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Archive for June, 2010

Gunshot.jpg Gunshot image by GoldMageAce

I experienced tragedy in the middle of May.  My life will never be the same again. 

A couple of my friends were murdered in a senseless and horrible way.  I was in shock for a couple of weeks and I still keep thinking I’ll see one of the two friends at any minute…like they are not gone.  My heart aches and will for a very long time.

I’ve coped as I always have…I’ve eaten.  I’ve been trying very hard to make sure I’m really hungry before I eat but I’ve also been keenly aware of when I’m eating to cope.  It really doesn’t matter at this point.

About a week prior to the murders, I finally found a therapist in my very long search for one.  My appointment is scheduled for tomorrow and it couldn’t have come at a better time.  On top of the stress from the tragedy, my workload has doubled and I’m not coping with that very well.  I had a meltdown at work yesterday and voiced my very harsh opinions to a supervisor – of course as always, nothing helps.

I took off work today because I felt like I needed a me day.  I slept until 2:30 this afternoon and I sat out on my back patio.  I did nothing and it really didn’t help because it just left me time to think about all that’s going on.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose it at the therapists office tomorrow and she’ll think I’m totally crazy.  I’m not crazy but I know I’m feeling helpless, hopeless and exhausted.  I’m also feeling desperate – desperate to be heard, desperate for a new job or help with my current one, desperate for one night’s sleep that’s uninterrupted with horrible thoughts of the tragedy or funny memories from when they were alive.

I could type forever but I’m going to close for now.  Think about me tomorrow as I go for my first therapy session.  If she doesn’t admit me to the nearest psych ward, maybe I’ll be able to give you an update tomorrow night.

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