the last couple years, mom started pressing him to put all legal/financial papers in one place so that she’d have resources when he died. Before then, he only told her that on the day he died a man that she doesn’t know would come to her and give her all the information. Nevermind that this put my mother in a very vulnerable spot with regards to con-men. She pressed him until he gave her a safety deposit box key claiming that it had everything that she would need. Since he was incapacitated and we were told that he would die very soon, we opened the box. Empty. Completely empty.
We started searching the house. We found a secret bank account where his social security payments are deposited. We also found evidence of secret credit cards. So far we have found $22K in secret credit card debt.
I found some benefit information and started making calls to find out details on pension and life insurance, so we’d know what kind of income my mother will have. $15K in life insurance. That’s it. $15 freakin’ thousand bucks. No joke. He kept my mother isolated and didn’t let her learn any life skills and he leaves here with $15K?????? It’s like in death he wanted to give her one big “fuck you!” That doesn’t make sense, because he did seem to love her and they did get along… it just doesn’t make sense. I have some small hope that we will find some other life insurance policy that will actually be capable of supporting my mother. She’s only in her mid 50’s. She prolly has a long life yet to live and she will need financial support.
As his wife, she will be entitled to half his social security and half his pension upon his death. It’s hard to say if that will be enough as we’re still trying to find the pieces to this puzzle.
At this point, it seems like this man who claimed all these years to have set up my mother for a good life after his death was lying. He’s not even dead and I’m mourning. I’m mourning the man I thought he was and apparently never was. To me, the man who raised me (as faulted as I knew he was then) died last week when we realized that he has lied and lied and lied about some extremely important things. As things stand now, most likely she will be very dependent on me (ew… I can’t stand to even be in the same room with her… agh) and may need to declare bankrupcy. Just what I need. The sexually, mentally and abusive woman that I wish would just disappear from my life dependent on me. It’s all so disgustingly depressing.
As for step-dad, we were told he wouldn’t last the night a week ago. Since then, against all odds, he has been gaining strength, even though his heart is barely beating – literally. After a few days in the hospital, he became paranoid and decided that me and my mother were trying to kill him and that we didn’t really have him in a hospital… he thought we had him in some secret prison or something. No joke. He was screaming and yelling… it was horrible. It took four nurses to hold down this half-dead man long enough to sedate him with something in a syringe. Since that incident, they have been keeping him on huge doses of Ativan to keep him calm…. but when he starts gaining his senses again the paranoia comes back and only increases until someone gives him another dose of Ativan and Morphine. I have no idea how a heart that is so weak can sustain such physical violence and screaming. It is possible that he will survive in this state for months or even years. It’s sad to contemplate. I don’t want anyone to die… but it’s also terrible to watch someone live in such paranoid delusion and otherwise drugged stupor.
We were trying to set him up in home hospice, because when he was still making sense (before the paranoia) the docs explained that treatment would do little to help his chances for survival and he told us that because of this he didn’t want treatment… cuz it was likely pointless and he’d rather not have surgery and all that if it’s not going to make a difference. It took some doing, but I convinced my mother to honor his wishes. Me and my mother both had the same instinct to do whatever treatment we could do because there was at least a chance that it would improve his chance of survival. But, what is most important to me is that his wishes are respected and I was able to get mom to tow that line… and so, hospice it is.
The problem is… he can’t come home. My mother would be his only caretaker and he needs 24/7 care. We’re not completely sure yet, but we are assuming at this point that there won’t be enough money to hire in home helpers for when my mom is sleeping or when she needs assistance in caring for him. He cannot even feed himself or sit up on his own nor do the docs expect him to improve much. He needs a very high level of care. That means we need a nursing home – something he told my mother that he never wanted. It is heartbreaking to me that he is going to end up in a nursing home (even with all the secrets and betrayal). I suspect that the nursing home will just cause more paranoia, combativeness and delusion. As angry as I am, I also don’t want him to suffer. This just sucks. I wish we could afford home care. 😦
Meh… drama.
In the meantime, I am fighting my instincts to curl in a ball and do nothing about anything. Nevermind that the apartment is a huge mess. It’s a struggle to master my feelings of being overwhelmed and actually get anything done. I worry that self-care and all that will go out the window… exercise, cleaning apartment and all that. So far, I’ve been able to push through to some extent, but sometimes it is still so hard. It’s hard even without the drama due to my depression and PTSD. I keep reminding myself that I’m a much happier person if I take care of things. It helps… hopefully the struggle will become easier in time. Just about everything feels like a struggle right now.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Holy crap. Wow. I have nothing to offer here except my unending sympathy… and you have that! All of it!
This is so bizarre – I just can’t even imagine.
Sending lots of positive vibes your way!
