I put so much undue pressure on myself. Pressure to be good. Pressure to be right. Pressure to be in control. Pressure to do and say all the right things. PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!
Sometimes I put myself under so much pressure I think I’m going to explode like a can of soda that’s been shaken. Once that soda can reaches it’s pressure point, it spews all kinds of crap everywhere and is uncontrollable.
I say all that to tell you that is how I have felt about posting here.
I have put myself under pressure to post just the right words to inspire and cause deep thought. I have purposefully avoided blogging because I don’t want to do anything “wrong”. I want to say the right thing. I want to be uplifting and a shining example for all. (Again with that damn religious upbringing to be perfect or be condemned to hell!)
When I thought I might blog about this, I came to the realization that that is not why AGR and I started this blog. We, in fact, started this blog to help journal our recovery processes with the hopes of helping or validating others along our path. If I only post about my successes and happy times, it seems to me I will appear “unreal”, “above everyone else” or maybe even “recovered”. I learned a lot by reading of other people’s journeys, about the mountains and valleys they encountered along the way…about the “realness” of their recovery journey, so it is my plan to now be real with you about my recovery journey into self-awareness and self-acceptance.
The healing process consists of the good and the bad. I have to remind myself that I cannot always be that shining example of emotional, physical or spiritual health but that I am a work in progress…and that’s ok. It’s more than OK! It’s phenomenal! I’d rather be a work in progress than one who believes she has no issues to talk about and is stagnant. I don’t have all the answers and that’s ok too.
I’m just letting you know before hand that my blogging may take a turn toward the more issue oriented, not so perfect world that is my life. I don’t want to appear to be something I’m not – a well adjusted person with all the answers. I’m just going to be me, warts and all.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
And that’s going to make what you say more important and better. Seriously. Sometimes the posts that give the most are the ones that ask the hard questions and don’t have pat answers sitting there.
It’s not easy to let everyone see your raw wounds, but that’s the kind of courage that leads to healing.
Thank you Twistie! Your comment made me feel more sure of what I’m doing. No, it won’t be easy to reveal the raw wounds but if that’s what it takes to heal my broken soul, then so be it.
Absolutely all the best in your current whirlwind, and you are absolutely right that post of all parts of the struggle are valuable. There are so many things we can’t change or can’t change right now, and knowing others feel the same way is the best thing to hear.
That sounded kinda off, when I reread it — sort of a “misery loves company” thing, but what I really meant is that it helps to know that people who you admire and who have great ideas are not something different from yourself — that everybody has setbacks and confusion and self-doubt, and that mutual support works better than just pulling at your own bootstraps.
Trabb’s Boy, so sweet of you to come back and try to explain but I never would’ve taken it the way you said. I do see what you’re saying and just knowing that everyone struggles (in whatever they’re trying to do) sometimes does help to see that nobody gets it right all the time. That’s just too much “undue pressure” and I need to realize I’m normal in that I don’t have it all together all the time.
Thank you for the comments!
Hi,
I can relate when you say that you want to blog about positive things to help yourself and people that are your readers to ovecome their emotional problems and feeling a pressure coming from within to say the “right” things.
I pressure myself a lot with everything in my life and the blog is no exception and I’m learning to deal with it, one step at a time.
I have a dark side and a cheerful one, and I’m learning that there is room for both.
Yesterday I was feeling good, like a powerful person, today not so much because I’m dealing with concrete problems, but I’m starting to learn that this is ok two.
As people, as bloggers, as professionals, as wives and daughters, mothers and in every role we have in life things aren’t always great.
And that’s ok. Accepting that seems to relieve the pressure that I feel inside.
And the less I pressure mysel to feel or do something I’m not up to in a particular moment (or day, or week) the less time I spend having internal discussions or feeling bad for not feeling good.
We don’t have to be always joyful and when we write about that not so joyful moments it also helps people (and ourselves too!)
I as talking to someone about my blog today and I was saying the same thing. I want my blog to be a chronicle of my Fat Acceptance journey, warts and all. I also wanted to talk about this stuff from a male perspective which is the minority on the sphere. I sometimes do not blog, because I am feeling ashamed, or stuck, or whatever other thing I am feeling seems to me will be a downer, or whiney.
Thank you for reminding me of why I started blogging.
Cheers,
Ivan