After a good while of feeling immune to the bad body thought (BBT) struggle, I have been struggling lately. I didn’t even realize I was struggling until hubby brought up some of the manifestations of my struggle within that he has noticed lately…
What is interesting to me is the causes of this flare-up. As I have posted recently, I have been feeling good – very good. My automatic thinking about feeling healthy and strong was that I felt “thinner” than I ever have before – even than when I really was thin. At first, this thinking didn’t shake me. Then, all of a sudden, I would look in the mirror and be disappointed to see the obese me that I am in reality however “thin” I feel.
Perhaps, even this was just a symptom though. I have a history of eating disorders and BBT’s, for me, are often a signal that there are things going on in my life that are shaking me, maybe making me feel insecure. It didn’t take me very long to compile a whole list of those. It’s been a tough year in terms of emotions. My step-dad died. I realized my mother has many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder which inspired a complete reframing of her behavior, my reactions, my childhood, etc. I have had some realizations regarding my own happiness and ways to achieve it. Thanks to my depression/PTSD/ADHD/and whatever else I have being well medicated, I am feeling more functional than I knew was even possible. I seem to be making breakthroughs into healthier behavior in terms of self-care and patience with myself and life every day… it’s just astounding. But, all these growth-spurts come with growing pains. I have been having nightmares every night for weeks now. It is exhausting. Most of my dreams are so disturbing that no matter how tired I am when I wake up from them and no matter how early in the morning it is, I have no problem running from the bed just to escape more nightmares. Last night, my nightmare was so bad that my dream-self became suicidal and it took me a few hours of being awake this morning to shake those feelings off. How do I know these are growing pains? I’ve been here before. I cannot remember a time when major breakthroughs in my waking life did not cause weeks or even months on end of really disturbing nightmares. It’s strange how I can be so much happier (most of the time) in the waking world, only to have the worst dreams of my life every freakin’ night. I can’t wait for this bit to end… Bleh!
So, yes, my stress is high and is probably not helping my body image at the moment.
At least, I’m feeling better today. After a talk with hubby on Saturday, I have been challenging myself. At this point, what is helping in a strong stance in it being none of my business what my body looks like in terms of fatness or thinness. If I cannot handle this information without abusing myself with it, it’s none of my darn business. Second, it’s none of my business how my husband sees me. The last few weeks, I’ve been worried a lot about how he sees me… if he sees me as feminine enough or pretty enough or cute enough or whatever. I tried to see myself through his eyes when I looked in the mirror and what I saw was never good enough. But, it’s none of my darn business. The fact of the matter is, he is attracted to me – however horrible I think I look. It is not my job to read his mind. It’s my job to be myself and take good care of myself and share what a lovely person I am with him… not to worry about my image to the point that I make us both miserable with my self-loathing.
Hmmm… interesting that I’ve been stressing myself out over mind-reading… I’ve been processing a lot of abuse stuff from my family of origin and I have been remembering a lot about feeling so pressured to be a mind-reader for my parents. They were constantly changing the rules, so that I would lose (I was their scapegoat) and yet they demanded that I should know what they wanted, what they were thinking and all that. I wonder if I have been re-enacting some of that lately. It is possible… I’ve noticed that sometimes processing old wounds can lead to small re-enactments in the hear and now, because sometimes I get lost in that old mind-set… that old way of living that I ran away from just as soon as I was 17.
On top of all that, I had a good cry over the loss of my step-dad Saturday night. It’s Monday now and my eyes still feel tired from the tears. Since getting to know my step-siblings (that he abandoned), I have been feeling mostly angry at him for all he did to them. I have been feeling sad for all they went through… and sad for all I went through that they were able to validate for me by confirming similar experiences. The sadness at his passing was on the , but it’s back now. I’m still angry at him and sad for his biological children, but there’s now room in me again to also be sad that he’s gone. I think of his face when he laughed his mischievous laugh and it hurts deeply that I’ll never see that face again. My poor dad… I wish I could’ve made him life forever… Here come the tears yet again…
Today, I’m feeling better about my body after a weekend of challenging the unhelpful thoughts I’ve been stewing in for too long. Given all the change this year, I predict this may well be an emotionally tumultuous year and a year I also struggle with old thoughts that don’t help anyone – least of all me.
Ironically enough, I’ve been happy this weekend for my struggle in one respect – it has given me something to post about. 🙂 I spend an awful lot of time wracking my brain for post topics, coming up with nothing and then feeling sad for this poor blog that I don’t post on as much as I’d like.
Right now, in this moment, I want to celebrate the good things that I’m grateful for:
– my lovely, mischievous kitties
– my ability to take the car to the mechanic today for some maintenance without having a panic attack over a) leaving the house, b) being fat while leaving the house and c) having a change in the routine
– my education and intellect
– all the beautiful greenery outside
– the daughter of narcissistic mothers website… it has changed my life
– the fatosphere 😀
– my friends and commentors
– and last but so not least, my hot, sweet husband who lets me cry and ramble and process away without taking anything I say too literally and just lets me be me
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
(Hugs you close)
That’s a lot to process. I feel tired just reading about it. I can only try to imagine how exhausting it’s been to be in the midst of it all.
Yay! for kitties and intellect and greenery and all the good things in life, including thoughtful, helpful life partners. They do, indeed, make life better.
Oh, I hate nightmares; if you feel they don’t help you, that they are not intrinsic to your growth process, there is medication for nightmares due to PTSD. I forget what it’s called right now, I think it begins with a P. You could ask your doctor about it.
My own other helper for times like these are cheerful books like Wodehouse or the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency books. Something light and happy with a positive view of humanity. Cheerful music helps me too.
AGR – you have gone through so much this past year and I think you are handling it very well. I am glad you hubby understands too. It sounds like these are the growing pains of making forward strives.
BBTs stink, that’s for sure but the very idea that you can label them as such is awesome. You know they aren’t true and the only help they give is to point out something larger is going on.
Loss and grief are hard and they seem to come in waves. Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death. I feel a little sad but not too much. I have no idea what the evening holds. It is OK to grieve for someone for whom you have such mixed emotions.
Have you talked to your T about the nightmares? Actually they sound like night terrors to me. I am thinking about you and wishing you the best.