AARRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
Yes, I’m going the wrong way and at times it seems the speed at which I’m going can only lead to me crashing and burning. I think I’m dangerously close to that happening so I’m here bearing my soul once again. (And just as a sidenote, thank you so much to my co-blogger AGR who keeps me on track!)
I’m going to put out there a list of the feelings I’m dealing with right now…and I’ll be honest…I’m not dealing with them well.
self-contempt, self-loathing, uncertain, doubting, sad, hurt, controlled, disappointed, tired, lonely, alone, distrustful
Those are just to name a few.
I sometimes have days where I feel I’ve made great strides in my recovery and in my own self-acceptance but those days are becoming fewer and farther between nowadays. It seems that the headway I’ve made is slipping away a little at a time.
The headway I speak of is the fact that I had gotten to where I was trying very hard to live intuitively and to listen to my body and love it. Along with that came the self-acceptance and self-appreciation that comes with a healthy recovery. I didn’t do the IE thing all the time every day but it was getting to be easier and easier as time went on.
If you’ve read us for very long then you know I’ve been having a struggle with my husband the last few months with “sharing” food. It all came to a head yesterday and I’m still actually quite mad about it.
A little background is that my husband has an addictive personality and when he began treatment for one addiction, his new obsession became exercise and weight…not only his weight but MINE. He has gotten to where he seeks out exercise magazines or online, he has set up his shed to be a home gym and he watches everything he eats. Now that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Where it turned toxic for me was when he started trying to control my recovery.
For the past few months he would ask me to share meals with him and he would tell me it was helping HIM watch HIS weight. He made it seem like I was doing him a favor and he would make me feel guilty if I didn’t do it. I’ve confronted him about it before and told him that sometimes I’m just hugry and he needs to let me order what I want, him order what he wants and he can take the leftovers home. He told me that if he orders it and it’s in front of him he will eat it (see the guilt?).
Saturday night he asked me if I would take him out to breakfast the next morning and I knew he meant McDonalds so I said “sure”. We got up Sunday morning and got dressed and we went to our local McDs. We headed up to the counter to order and I asked him what he wanted. He said, “well will you split a big breakfast with me?” I said, “no, I’m really hungry today.” He got furious with me. I took my happy ass up to the counter and ordered my own big breakfast with pancakes. He ordered an egg mcmuffin. At that point I don’t know if I was really hungry or if I did it just to prove a point…I ate the whole thing!
When we got our food I looked him square in the eye and told him I refused to feel guilty because he didn’t order what he truly wanted and because I wanted to get my own meal.
There have been days where we have split every meal and I would sometimes only have 800 to 1000 calories a day. Sometimes I went to bed hungry. Most times it made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own body to tell me what or how much to eat. Other times it only reiterated to me that my husband didn’t accept me the way I am so why should I? My recovery has suffered because of these actions.
The conversation which resulted from his behavior at McDs did have him finally saying he was trying to control my recovery and he realized it. I don’t trust that he really sees his controlling of me. He agreed to stay out of my recovery but my thought is that I have to “prove” to him that I can make the “right decisions” for myself before he stops trying to control them for me. I have an uphill battle ahead of me.
To say what I expect others to want to hear is that I’m going to stand my ground, work my recovery and take care of myself but what I’m going to say instead is the truth…I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this battle with myself and now I’m fighting the battle with my own husband. My mind is no longer clear. I’m struggling and it sucks.
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Dude, that sucks big time. Can you sit down with him and tell him that he needs to be responsible for his body and his addictions/recoveries and you need to be responsible for yours? That he can’t do it for you, just like you can’t do it for him? It’s not that you can’t be supportive of each other, but neither of you can do the work that needs to be done for each other, recovery is just too personal and individual for that. That you need to know if he’s going to be able to accept you for the person you are, no matter what you end up being/looking like/whatever, just like he will need to know that you can accept him the same way.
Not that I know if this would work, it’s just an idea………but open and honest communication can’t hurt and might help.
It is NOT cool what your husband is doing to you. He is trying to stop you from eating when you are hungry. He has no right to do that.
I don’t really have any advice, just wanted to say that I empathize. Stay strong. (hugs)
It sounds like you’re putting his controlling behavior down to his “addictive personality,” but when men control their wives’ eating, that’s one form of domestic abuse–and it’s not at all uncommon.
Controlling, abusive men often begin with keeping the women in their lives from eating enough food to survive, or from getting enough sleep. The point is to make you tired–to make you that much easier to control. Disempowering you makes them feel more secure, and it’s abuse, even if he hasn’t hit you–and even if he never hits you.
What he’s doing is selfish, it’s hurtful, and even if you weren’t in recovery yourself, I’d suggest that his behavior was grounds for you seeking outside help from someone who can listen (a counselor or a close friend who can offer you any kind of shelter you need).