I’m sending my vibes along with nocelery too. What a crazed situation. It sounds similar to my ex whose’s father just passed and was driving practically insane with the delusions and drugs and such towards the end. I have no way to understand how such huge lies can affect my life so I won’t say that I understand how you feel but you totally have sympathies and heart-felt prayers that the situation improves in some (perhaps unexpectedly?) better way than it is currently heading…
Oh my god, AGR, I am so, so sorry! That’s too much to deal with! I so hope you’ve got meat space friends who can take some of the basic crap burden off your hands — making healthy food, cleaning the house, etc. If you’re by any chance in Toronto, let me know and I will happily do those things (though I think I remember Chicago area).
But ask, if you can, for any possible help. And push off as much of the emotional crap as you can. And if you have a therapist, go whole hog. And rant and rave as much as you want on line. Don’t ever worry about sounding unreasonable or selfish or whatever. People care about you here.
It does sound like your dad was secretive because he couldn’t emotionally handle not doing the things he felt were important. It’s hard not to feel some pity through the anger.
All the best that’s possible.
I’m so sorry you have to be in this situation. Believe it or not, I’ve dealt with similar problems in my own family. It’s hurtful and I don’t know if there’s any good way to overcome the pain and frustration except through time and (in my case) lots o’ therapy. You’re in my thoughts.
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I hope I am not jumping in with questions or suggestions to soon but here I go.
Is step dad not leaving mom very little money because that is all he has or is he giving it to someone else? Did he support the two of them on his pension, SS and credit card debt or was there another source of income? If your mom is not on the 22K credit card debt she is not responsible for paying it but the estate is. Some things like SS cannot be touched but you will need to look into it further.
Also you said;
Just what I need. The sexually, mentally and abusive woman that I wish would just disappear from my life dependent on me. It’s all so disgustingly depressing.
Obviously this is tearing you apart. Must you let her be dependent on you or would you feel guilty leaving her to her own devices.
I think it is wonderful that you are following his wishes regarding treatment. Don’t feel too bad about putting him in a nursing home. Everyone says they don’t want to go there but not everyone has a choice when the time comes. It seems like a nursing home is the best place for him and everyone else right now.
I am definitely sending good vibes your way.
OMG, this is insane! I can relate to this at least a little bit – I spent 6 years with a man who I found out late into the relationship was a pathological liar. He lied about anything and everything – his nationality, where he grew up, having a high school degree (he dropped out and got a GED), having a college degree (I never did get a straight answer on this, but he’s claimed several different degrees from different universities, none of which seem to exist). He even once lied about his sister, who I knew and loved, committing suicide! Imagine my shock when I got an email from her ~6 months later! He was also a spending addict, and borrowed, lied, and stole me into bankruptcy. So I know how angry and powerlessness this can make a person feel. I’m sooo sorry to hear you’re going through this, especially from a once-respected parental figure – and especially given the consequences it will have for your relationship with your mother. Hang in there. I’m hoping for your sake that the strange man really will show up, and will bring some signs of hope (e.g., maybe a better life insurance policy). Take care of yourself!
I’m sorry you’re going through such a horrible time right now. I just wanted to say that you are under absolutely no obligation to take care of your mother financially or otherwise (unless I’m missing something). You could even choose to have no contact with her at all if you wanted. It seems to me that helping her out at this point would be continuing a pattern of abuse (even if it’s not as bad as it used to be). I wish you strength and hope you will be kind to yourself.
I send you my sympathy & best wishes & positive vibes. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all this.
I feel so much sympathy for you right now, AGR. I hope that something good can be gotten out of this situation.
Keep in mind that your mother is in her 50’s. She is a grown woman. The only person that you are responsible for is yourself (and children, if you decide to have them).
Nursing homes aren’t all bad. My great-grandmother had Alzheimer’s related dementia, and required 24hr care. Due to lack of adequate funds, a nursing home was the only feasible option for our family. She lived out the rest of her days well-cared for by the kind and caring staff. Don’t feel guilty if this is your only option…just research the home before you place your stepfather there.
Medicare has a service where you punch in your zip code, and they will give you the results of the inspections of nursing homes in your area:
http://tinyurl.com/comparenursinghomes
Hope this helps…and I hope things will get better for you. Remember that all of us internet people here are rootin’ for ya. Even if life seems really crappy right now…try to enjoy the little things. @)–>—–
Thank you so much, friends. Hearing that others can relate and simply that people believe and validate me is more valuable than I can explain. Sometimes it is a little too easy to forget where reality is when I’ve been around my mother too much…
However, this time, I will admit that I’ve done pretty well respective to how I’ve dealt with her in the past. My coping skills are getting stronger every day, apparently.
