Well, sure, “IT” can get worse… I just have a hard time imagining that right now. No, this particular post isn’t going to focus on Body Acceptance. It is going to focus on the latest disgusting drama that makes me so tired sometimes that I can’t even sleep. Irony.
Doing the right things just sucks sometimes – it’s the bit about getting backlash from the abusors in one’s life that sucks most of all. It’s my mother and my aunt who are causing the drama and sometimes it all just feels so disgusting to me that I feel like I will never stop throwing up. 😦
Some weeks back, my step-father’s (who is recently deceased) biological children found me on Facebook, due to my last name and hometown. My step-father, as far as I ever knew, had little or nothing to do with his children. My mother claimed that he always warned her that when he died they “would not be kind” to her and might try to take an inheritance my mother would need to survive. That said, I have always known my step-dad and my mother weren’t always the best judges of people… and sometimes they could be complete wackadoodles. So, I decided to give my step-siblings a shot… turns out, they seem like very nice folks who had similar experiences being raised by my step-father as I did. It has been cathartic to talk to people who get it… who understand the fear of a child who has a raging father.
I spoke to my aunt a week or so ago to bounce off her whether or not to tell my mother any of this… cuz, ya know… the whole wackadoodle thing and all. My aunt decided to tell my mother without warning me or having me in on anything. My mother called me up freaking out about what my step-father’s bio-children might “make me think” and her fears that she would “never be able to show her face in town again” because of all the horrible stories me and my step-siblings might spread around town about her husband. You see, it’s all about my mother. Besides, as my husband pointed out – we do, apparently, live in feudal Japanese or Victorian society where saving face is everything. Besides, no one could possibly have anything more important on their minds than gossiping about my mother anyway. She is the center of the universe, of course.
Furthermore, it is very important that she control my access to information, because I may believe things that are untrue or are true, but simply unsavory thus tarnishing my opinion of her and my step-father. Hah. If she had access to this blog, I don’t think she’d worry about that anymore… for those of you new to my story, there is little anyone could do to make my opinion of them worse rather than telling me that they murdered or raped people. While my last few years with my step-dad were mostly good, I never held any illusion that he was anything other than a very sick man who abused me for most of my life and nearly broke me and what little sanity I had left when I escaped that house at 17. My relationship with my mother, however, seems to have done nothing but deteriorate over the years… which brings us to today.
I need to vent… I need to think outloud… and most of all I need to remember that I am a sane and good person doing the best she can with a really crappy situation…
After the last show-down on the telephone with my mother, my husband yet again pointed out that we would all be healthier and happier people if I had nothing to do with the woman. My mother does nothing but prove him right and her sister (my aunt) has now joined in on that project. Which begs the question of myself why would I have anything to do with this woman (my mother… biologically, if in no other sense) after all she has done. In a nutshell – sexual abuse. Why do I even bother? I’m starting to forget why I ever did… Sure, she’s a sick woman with no other family and I have felt obligated, but the more this woman tries to play my emotions and with my mind, the less sympathy I have for her situation and her condition. She’s just dragging me down with her anyway and I don’t need that.
After the last show-down with my mother, I called my aunt, because in the past my aunt has been able to offer some validation to me and support against my mother. Not this time. She spat my mothers words back to me nearly 100% verbatim. My guess is that she sees her sister is upset and she is willing to do anything to make it better – even bully her niece. Or, perhaps, she has realized what a kettle of fish allowing my mother to live with her really is and is hoping to beat me into submission so that I will play the dutiful daughter and take care of my mother so that no one else has to…? Maybe it’s both – or neither. Either way, I have felt the pressure of a mother, an aunt and a cousin that are well versed in the arts of bullying, coersion and manipulation.
I find myself thinking thoughts like, “I cannot believe this is happening.” Well, it’s time to nip that in the bud. This IS happening. Maybe I don’t know all the details or thoughts or feelings behind my aunt’s and cousin’s behavior, but I do feel the pressure and I feel the nausea from their disturbing behavior… and I feel sick that now my mother has allies in trying to lasso me back under her sphere of control.
