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Archive for November, 2010



I’m one of only a few who showed up to work today.  I’m sitting at my desk listening to Christmas music and just tying up some odds and ends that are hard to tend to when there are people are coming in and out all the time.

I read through some other blogs a few minutes ago and many of them are concentrating on the positives and the things to be thankful for this time of the year so I thought I would follow suit.

It seems we all experience some sort of stress during this time and I’ve had my share of it this week!  After a sad and hurtful exchange with my hubby, it’s been decided that I will stay home with the dog while he drives 7 hours to our yearly family reunion.  Don’t get me wrong, staying home does not sadden me in the least but the conversation we had about it is what was so hurtful.

So I’m turning this around and finding the positives.

  • Staying home with the dog will allow me to decorate the house at my own pace and the way I want
  • I’m thankful for my house and the space I have to decorate
  • I love my dog and at this point, I’d rather spend time with my dog than my husband…tee hee
  • I’m thankful for my husband (most days)
  • I’m very thankful for my rescued yellow labrador retriever who doesn’t know how to be stressed
  • I’ll be able to make some changes around the house I’ve been wanting to do without hubby’s supervision (like changing out some mini-blinds)
  • I’m thankful for my savings account that will allow me to get the money needed to buy the mini-blinds
  • I can watch my chick flick Christmas movies or listen to Christmas music whenever I want
  • I can eat where, when and what I want
  • I can Christmas shop by myself for as long as I want (again, I’m thankful for that savings account)
  • I can sleep in
  • I’m thankful for the most comfortable bed I know of
  • I’m planning on taking a hot jacuzzi bath
  • I can lounge all day and read if that’s what I want to do
  • I’ll fix a fire in my outdoor fireplace, get a glass of wine and sit on the back patio reading my book or listening to some nice calm music
  • I’ll enjoy a STRESS FREE holiday!!!!

How’s that for positives and thankfulness?!?  Woo hoo, bring it on Thanksgiving!

~sas

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A few words come to my mind when you start talking about the holidays.

stress, loneliness, dysfunction, depression, travel, anxiety, hustle and bustle

The holidays for me are hard because I no longer have either parent around to celebrate with.  Both have died and been gone quite a while but it still hurts.  I have a sister but she doesn’t try to even meet me to celebrate the holidays.  I’ve asked her and her husband to come to our house for Christmas or Thanksgiving and she always has other plans.  I offered to meet her halfway on a different day just to get together and enjoy each other and she just can’t find time for me.

We always spend the holidays with my hubby’s parents.  He’s an only child and his parents are getting up in years.  I love them but there is a whole heap of dysfunction in that little family.  We’ll spend the whole time on eggshells trying not to upset his mother who is very opinionated and we’ll be yelling at his father all the time because he refuses to get a hearing aid.

On the other hand, there are some other words that come to mind when I think of the “holidays”:

holiday movies, holiday music, beautiful decorations, gifts, great food, great drink, friends, parties, party clothes, laughter, shopping, time off work, snow (sometimes), cold weather, tree lightings, festivities all around town, hubby loves the holidays, holiday plays and shows

Hmmmm….maybe it is worth it.

~sas

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Well, it’s a slow Friday so I thought I’d open up the blog to an open thread. 

Discuss what you wish but be mindful of our rules and blogging etiquette.

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These things are very triggering for me and it’s happening today. 

I’m so thankful this actually takes place in another building and far away from me.  The flyers have been posted all over our building for this “wellness program” for a couple of weeks.  They boast of helping you with fitness and weight loss. 

The ones I’ve been to in the past do not really care about fitness or overall health but of losing weight.  When I walk in, I feel like (and I know this isn’t always true) they see a fat person walking toward them who is desperate to lose weight because then all her problems will be solved.  It’s almost like a personal goal for some of them to lasso me to their table so they can “save” me.

Our HR person called me earlier this morning and said, “where is everyone?  You need to encourage them to come over here to the wellness program.”  I said, “I can’t make them go if they don’t want to.  I’ve had the flyers posted and they’re aware of it.”  This didn’t satisfy her so she went to my boss and told him the same thing to which he replied the same as I did.  “You can’t force someone to come over there and participate if they don’t want to.

The flyers are coming down this afternoon and this is one more wellness program I’m avoiding.  Skipping this event is how I choose to take care of myself and love myself today!

~sas

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Has anyone participated in this type of therapy?  My therapist is wanting to start it with me tonight in my session.  I’m a bit anxious but also a little excited.  I’m hoping it will help with some of the issues I had as a child (and still deal with).  Then again, learning and doing something new is always a little scary to me.

Anyone with any experience with this that would like to share?

~sas

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We’ve been gone for so long that I thought I would give some background on what we’re about.  In a word….ACCEPTANCE.  Self-acceptance in every way.  Acceptance of your own looks, your body, your thought processes…just everything. 