I appreciate the argument from those of you who suggest the idea of cutting off my mother all together. Part of me agrees with you. JennyRose, this argument coming from you sounds especially strong as I consider you a lovely friend who has offered me wise words for years now. That said, the reality is that I have a hard time even considering that option at this point… even with my own husband wishing I would just have nothing to do with any of my parents ever again – step or bio. Why is this? I’m not exactly sure… but my mind first suggest compassion when I ask myself. My mother is a psycho and she has caused me a lot of misery. That is true. At the same time…. she has prolly been brain damaged from birth and I have a hard time turning away from such a vulnerable person even when I loathe her. I often wish I could just cut her off… but I’m not sure I could live with myself if I did. I dunno…
As some of you know, I have already cut off the entire bio-dad’s side of the family including bio-dad, step-mother and step-brother. That was hard enough… after all that, it is hard to think of going through another round of pruning… but, maybe someday I will change my mind.
At the moment, all I can bring myself to do is to try to encourage others to help my mother and encourage her not to cling onto me. I have had some success in this area. I have gone so far as to straight up tell my mother’s best friend and my uncle WHY I cannot stand being around my mother long… I tossed out some details of the abuse. They believed me and sympathized… and it seems that telling them some details has made them more willing to deal with her in my stead, since they know I cannot stand her and can only offer limited support…
AGR, I cannot express enough how proud of you I am. Why? You’ve asked for help and opened up to other family members and friends. That is a huge and brave step and you should be so proud of yourself too! Yes, I would agree that you have definitely come a long way in learning how to cope with your crazy mother’s ways.
I don’t mean for this to sound morbid so please forgive me if it does but I say this from experience. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer on April 1, 2004 I started seeing a woman who had driven across town to get her own groceries a few days before, go downhill amazingly fast. I knew she didn’t want to go into a nursing home and I was very fortunate to have a job that allowed me to take time off to spend with her. I was also fortunate to have a wonderful hospice team come to her house and help me.
Back to her not wanting to go into a nursing home. In one week my mom went from driving a car to needing a walker to get around. The next week she slumped in a wheelchair barely awake when I took her to a doctor’s appointment. The next week she was non-responsive and just a shell. I believe my mom simply gave up on life and willed herself to die because she didn’t want to be a burden to anyone anymore (not even in a nursing home). On April 18 she took her last breath.
My point is that if you’re step father doesn’t want to go into a nursing home and he knows that’s what you’re thinking, he may make the option impossible. I also want to suggest that the combativeness might be the medications he’s on. My father was in the hospital many many times near death, and his most beligerant and combative times were when he was on meds in the hospital.
I hate that your step father has left your mother in this situation (notice I said, “your mother”, not you). I really do. AGR, we’ve been through a lot together and again, I think you’ve learned a hell of a lot about yourself and how to protect your emotional well being. This may be one of the biggest tests you’ll face to see if you can put into place all the coping skills you have learned over the years.
First and foremost you take care of YOU. If you don’t take care of you, you’re no good to anyone else. You keep you safe so you can care for your own family, your hubby and the fur babies. They are your family now. And do as you have and ask for help when you need it. Don’t take all this on by yourself. Post about it if you want.
We’re here for you.
Hi AGR sweetie,
I’m so sorry for all of this.
There is just a huge amount of crap in this.
But, all you can do, is take the best care of yourself possible as it falls around you.
Whatever that looks like right now is okay. You can get to your own normal later.
You have a very grounded place within you — I hope you are able to visit it and stay in it as long as you can in this situation.
You are in my thoughts.
I’m sorry I have been away from my computer, life has just been way too busy.
Email or call or just telepathically send out a vibe if you need it. I’m here!
–WRT2
I think you have struck a good compromise. Doing something out of guilt isn’t the worst thing in the world. It sounds like you have some good boundaries to work with. Maybe you can discuss this with your husband to get his feedback and to show him you are taking care of yourself.
Just wanted to let you know I’m still thinking about you and hoping things are going better. Stay strong.
Hope you’re still hanging in there and managing to get in some good self-care. I’m thinking about you always.
You’re still my first hit, since I love your site and you have all the feeds on the side. Sure wish you were feeling well enough to write something — not for my amusement, but to know you’re doing okay. Hell of a time for you.
I do this meditation schtick, where I lie on the bed and just become aware of the externality of the world — the sounds being separate from me. Then move on to the sense of touch — becoming aware of the wrinkle under my ankle and the cooler air on my arms, etc. and how my skin is separate from my core self. Then I go into my anxiety and think about how the glands are producing adrenaline and it makes my heart beat fast and how that is separate from and irrelevant to my core self. It’s just something to notice and then ignore. Then I move onto my feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of guilt and I tell myself, yet again, that these are fleeting things brought to mind by lifelong habits of thinking and that they are not the full and true me. It’s all about creating some distance between you and your miseries.
Undoubtedly of no help whatsoever, but it’s all I got.
Best wishes, really,
Trabb’s Boy