I have been trying to take space after my mother’s last blow-up and my mother’s reaction has been to call me ten times a day and text me 20 times a day under various pretext…. She’s concerned I have had a “nervous breakdown” because I actually set a boundary with her… She wants to go on a road trip… She “needs” me to clear up some bank business… She needs the phone number of someone whose number is in the PHONE BOOK… etc, etc, etc. My response has been to mostly ignore her. I did give in to sending a terse message about asking my cousin if she wants to drive five hours somewhere.
Now my aunt has taken the coersion to Facebook, explaining that if I won’t call her, she will be happy to post all her thoughts on my wall. LOL. I guess she never heard of the block or delete functions of Facebook. I emailed my aunt back that she will give me space and respect my decisions or I will block her or anyone else who attempts to pressure me in any direction. I am giving her a chance to back off before I do outright block her, but I doubt she will use the opportunity. My mother’s family seems to have bread some very hard-headed women who normally take my clearly outlining my intentions and expectations as mere bait for them to increase the volume of pressure and bullying.
Sadly, I think the ultimate outcome is going to be my cutting ties with these people. Even worse, they know where I live and work, so things may get ugly, but I am ready for that.
I think the most sickening part is the realization that my aunt and cousin (this aunt is my godmother) seem to be telling me that they care of me as long as I do what they want and am helpful to them. They had nothing to do with me for years, unless my aunt was sick and my cousin needed someone to babysit her. Now that my mother is staying with them, they want to pull the family card… and perhaps that is the most disgusting bit of all. How have they been family to me other than showing up at a few holidays when I was a kid? Right now, they seem to show their true colors – supporting and allying themselves with one of my worst abusors and doing all they can to invalidate and silence me to the tune of “cut the crap, AGR” – apparently that is supposed to be a valid rebuttal to rational argument as to why one might want to have contact with step-siblings that so far have been very nice and pretty neat people. Perhaps, my response should’ve been that if she has no better argument than “cut the crap” or “give me a break” … that this person has no valid argument at all.
I think, perhaps, it is time to change my phone number. After the recent increase in bully-volume, I feel the need for even more space than I wanted in the first place that set them off. Maybe I should just block them from Facebook right now and not even wait for a response. I don’t feel like leaving myself vulnerable to people who obviously don’t deserve the honor of being that close to me…
It’s just all so sickening. …
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
AGR – I so feel for you in this situation. Sorta kinda maybe been there done that with my mother, and I had to cut her out of my life, she was just too toxic and threatening to my sanity. Sometimes, it’s the only thing you can do, especially if you know she’s never going to change (my mother hated me right up to the day she died and wouldn’t let anyone in the family call me to let me know she was dying, and she’d been dying for a couple of months).
You have to know that there is nothing wrong with you and you don’t deserve this kind of treatment, there is something lacking in them that they can’t treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. If it takes cutting them out of your life and ignoring them, so be it, and it’s on their heads, not yours.
Take care, and know that I’m rooting for you.
Oh Vesta… as soon as I saw I had a comment from you, I knew that I was going to get some good solid emotional support. Thank you so much… it is always good to hear from you and it does help to know that you’re rooting for me… a sane and lovely woman is rooting for me and validating my thoughts towards cutting off my nutty mother.
Thank you for reminding me that it’s not me and I deserve better. While I can affirm this myself, it is also VERY helpful to hear this from people I trust.
I am sorry for the crap your mother put you through… you also deserved so much better. Isn’t it just like a toxic mother to play out their enmeshed drama right until the end – their death.
Have you seen this site? http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com
They’ve got a forum, too (which you should be able to get to from the first page), and the people there are really wonderful and supportive, and they GET it.