The website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is here: http://www.ndvh.org/
and their phone number is:
1−800−799−SAFE (7233)
They can help.
Please take care of yourself, and know that your tiredness is in no way a reflection of your courage or strength. You are not alone.
“Controlling, abusive men often begin with keeping the women in their lives from eating enough food to survive, or from getting enough sleep. The point is to make you tired–to make you that much easier to control. Disempowering you makes them feel more secure, and it’s abuse, even if he hasn’t hit you–and even if he never hits you.”
Yes, a thousand times yes. This is where my abusive relationship started. And he was an alcoholic at the time.
that is how my horribly abusive relationship started its downward spiral. At first it was “well eat what i eat and you wont gain weight”….when i did that he got so mad at me…..”its pure physics erin…calorie in = calorie out….you have to be hiding stuff from me” (he was a physics major).
that blew into me losing my freedom and soul (and nearly my life) in a four year black and blue process. It went from “let me watch what you are eating” to him barricading me in his apartment and starving me….i distinctly remember him chasing me and pushing me down 4 flights of stairs…with my laptop holding my 50 page dissertation cradled protectively in my crumpling body (it survived thank god). All because i was going out to eat with a group of students to review our papers……but because it was at a coffeeshop i couldnt go.
Maybe you should show him these replies and he can start to think about what being a controlling ass does to you.
It indeed sucks a lot.
He has no right to act like this to you, and if he really loves you he has to give up on controlling you.
Be strong, and if he still does it dump him. You deserve more than that. You deserve being free and happy.
Sassy… I had no idea. What is going on with your husband is hugely abusive and it is so amazingly NOT OKAY. The only words that keep running through my head are ‘WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS CLOWN THINK HE’S DOING??????’
Sassy, you don’t deserve this crap. Is there someone else you can stay with? You really need a safe place where you can take care of your needs, my friend… and home doesn’t sound like that place right now
You know, Sassy, there’s a reason you feel like you’re failing in your FA journey ATM: your husband is starving you, physically and emotionally.
Seriously. He’s trying to control the amount you eat and the content of your every plate. He’s trying to control when and where you eat. He is showing zero respect for you as a human being, let alone as an adult helpmeet.
As several others have pointed out, this is abuse. What he is doing is WRONG.
You’re feeling self-doubt and self-loathing because when you try to assert your agency as a human being, he tells you that you’re harming him. You’re depressed and tired because you’re hungry. You’re hurt and feeling controlled because your husband is harming you by controlling you. You are feeling abandoned because this is being done to you by the person you most trust to be your strongest support.
Please, take AGR up on her offer of assistance, and call the hotline Miriam Heddy shared.
Your husband needs to own his problems and not blame them on you. He needs to learn to confront his own demons without demonizing you. He needs to learn to respect you separate from himself. If he cannot do these things, then you need to save yourself from this situation.
You’re worth it Sassy.
Yuck. And 800 to 1000 calories a day is terribly low, setting yourself up for starvation the next day. I am working on intuitive eating for myself, dealing with food allergies atop it. My only rule? THIRTY grams of fiber a day. That alone keeps my eating at a better level.
Tell him food is very individual; he needs to do his work and you need to do your own. Perhaps one “share” day a week, maximum.
Oh. My. Gosh…
Your responses have been incredible. I want to respond but they have given me a lot to think about. Lots going around in my brain. I’ll try to respond properly soon.
Thank you so much for helping me feel HEARD!
I wanted to say again how much I appreciate ALL of the responses I got. Instead of replying to each one individually, I’m going to address them all in this one comment.
I’m going to be brainstorming as I go so if I blather just try to stick with me.
First of all, I know that when I share some of my information, the first thing a lot of you are going to want to say is to leave my husband. I’m really hoping that maybe instead of that being the only alternative I hear that you guys help me with options and ways I can try to work this out with him. I love getting responses on how to deal with the situation other than to just leave him. I do know, however, that that may very well be the ending to this story.
When I first read Miriam Heddy’s response and the others about abuse, I said, “no, that’s not the case with me.” Then I knew in my heart (and that AGR would call me out on it because she’s known me long enough) that yes, I do believe I suffer emotional abuse from my husband. Denial would do me no good at this point.
I came from a family where this was the norm. The woman was “kept in her place” by the man. I don’t know how many times in my life my mom would look at me and say, “you know, when you hear that you’re crazy for years you start to believe it.” My father had my mother convinced that she was crazy, stupid, unlovable, incapable of love, incapable of making decisions, etc…
When I read these responses it really hit home that I’m living through the same thing. Whether my husband realizes it or not (and that really isn’t the point, is it?), he makes me feel unlovable, unattractive, stupid, wrong and even crazy sometimes.
