There has been so much going on with me and I’ve just been so emotionally “touchy” lately. It’s as if I’m wearing all my emotions on the outside of my body and I feel so vulnerable.
One of the things that has been going on with me lately has been that I caught part of public television special with Wayne Dyer and it really hit a nerve with me. The show was actually to sell his new book, “Excuses Be Gone” and I only caught the last few minutes of it. It was enough to make an impact on me. I finished watching the show and promptly ordered that particular book and read it as soon as I got it in the mail.
Now, I’ve got to backtrack and tell you some about my upbringing so you’ll understand how monumental just ordering that book was for me. You see, I was raised very strictly by two very “Christian” parents who thought Buddhism, self-awareness, ANYTHING they didn’t understand was BAD and was not to be read, believed and especially not lived! Those who know me know that I’ve struggled for YEARS, literally DECADES with my religious upbringing. I have lived every minute for God, but then I have rebelled against God and I have doubted his existence. All of this is total sacrilege to my family. Anything that has YOU, in general, as the center, is selfish and un-Godly in their eyes. This was how I was raised. My mother-in-law even told me one time that she believed chanting and meditation were evil because you were supposed to “empty your mind” and if you do that, you’re just inviting the devil to come in.
So….ordering a book by Wayne Dyer who speaks of Buddhist teachings and different teachers he’s had along the way, but who also references God a lot, was a huge step for me.
I devoured that book!!! Now I have to admit that some of the references to Buddhism and Tao and stuff like that went over my head but I’m willing to learn and research. I’m not willing to just discard that particular theory because I don’t know about it.
So that’s one of the things that’s been going on with me. I feel somewhat enlightened for having purchased the book at all and then to read it without prejudging it. It felt good to go into it with an open mind.
Another thing that’s been going on with me has been as a result of one of the chapters in that book. I can’t quote it word for word because I don’t have it with me but the chapter is regarding living in the present and letting go of the past. I don’t know why this resonated so much for me when he spoke about it but it did. I’ve tried for so long to let go of the past and I just have held on to it forever. I refused to let go of the memories of abuse, abandonment and neglect that I suffered as a child. I relived those memories daily just to validate my feelings of unworthiness and to keep me from moving forward.
I now TRY wake up every morning and feel grateful that I have another day to live and I tell myself I only have NOW. I can’t change the past and I can’t worry about tomorrow – or even an hour from now. I can’t take away the harsh words spoken, the locking in the bathroom, the neglect or hurts from the past but I can move on. I don’t have to dwell on the past any longer.
The other thing that has been weighing very heavy on my mind and emotions lately will seem like a contradiction to the above paragraphs.
My husband’s aunt has suffered a stroke and a heart attack in three weeks time. She is in the hospital now and they are doing a heart cath today. If they find blockage, which I’m sure they will, they will immediately implant a stint to help with blood flow. My mother died 6 years ago yesterday. I saw “Aunt I” on Saturday and she looked frail and pitiful like my mother did in her last days. She kept saying, “I’m tired. I’m ready to go.”
Memories of my mother dying have flooded back into my memory. I barely slept at all last night just remembering all the pain and suffering my mom endured. I want to move past this but nothing will ever help me move past watching my mother struggle to breathe and then to gasp her last breath in front of me. Nothing will ever take away the feeling I had at the time of wishing I could trade places with her…that I could die for her. I feel great sadness right now.
The last thing I’ll touch on is the fact that this is my husband’s mom’s sister that is in the hospital an hour away from us. They have come two different times for her to see her sister and have stayed 4 – 5 days both times. I know this is not the time to be bitter about them staying with us but it’s how I feel. I know this is temporary (or I think it is anyway) but there are so many dynamics associated with them staying with us. It’s just not been a pleasant time…but I guess when a family member is sick, it’s not a pleasant time is it?
I’m sorry I’ve rambled but it felt good to get it all out there. Don’t be shocked to see more posting from me in the coming days. They may not be all positive, smiley, happy posts but I’m not really all that positive, smiley or happy right now. That’s life.
Thanks for listening/reading.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
You’ve got a lot going on, for sure. Just try to remember to be gentle with yourself while you’re going through all of this.
It’s funny to me what you said about your mother-in-law saying that emptying your mind through meditation just gives room for the devil to come in. I see it as the opposite – it gives room for God to come in!! It’s all in how you look at it, I guess.
I firmly believe that there are many different paths that lead us to God…and that we each have to find our own. It would seem to me that you’re doing that. You’re asking questions and seeking answers. It takes a lot of courage to do that.
*hugs*
mommasunshine (love the name, and I’m thinking very appropriate),
Thanks for the reminder to be gentle with myself. Sometimes I forget about that. Also thank you for saying it takes courage to ask questions and seek the answers. When I thought about that I thought, hmmm, I’m not being courageous but then I thought it is a bit scary to try and seek change…any change.
Thanks!
Would you like a hug? Or a daffodil? Virtual ones are yours for the asking.
May you survive with all the possible grace and balance.
The cyber hug and daffodil are graciously accepted and much appreciated. Thank you so much.
Just got in touch with your blog last week via More of me to love and I understand how you are feeling.
I’ve lost my father when I was 17 years old and the impact of his loss was far greater that i supposed it was. That and a very poor self image and depression have been defining my young adult years most of the time (although I’m happier now, but it has been a lot of hard work, I mean, a lot!).
I’m 34 now and only now I’m feeling more confident about life and that I’m able to deal with its ups and downs without feeling helpless.
I miss my father a lot because he gave me a sense of security and lots of experiences in my life reminds me of his loss. I’ts normal and sometimes I feel all those feelings over and over again. But with time it gets easier.
We cannot be always positive and shinny happy people, so take your time and embrace your sadness or whatever comes your way because it’s a way to accept and love yourself too.
Best wishes for you and your family,
Patricia
Embracing sadness? Scary! You’re right of course. I guess it’s just another one of life’s processes that must be lived through to reach the other side – meaning fulfillment, contentment and acceptance.
Thank you for your warm wishes and your words that validate how I feel.
Hey, Sass — It’s great to read an update from you. No smiley, happy posts needed.
You are amazing, you know that?
I too try to focus on the present moment as much as I can.
Dogs and kids help with that.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are recalling — it’s probably a necessary sort of process, I often think of how as we heal, our emotional “nerve endings” also heal and sometimes it hurts more, not less, but it’s a sign of healing more than illness itself.
The negative feelings are just part of life — whether about in-laws or our past or some present annoyance.
Glad we’re both around here a bit more at the moment!
The healing process. Isn’t it funny how sometimes you have to truly experience pain to get the full affect of healing?