OMG!!!!! I never heard of that site before… and since I looked around that site, I have been pulling up anything I can about people with NPD and Malignant NPD… Holy Crap! This is the first time – EVER – I have read something that explains my mother so completely. Thank you so much for sharing the link with me. Now I’m going to see if there are any books out there about NPD that also might help. Finally understanding WHAT the heck was going on and WHY it seemed to make no sense all the time is a huge relief to me. Thank you so much for that. Do you have any book recommendations on the topic?
AGR, this isn’t specifically about NPD, but a WONDERFUL book I’ve referred so many people to is “When you and Your Mother Can’t be Friends” by Victoria Secunda. It’s terrific in its description of all the screwed up ways that mothers can treat their children, and what those children can choose to do about it, from ending the relationship to setting appropriate limits on interactions.
It seems to me that you’ve dealt with your mother long enough that if she were going to change, if she were going to treat you in a remotely healthy manner, you’d know it by now. Your first love has to be for yourself. If you even have an inkling that removing yourself from the relationship would be what you need to do to protect yourself, then you’re probably right.
Oh I’m so glad I could help! I don’t have any book recommendations myself, but I’ll bet if you poke around that forum a bit, they will. 🙂
My husband went through a similar, though less dramatic/traumatic falling out with his mother. He went years without speaking to her at all and now they just trade emails because that’s pretty much all he’ll allow, for his own sanity.
You have to protect and take care of yourself and family (as in the people you currently live with) first and foremost. Change your numbers, delete her from facebook, whatever it is you need to protect yourself you should do, you really don’t owe her anything.
I struggle with the “you don’t owe her anything” bit. Ironically, I know that if I had a friend in the same situation as I that I would tell them that they didn’t owe their crazy mother anything! So, maybe it’s time to take a look at myself…
That said, my thinking goes something like this… I don’t feel that I owe her. I feel that it’s just my code of values that I owe. That I’m the only child of an insane person who has no life skills and that it is my responsibility to “save” her or something. I am sure one of my awesome commentors will be able to challenge that idea… but it is where I’m stuck at the moment.
Perhaps it is time that I let go and leave the space for someone else to try to help her, cuz obviously I am only being driven crazy by trying. Beyond that, I KNOW that this woman doesn’t want to change and in all likelihood will never change. Perhaps that fact alone is enough to help me let go…?
I feel for you and your husband. What pain he must have endured to make the decision that he could only handle emails. The good bit is that he has a wife who understands and he is willing to take whatever distance he needs.
Now… maybe I can learn from his example, eh?
Where does your obligation end, if she won’t allow you to “save” her?
Off the top of my head, I think it would end right there. If I cannot help her and she makes me miserable… what is the point of even interacting with her since nothing positive comes of it…? Good question, O.C…. if you wanna challenge me further, you are most welcome. I’ve been struggling with the thought of cutting off the toxic mother for a decade now and while I feel pretty clear about things right now, I know from previous experience that I tend to forget my reasons…. it is so amazingly frustrating.
I am so sorry you are going through this but it sounds like it is the culmination of years of abuse. Your mother doesn’t want you to save her, she wants you to enable her. She doesn’t want to take care of herself, she wants to push the hard work onto someone else.
I agree you need to cut contact, at least for now. You don’t need to do anything dramatic or make an announcement, just block her from fb, screen calls etc. Let your husband help you. It must be very hard for him to see you in such pain.
I loved my dad very much and something he said comes to mind. I never thought this would come in handy but I think it might help. When my grandmother was 97 she went in to an assisted living situation. She told my dad her roommate never received visits from her family and wasn’t that a shame. My dad said maybe she was a terrible horrible mother and her family wanted nothing to do with her. At the time it sounded very strange from someone who took care of his elderly mother and visited her several times a week. At that point it was clear he was there because he wanted to be there, not because he felt obligated. They had a relationship that was a two way street with mutual respect.
We do put up with more crap from family than we do from friends because we don’t pick our family and we have a long shared history. This does not require you to put up with toxic abuse from a person you want to help. If you really feel guilty, send her a check once a month.
