I experienced tragedy in the middle of May. My life will never be the same again.
A couple of my friends were murdered in a senseless and horrible way. I was in shock for a couple of weeks and I still keep thinking I’ll see one of the two friends at any minute…like they are not gone. My heart aches and will for a very long time.
I’ve coped as I always have…I’ve eaten. I’ve been trying very hard to make sure I’m really hungry before I eat but I’ve also been keenly aware of when I’m eating to cope. It really doesn’t matter at this point.
About a week prior to the murders, I finally found a therapist in my very long search for one. My appointment is scheduled for tomorrow and it couldn’t have come at a better time. On top of the stress from the tragedy, my workload has doubled and I’m not coping with that very well. I had a meltdown at work yesterday and voiced my very harsh opinions to a supervisor – of course as always, nothing helps.
I took off work today because I felt like I needed a me day. I slept until 2:30 this afternoon and I sat out on my back patio. I did nothing and it really didn’t help because it just left me time to think about all that’s going on.
I’m afraid I’m going to lose it at the therapists office tomorrow and she’ll think I’m totally crazy. I’m not crazy but I know I’m feeling helpless, hopeless and exhausted. I’m also feeling desperate – desperate to be heard, desperate for a new job or help with my current one, desperate for one night’s sleep that’s uninterrupted with horrible thoughts of the tragedy or funny memories from when they were alive.
I could type forever but I’m going to close for now. Think about me tomorrow as I go for my first therapy session. If she doesn’t admit me to the nearest psych ward, maybe I’ll be able to give you an update tomorrow night.
Angry Gray Rainbows 
(((((hugs))))) if you want them. I’m so sorry this has happened. It’s difficult when you lose friends for any reason, but it seems to be worse when it’s a senseless, horrible murder. I hope your visit with your therapist helps.
My sweet Vesta, of course I want your hugs. Thank you for the condolences.
If she is a good therapist she won’t think you are crazy. And even if she does, we all have a bit of the crazy at one time or another. And considering all that has happened to you, I think you are more than entitled to be as crazy as you like at this point in time, and for some time to come!
Let us know how you go with it
*hugs*
I will try to bring an update later tonight. I have actually heard some pretty good things about this therapist. It’s an hour away and I’m going to have my hubby drive as I don’t really feel up to it.
My very deepest sympathies, Sassyblonde. Just remember that your new therapist will recognize the early stages of grief combined with ALL the other stuff on your plate that made you seek help in the first place. If your therapist doesn’t get how stressful losing someone (let alone two someones!) you care about in such a horrible, senseless way is, then that therapist is not worth even a dash of salt.
As for comfort eating, you know what? Sometimes we need to do what we need to do to get through the pain. Try not to worry about it too very much. You’re dealing with a sudden loss, huge stress at work, stress in your home life, lack of sleep… in the grand scheme of things a bit of comfort eating isn’t horrible. In fact, sometimes it might be the thing keeping you from completely losing every marble you’ve got. Looked at from that perspective, there are worse coping mechanisms out there.
I’ll be sending strong, comforting thoughts your way tomorrow and in the days to come.
Twistie, any strong comforting thoughts will be accepted completely!
Thank you for reminding me not too worry so much about my coping behavior. I need to realize that I’ve been in survival mode for a couple of weeks and I’ve been so near the edge.
Hang in there.
When my mother died, I didn’t eat more. I drank more. I was careful with it, mostly drinking with friends, making sure I didn’t drink enough to be sick, and so on. But I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism, and that both scared me and made it easier at first.
I also had more sex, because it was the best way to feel something other than upset. I don’t mean I was picking up strangers — I’m married — but if the man of the house had been uncomfortable having sex at that time it would’ve been difficult.
I guess my point is that coping mechanisms don’t have to be bad, as long as you are aware of what’s going on. I suppose going on a spa binge could be as bad as anything else — or at least could cause bankruptcy if it was out-of-control. 🙂
400, right after the deaths, I went to the local bar and had six crown and cokes and seven shots of crown on top of that. The pain was still there. I haven’t had anything since but maybe one glass of wine. My coping mechanism is definitely food.
A spa binge…ahhhhh…what a wonderful thought!