The other thing that really hit me was the fact that I AM INDEED PINNING ALL HIS BEHAVIOR ON HIS ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR when in fact that isn’t necessarily the case. Something else that hit me is that I’m quick to come to his defense when I read these responses. His mother was and still is a very controlling force in his life and manipulates people. He gets it honestly. It really doesn’t matter where he gets it from does it?
I’m following the example that was given to me – a mother who was totally subservient and submissive- and he’s following the example that was given to him – a mother who was controlling and manipulative.
I’ve thought about our relationship over the past few years and it’s been such a complicated mess. The end result for us is that both of us are very controlling – for different reasons.
Whenever we go shopping and he sees something he wants and I know we have the money, I don’t say a word. He can buy just about anything he wants. I can’t buy anything without getting his approval. Most women can buy stuff and decorate their house the way they want. Not me. Paintings, furniture, rugs, curtains, knick knacks, etc…have to be ok’d by hubby.
One of the things I enjoy the most in the spring and summer is planting flowers and watching them grow. Every time I puchase a flower he has something to say about it.
I love to work in the yard and we have a gas edger and weedeater. I would love to help when he mows by edging and doing the little stuff but I don’t know how to start them. I’ve watched him try to start the weedeater and it’s old and is hard to start so he would have to start it for me to use it. He won’t show me how because he says, “you would hurt yourself.” To me, it’s just another way to control what I can and cannot do…especially if I’ve shown an interest in doing it.
The most interesting point to me was when Miriam Heddy spoke about abusive husbands wanting to make their wives tired so it was easier to control them. Yes, I believe the lack of nutrients does make me tired. But a lightbulb went off in my head when she said that.
And here’s why: I haven’t slept overnight in bed with my husband in almost two years. His excuse is that I snore too much. Now when his parents come to visit they sleep in my bed so I have to sleep with him in the master bedroom. When I did sleep with him prior to him telling me I snored too much (which is probably partly the truth), he would turn the TV on and he wouldn’t turn it off. I’ve been in bed trying to sleep or really sick and asking him to turn off the TV and he wouldn’t. I have awakened with the TV on and he is sleeping soundly and snoring himself. He refuses to turn the TV off even if I ask him sweetly and sincerely. Is he pushing me out of the bed or is he trying to wear me out?
The reason this really hit home was because his parents were here just a couple of weeks ago and I was having to sleep in the “big” bed with my husband. At 2:00 a.m. he still wouldn’t turn the TV off after me asking him to so I got up and slept the rest of the night on the couch. I was so mad!
I’m stopping for now and opening this up for comments but please realize I’m feeling extremely vulnerable right now. Please be considerate and compassionate as you have been up to now. Thank you…
Sassy – lots of hugs and vibes. How is you marriage otherwise? Are there lots of good and positive things to look back on? If you have an otherwise good marriage, it can’t last if he continues to control your food. Hungry people get snippy. At least I know I do. I
t is kind of like a double head game, he wants you to help him control his food and control yours at the same time. Really – as a grown man he should be responsible for what he eats and allow you to do the same.
I don’t like the people I love to be angry with me and guilt sometimes works but I am getting away from that. Last week I realized my husband was in a bad mood and I didn’t care. I didn’t want him to be sad but it had no impact on my mood. I don’t mean to hijack your post by talking about myself , I just wanted to share a small victory.
JR~
Glad you asked. Yes, we do have some lovely, happy, romantic, sensitive, fun and wonderfully memorable times in our marriage. That’s why I don’t want everyone to jump to the “leave him” answer.
And kudos to you for not letting his bad mood impact yours! Way to go girlfriend!
One thing to remember that abusors are not abusive 100% of the time. They can be charming… they can be loving… they can be fun. The point is that there is abuse going on… and it is clear that is what is going on here with your husband’s control of your food. Food is a very basic human necessity which is why his behavior is so horribly stunning.
Whether you choose to leave him or not.. it is prolly to early to even consider that bit… but gettig away FOR NOW may be necessary for your psychological safety, Sassy.
I think it’s interesting that you are being abused but your main concern seems to be protecting your husband. You are the injured party here. Not him.
I only hope very much that you are (or can become) willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you are happy, healthy and well takent care of – whatever that means.
I’m not usually a commenter on blogs, but felt like i need to say something. It sounds like both you and your husband may be struggling with issues of codependency. Controlling behaviour (both being controlling and allowing oneself to be controlled) is a key part of this problem.
Many people who suffer from addictions and eating disorders also have problems with codependency. I used to work in an addictions counselling environment, and I never met anyone who had only one addiction. It was very commonplace for people to give up a “classic” addiction like drugs or alcohol and replace it with another kind of obsessive or destructive behaviour.
http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php
Help is available. Maybe you and your husband would benefit from seeing a therapist together? Perhaps even one who specialises in recovery from addiction and eating disorders.