I also think sexual abuse is like murdering a child’s soul. I hope I am not out of line saying that.
Thalia – thanks so much for the link. I am reading the entire thing. I have a few narcissists in my life and they are like vampires. I will be spending a lot of time there.
JR – first things first… lava cake? Next Monday night? What say?
Good point about the enabling bit. That is just what she wants. Cruising around the DONM forum has taught me a lot about enabling and how pointless it is for me to even try and save her. Like a commentor on the forum said…. my mother has enough people worshipping at her shrine. She doesn’t need me and she has resources if she is willing to use them. She isn’t helpless and she certainly doesn’t need me… and lord knows I don’t need her. What I need is LESS of her… maybe none of her… prolly none of her.
I think my husband is very frustrated cuz I haven’t let him help me all that much when it comes to my mother… hmm… as usual, JR, you make me think. 😉
Sadly, I must leave for work now, but perhaps the quiet moments in my shift will allow me to further digest all this new information about NPD.
In closing…. lava cake? Monday? 😀
You are not out of line – you’re right.
My mother tries to get us to do everything for her, then if anything goes wrong, of course, it’s because we butted in.
I have a toxic mom. I finally accepted it and just called her a few times a year. Now those few phone calls are a struggle because she brings up hot button issues.
I finally realized she can call me.
Lave cake? How can I resist? I say yes!
First time poster here. As the daughter of two alcoholics and a granddaughter of a narcissist, I can tell you that you can’t “save” someone who firmly believes that zie is right and you are wrong, no matter what the circumstances. My grandfather really messed up his daughter.
As for the phone calls, please call your carrier and report the number(s) that your mother calls from being the source of harassing phone calls and ask for it to be blocked. That way, you won’t have to change your number, but your aunt and mother won’t be able to call 10 times a day. If they start showing up at home or work, send a registered letter asking them to stay away from you (notarized would be good) then call the police every time they show up. If you can establish them as sttalkers, you can get a protective order against them.
I know that it sounds harsh and extreme, but you are trying to protect yourself from your abuser and those who would help her continue that abuse. Remember that what she’s doing is just a different form of the same abuse she subjected you to as a child, including marrying a man with “rage issues.”
It is a parent’s primary job to protect hir children. Most mothers would protect their children from abuse and rage. Your mother not only didn’t protect you, she perpetrated that abuse on you. In so doing, she abrogated her claim to your help, or even your affection. I know that it’s difficult to give up on a parent, even a parent one loves, but since you never had a parent looking out for your wellbeing, you need to do it yourself. Your husband is right, and sounds like he’s the sort of loving support that you will need to get through this.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts. I hope that everything looks up for you soon. Hugs if you want them.
The irony is that my mother, of course, would say my problems with being abused are all my fault because I “shouldn’t” have needed to be protected. I am “too sensitive,” you see.
Man… just typing that just makes me angrier about her behavior. What a crappy mother she has been…
I started Toxic Parents some years ago, but it got into some topics I wasn’t ready for yet… I didn’t realize I had been sexually abused until I read the chapter about sexual abuse in that book, because my mother had been subtle about it… comments, exhibitionism, etc. No raping or molesting.
That said… maybe it is time to try Toxic Parents again… I remember it did have a ton of good information.
The notarized and registered letter bit is awesome. I’ve been stalked before (another family member…) and I never thought of that one! Thank you for that advice.
I also meant to mention, I haven’t read it myself, but several people I know swear by Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward.
AGR, I know I’m late to the ball, but I’m going to add my voice to the chorus of ‘cut her off.’
She sexually abused you as a child, and continues to emotionally abuse you as an adult. She has no guilt or regret for what she has done to you in the past and shows no willingness to change in the future. That’s not ever going to be a healthy relationship.
I know it isn’t easy to cut off family, even when it’s honestly the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone reasonable around you, but there are times when it’s necessary.