I am thinking about you, offering my thoughts for you into the ether if it helps. I’m sorry about your friends. That’s truly awful. As for the other stresses, sometimes our lives seem like one big pile-on and we just need to give ourselves a break trying to handle it all. It’s ok to fall apart. Blessings to you today.
mystery, “it’s ok to fall apart.” Well that’s a good thing because I completely fell apart Monday. It wasn’t pretty. I tried to take it easy yesterday at home but when I got up this morning from another sleepless night, I started getting mad all over again about my work situation. Right after the tragedy, I called my doc to see if he would prescribe me some “relaxers” to help me through it and I had a lot of them left. I took one this morning before I came to work and it has actually helped to take the edge off a bit. I may have a talk with my therapist and doc and see if a change in meds is in order (I’m already on a an AD but maybe I need another kind).
Thank you for any blessings you can send my way.
About the eating: Cut yourself some slack. Finding differnt coping mechanisms in addition to eating is of course a good idea and I hope your therapist will help you with that. But looking at what goes on in your life I think it is already an achievement that you cope at all.
Also, concerning this:
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose it at the therapists office tomorrow and she’ll think I’m totally crazy. I’m not crazy but I know I’m feeling helpless, hopeless and exhausted. I’m also feeling desperate – desperate to be heard, desperate for a new job or help with my current one, desperate for one night’s sleep that’s uninterrupted with horrible thoughts of the tragedy or funny memories from when they were alive.”
I would love to say that your fears are totally unfounded and that a therapist will always understand the incredible stress and strain you are dealing with. Unfortunately, that is not always the case – as in every profession there are good and bad therapists out there. But if this particular therapist judges you as completely crazy than remember that this is not about you, but about her – it would be a warning sign that she might not be the right therapist for you. A good therapist will know that the way you behave in therapy is not necessarily representative of the way you behave in other environments, and a good therapist will also understand that you have to feel safe enough to “lose it” from time to time in therapy in order for therapy to be helpful.
I wish I could say something more helpful or somehow comforting. As it stands all I can say is: Well done for hanging in there.
sannanina, thanks for your candor about therapy. I’ve had so many therapists over the years that I know I’m going to have to take this slow and see if she is the right “fit” for me.
There are a couple of things I will insist upon when I go today and one will be that the focus NOT be on weight loss and how much happier I will be when I’m not fat. The other thing is that if she forces religion and prayer on me I will not tolerate it. I was told by one therapist constantly to “pray about it” and I thought I was going to pull my hair out! I believe in prayer but I also believe in practicality and DOING things.
Many thanks for your response.
aww /hugs chin up. i hope things get better soon, and you can continue to keep you head abouve water…as far as work goes…do the best you can. work DOES end at the end of the day.
Thank you erylin!!!! Positive thinking does help some.
I’m really sorry about that tragedy, and that work has gone insane on top of that. I don’t know your work situation, but if they knew what you were coping with, would they cut you some slack?
I am so, so sorry about your loss!!
Of course you are upset – that’s to be expected. And speaking as a therapist, let me say that any experienced therapist would expect that someone presenting in their office having lost two friends to murder recently would be feeling all those feelings you talked about – not to mention being in shock. Therapy is supposed to be a safe place to let your guard down and ‘let it all out’ and a competent therapist will be able to handle that.
I also know that “comfort” eating is a perfectly normal and appropriate response to this kind of stress. It’s one of the ways that humans soothe themselves when deeply upset and grieving. Sometime we (ED recovered or recovering people) pathologize stuff we do that’s really actually normal and helpful – so just wanted to throw that out there to you.
I will be thinking of you and hope you let us know how your first session went.
Kelly, unfortunately the two were co-workers and everyone here has been devastated by the loss. The loss of the two has made everyone on edge and very tense. We’re all coping as well as we can but it seems that I’m getting the brunt of the “workload” whereas they’re dealing more with the loss. I mean, I’m dealing with the loss too but their loss has actually been what has increased my workload. (this adds on the guilt factor that I’m blaming them for making me work harder…I’m really not! Truly I’m not! If I could just get some help I would be better.)
It’s hard to explain without giving all the details and I’m not at liberty to do that at this time because of the ongoing investigation.
What’s crazy is the belief that grief should require no comfort.
In safe places…
Cry as much as you need to. Yell. Punch soft stuff. Eat whatever you want. Sleep. Make love. Keep breathing. Miss them and curse the world. Find shoulders to lean on. For however long it takes, feel the pain and free yourself.
♥4girlmum
This is fantastic advice.
Sassyblonde: I hope your therapy session goes/went well and that you’re able to open up and dispel these negative feelings. My deepest sympathies for your loss, my biggest ((hugs)) if you need them, my kindest thoughts for your journey.
Cate, I agree that you gave some great advice! I gotta tell you, I’ve done a really good job of missing them and cursing the world so I must be on track, huh?
