It has felt like 10 years since I got the call about my step-father dying and all the ensuing drama though it’s been only a month or so. Posting has felt like far too much to ask from myself. I suppose I’ve been grieving. My step-father is actually still alive and doing far better than we had ever hoped he would, but all the revelations about his secrets that came out when we thought he was dying and we went on an easter egg hunt around the house to find legal paperwork has been a lot to deal with. As I posted before, I feel like he’s died already, because the man I thought I knew is gone. I did know he was a hugely messed up person… but I had no idea he’d leave my mother with nothing but lies, secret debt and no will for protection against his four children from a previous marraige that he has had no relationship with for the last THIRTY YEARS. Sheesh. At one point, my mother was seriously considering (with my support) a quickee divorce from my step-father before he died, because being married to him when he died with all the secret debt and no will would financially strap her hugely and in ways she might not be able to recover from. That was a fun load of drama, let me tell you. <<barf>> Thankfully, my stepfather capitulated, got a will written and gave my mother power of attourney so the divorce option was no longer necessary and my mother is willing to stay with my stepfather until the end. I have been trying to keep my distance from all the drama, but it has still felt overwhelming. Thankfully, my mother’s siblings have stepped up to support her, so that she is not clinging so much to me… which is very good, because my mother is very toxic to me… very, very toxic…
In other news, our little feral friend, Mr. Orange, has found a home. Through a connection at a cat shelter I am connected with I was put in contact with a lovely woman with a horse farm and a heart big enough for an unpettable orange cat. She has another feral that has become fairly people-friendly and she was willing to take on another feral fur-child. Mr. Orange will spend the winter with his new horse roommates, a heated cat bed and top notch cat food. She’s even discovered that Mr. O likes catnip! He was always too nervous in my small apartment to play with any toys or catnip. Mr. O’s new mom says she will send me updates on how he’s doing and she’s agreed that if (for some reason) she cannot keep him that she will give him back to me and hubby, so we can make sure he gets another good home. We don’t want him to end up in the pound. As a hissy feral, it would be very unlikely that he would be adopted, so finding him a home is a big project, but a project that we would rather take on than leave him abandoned. We love the little guy. I miss him…. but I’m also so happy for him. I have a feeling this situation will work very well for him.
Body acceptance has been on my mind, as it ever is. New Years is around the corner and I work in a job where I sell a lot of full fat coffee drinks and pastries, so the folks who worship at the alter of thin have been extra loud and annoying lately. On the up-side, it’s given me a lot of practice in diplomacy in the face of willful ignorance. My feathers are hardly ruffled when faced with a woman who is very thin complaining that 200 calories is an entire meal and wayyyyyyyyyyy too much to eat even though she’s very hungry. Neither do I accept this thinking as normal or healthy. Maybe I’m finding a little peace in a world full of people that I find crazy the vast majority of the time.
But, you know… fat is just so evil. It makes everything worse, of course. Take my fat girl cat for example. My sweet little piglet. On a lark, I decided to see what would happen if I fed all the cats the high fat food that normally only my cat with kidney failure eats. My sweet little piglet had very bag skin allergies. Her rump and tail was covered in scabs and where there were sores he hair would fall out in clumps… the poor girl. On the high fat food, my little muffin’s skin allergies are gone. She might have gained weight from the new food. I’m not sure, but she looks a little bigger. Big whoop. She is so much happier. The bank half of her is growing in new and healthy fur! She’s even felt good enough to start grooming her rump properly. I’ve never seen her so well groomed and healthy looking. I am so happy for my little girl. Of course, her vetrinarian is going to give me a hairy look, because I’ve been such a horrible cat mom in letting my fat girl not only to continue to be fat, but to perhaps even gain weight. Talk about missing the forest for the trees…. are we so obsessed with one small detail that we miss the overall picture of health and happiness??
Off I go to spend some quality time with my x-box and my new books today…
And, thank you to my co-bloggers, readers and friends for their patience in letting me be a hermit for a while with my grief. There is no doubt that the grief isn’t over, but for now I am ready to let life back in a little even if some part of me feels bruised and like it hasn’t stopped crying since I got that call about my step-dad in November.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I finally decided that I don’t care if the vet gives me the stink-eye over my dog’s special kidney diet. I thought that if I were given the choice myself of extending my life by one year but only ever getting to eat bland paste, I’d choose to kick off a year earlier and eat cake. So… the dog gets her special kidney food… but when she gets tired of it and refuses to eat, I let her have the mighty dog… a happy slightly shorter life beats the heck out of a long miserable one, I’d say!
Oh, sweetie, I have been thinking about you and hoping you are okay. The help and support you’ve given your mom, even though she’s toxic, is an enormous generous gift.
Life is so so so so hard sometimes, but then there are peaks that follow the valleys, so hang in there and keep being your mischevious, curious, clever, rebellious beautiful self.
noceleryplease: do whatever it takes to get your doggie to eat, kidney diet or not. My poor sweet Sparky passed away of kidney disease a few years back. It can be so hard to get a dog with kidney disease to eat after a while, because of the symptoms is a metallic taste in the mouth. Nothing tastes good to them. I think its more important that they eat something than sticking only to the kidney diet. After a while, I took to cooking for Sparky and changing out the protein I used. Some days, it was chicken, so days, eggs, etc. It kept him eating.
As for feeding cats food that keeps them healthier, but a little fatter. I feed my current cat a food that uses only organic people grade cuts of real meat and no grains. She’s gotten chubby on it. The vet wants me to switch her to the diet food they sell at the vets office. Never, say I. Do you know what they put into that stuff? I don’t, which is why I won’t feed it to her. When I told the vet what brand of food I was feeding, she acted like I was feeding my cat candy and ice cream or something.
I am so happy to hear from you. It sounds like you are making it. As for Ms 200 calories – people like that treat the world as their sounding board and thinks everyone cares as intensely as they do. I also find that talk vaguely insulting – if she thinks that of herself, what must she think of me at my weight? I seems like the implication is clear if a skinny person is fat, I must be as big as a bus, or at least a minivan.
So glad you are coping with it all. Hermit away all you need.