Look, I know something about a tiny sliver of this. My brother moved in with us because he’d been out of a job for six months and lost his apartment. Mr. Twistie and I assumed he would be on his way in a few months. He stayed for five and a half years, and spent every single day he was here informing me of what a total screwup I am, how utterly talentless I am, and making sure I generally knew I was the scum of the earth.
By the time he left, I was crying every single night and jumping at every sudden noise. I had virtually no confidence in anything I did, said, or had ever known. THIS WAS NOT OKAY.
I’ve hardly spoken to my brother in about four months, and you know what? I feel great. I regret that I feel that way, because once upon a time my brother and I were close. For now, though, I cannot interact with him and keep my sanity intact.
I don’t know if I can ever have my brother back fully in my life. I’ll be sorry if I can’t, because love doesn’t go away just because the object of affection doesn’t really deserve it. But I also know that until he stops being a toxic influence, he’s not coming in my door again. If I have to choose between feeding his negativity and saving myself, there’s no choice. If it’s that important to him to build himself up at the expense of others, he can damn well find another sucker to treat that way. It won’t be me.
Save yourself.
Twistie,
Your brother doesn’t deserve you. I’m glad you’re noticing how much better you feel without him. You deserve so much better than his abusive crap.
I know what it’s like to be so turned around that… like you said… you jump at everything and hardly now which way is up. You are right – it’s so not okay.
I saw something cute from my childhood on the Daughters of Narcissistic Mother’s website that has been helping me since I read it. Do you remember this lil gem:
“I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off me and STICKS to you.”
I also have a manager that is always saying critical and unhelpful things… so I repeated this lil poem in my head and pictured her words bouncing off me to stick to her (cuz most likely she’s just projecting on me anyway…) and WOW…. I felt so much better.
Ultimately, your brother was prolly talking about himself – whether he knew it or not.
Hi, I realize I’m a total stranger and honestly very new to your story but I agree wholeheartedly with Vesta because I’ve been there too. I cut off my mother and all the family who support and encourage her behaviour and my only reget was not doing it sooner, which might have prevented some of the things she and my father did to my husband and our oldest child. I also support the idea that no big dramatic announcement is necessary: just do what you need to do, whether that’s block people or change numbers or whatever it takes. Best of luck to you in this and thank you for sharing it in the first place.
AGR,
I’m sorry I’ve been so out of it lately and I’m just now seeing this.
I gotta tell ya…I think we must have some of the best readers I know. You have gotten some really great responses!
I know you’ve struggled with this for a long time and I know how hard it must be to decide whether or not to keep open communication with your mother. I also know you’ve put a lot of thought into what you want to do about this. I wonder sometimes how much thought she puts into how she treats you…probably none…it seems that it is second nature for her.
I’ve always been told to try your hardest to keep toxic people out of your life and it seems to me it’s time to let her go. Her behaviors can strain and probably have strained other relationships you have (healthy ones) and it’s just not worth the consequences.
Just remember you’re the important one here. Take care of you.
~sas
What Sassy said!!! We DO have the best commentors ever… thank you so much, friends.
I have been working a lot and physically tired from all the emotional crap… but I have cut out a lot of time do research more about NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Yup… it fits my mom like a glove and the information is arming me in ways I never dreamed of before. I’m seeing through her BS instead of being confused by it… and that is just awesome.
Will I cut off from her 100%? I don’t know. I will try though… I am hesitant to promise something that I have failed to accomplish so many times before. But, those other times, I didn’t know what I know now about her (the NPD bit) and I couldn’t see through the her insanity like I am learning to do now from NPD websites and a new book on Narcissism that I bought. 😀
+++seem to be telling me that they care of me as long as I do what they want and am helpful to them. +++
Oh, did that one resonate. I think you should go all out; make a nice little ritual of it. Get some really ugly ribbon and a pair of big and splashy looking sheers to “CUT” the ties with entirely! I had a toxic mother. It took having a loving stepmother to let me know HOW toxic.
I was nothing but a family asset to be used and abused to my birth mother. Real families are often the ones we create for ourselves!