Thank you!
What a hard time. Follow your intuition in making a good therapeutic match. In addition to helping with personal grief, which must be incredibly intense given what’s happened, a good therapist should help you (maybe not in the first session, but after a bit) strategize constructive ways to ask for and get what you need at work. I firmly believe that our sense of well-being isn’t just “how you react” to circumstances … it’s also feeling that sense of agency to request and receive fair treatment by those around us.
I was in therapy a few years ago — I’d never been before, and didn’t really know what to expect. I feel like I really lucked into a good one, because recently I tried to go again in a new city and was extremely unimpressed by the first couple therapists I met, it was kind of obvious cognitive stuff that was, in fact, so anodyne I even felt a tiny bit insulted. In retrospect, I’m so grateful that my first therapist helped me think through some practical problems, in addition to her excellent insights into emotions, coping, personality, etc. Solving practical concerns — being disrespected at work due to not being assertive enough, not having good tools for my life like a cell phone plan, good computer, etc. — were a necessary complement to the more intangible analysis and introspection.
So … that’s all by way of saying, this is a huge event. You deserve a smart, thoughtful therapeutic partner to help see you through.
Julie, thank you so much for the kind words and the insight. I really liked hearing of your experience in finding someone that heard you. Also, thank you for reminding me that I do deserve a good therapist that can help me through this.
UPDATE:
I drove an hour to my first therapy session. I left work early and had a great talk with my husband in the car on the way. He validated a lot of my feelings I’ve been having regarding my work situation.
Since I’ve been to many therapists in my 46 years, I did some pre-session paperwork so I wouldn’t have to waste a lot of time with filling out papers when I got there. Another thing I did pre-session was type up a family history so she would be able to look at it later and see what’s been going on with me for my lifetime.
We found the therapist’s office fairly easily since we had lived in that town going to college. She’s located in a historic home in the downtown area and I love that kind of office. It was very cozy and laid back.
I looked up this therapist’s synopsis online before I even made an appointment with her and found out that she treats eating disorders and that struck a chord with me right away. She is actually my first female therapist. She is probably my age or a little older and she was so easy to talk to. She’s very personable and smiles and laughs a lot. She seems to be serious when she needs to be but picks up on my need for her to be lighthearted too.
We discussed a lot of things in our short session. I discussed work, the tragedy, my upbringing and I made sure to bring up the two things that I wanted her to know up front. I’ve learned that being up front with your therapist is just as important as them being forthright with you.
I told her that my two needs from a counselor are that she work with me on body/self acceptance and that she not make religion a focus in my therapy. This is not a Christian counseling center but I live in the Bible belt and it’s not unusual for everyone around you to tout God and prayer at every turn. She whole heartedly agreed to both conditions.
Here was the kicker for me: she said, “well, have you read anything by Geneen Roth? I really like her view on intuitive eating and that’s what I talk to my ED’d patients about.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I LOVE GENEEN ROTH! I LOVE INTUITIVE EATING! Someone I can talk to in real time about intuitive eating??? OMG! I am so excited about that!
She also talked to me about the possibility of EMDR and “brain stopping”. She said she has had some real success with some abuse and trauma patients who have done EMDR with her. I told her I was willing to try anything that might help me move past the traumas of my life.
When I left my session tonight, I felt a bit of hope. I laughed with her, I cried with her, I gave it my all. I have already scheduled several appointments with her because late day appointments are so hard to get. The receptionist asked me if it was going to be a problem with my work to have appointments that have me leaving work early and I told her it really didn’t matter because I had sick time to take and it’s time to start taking care of me.
Hope. At this point, it’s what I need the most. Ironically, my new therapist’s name is HOPE.
(is delighted for you)
Great news! I would write more, but I’m doing this with my cat on my shoulder and one-handed typing gets tricky.
I’m really sorry to hear about your friends. Grief can hit really hard and completely fuck with everything else that is currently going on in your life. I hope you have the support you need and I’m glad you found a counselor that feels like a good fit.
I am so glad that it looks like you have found a competent T who is suited to your needs. I am proud that you stood up for yourself and made it clear it wasn’t about weight loss but about accepting yourself and that you wanted therapy, not prayers or some kind of guilt trip about faith. I suspect you will be able to work with her on your history of faith and your family when the time comes.
It does sound like a time commitment but I am sure it will be well worth it.
I know it seems impossible but the pain of grief does subside and you will feel better some day. It has been my experience that healing from grief is messy and takes a long time.