We, especially as women, have been taught not to accept ourselves.  We’re too fat.  We’re too ugly.  Our ears aren’t just right.  We eat the wrong things.  We weigh too much.  We are too vocal, we’re not vocal enough.  We’re not tall enough or short enough.  Our feet are too big or too small.  We don’t clean house well enough.  We don’t make good enough grades.  IT’S NEVER FREAKIN’ ENOUGH!!!!

Now hear me out.  I said acceptance, not settling.  If you wish something about you was different, then by all means, change it.  But before you do any changing, accept yourself for who you are at that moment. 

One of my favorite illustrations is in the book Overcoming Overeating by Hirschmann and Munter.  I’m paraphrasing but it asks you to imagine you live on a planet where your weight would never change no matter what you did.  One day something happens and whatever weight you are when this happens, you stay that weight forever.  No changing it no matter what you try.   It asks that you think about what you might consider doing that you haven’t done before because of your weight…what are some risks you would take?  I’ve thought about this many times and there are a few things I would do (and some I’ve actually done, with reluctance).  I would wear shorts in public.  I would dance more.  I would be the social butterfly that my inner self really is.  Lastly, I would eat GREAT FOOD and drink GREAT DRINKS!

If you do this little exercise, I would love to see what you come up with.

Going back to my previous statement about accepting and not settling…I have accepted myself today, at this moment.  If I could never change I’d be ok with it.    A change I’ve been affecting for, let me see, this is my second week of doing it, is Intuitive Eating/Demand Feeding.  For about 5 years I have told everyone that this is the way to live and I’ve touted it’s benefits without really living it for myself.  I knew in my heart and mind that this is what my body wanted but my ED got in the way of the thought processes and actually doing it.

The basic premise of IE is to eat when you’re hungry, eat what you want and stop when you’re full.  There are different authors who go into other principles such as eating undistracted or carrying a food bag but I would say the main gist of it is to eat when hungry, eat what you want and stop when full.

Last week, my therapist suggested I start working a food plan.  I got with my EDA sponsor who is also a nutritionist and asked her if she would be able to help me with this.  Within two days of first talking about a food plan, I was in panic attack mode.  I was desperately searching for someone to hear me! (thank you AGR!)  Simply the words food plan sent me soaring into space!  I had no idea how badly it would affect me.  All I could think about was the old days when I had to keep a food journal, eat so many of each food group and get in certain amounts of foods.  I was panicking!!!  (even my husband who is ED’d saw my frustration and was worried about me)

I got a hold of my therapist and told her I needed a session right away and she saw within a couple of days (she’s always booked solid).  We talked and she understood where I was coming from and apologized for suggesting it.  She knows about my wanting to use the IE method and is very supportive of it.    After I spoke to her, I spoke to my sponsor and she agreed that she would not discuss food issues with me anymore – only the issues underlying what causes me to turn to food.  Whew!  What a relief.

The thing I’ve noticed in actually living IE is that the first thing you need to do to be able to initiate the process is to accept yourself.  You need to accept you for who you really are.  You need to accept that you, no one else, no weight loss group, no diet guru, no pill, knows you better than you do.  You need to trust and accept that your body knows when you’re hungry and when you’re full and, on top of that, it knows what it wants to eat.

Scary huh?  We’ve depended on other people to decide our worth, our way of dressing, our way of acting, our way of being AND OUR WAY OF EATING.  We’ve let other dictate who we are and have lost our own individuality!

So to end this post, I would say that we need to tell ourselves at least once a day that WE ARE ENOUGH.  We were always enough.  We’ll always be enough.  Changes may be made and that’s ok too – if it’s what WE want.  We don’t have to have validation from anyone else.

~sas

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Wow!  I didn’t know it had been so long since we had been here.  I hope everyone is doing well and that you’re treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

I’ve had my ups and downs but I would say I’m gaining on life a little more every day.

Where am I now?  Well, I’m deep in my recovery from an eating disorder called compulsive overeating/binge eating.  I’m also in recovery from another disorder called self-hate/self-loathing.  The eating disorder and the self-hate disorder are so closely entwined that it’s impossible to differentiate between the two.

What am I doing to jump start my recovery?  Well, there are several things. 

Since my last posting I’ve started with a new therapist who has been lovely to work with.  It’s well worth the two hour round trip I make to see her. 

I’ve joined an EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) 12 step group that meets once a week.  It’s been a nice experience but it’s not one of those things that I would miss if something happened to disband it (which will probably happen soon because there’s currently not enough attending the meetings).

I am keeping a personal blog as a journal and that is going great.

I went on a shopping trip and bought a few more comfortable fitting items.  I refuse to wear ill fitting clothing any more.

I use daily affirmations.

I’m getting stronger and using my boundaries in a healthy way.

I’m practicing the guidelines of intuitive eating/demand feeding.  My therapist has actually met Geneen Roth and has been to one of her seminars.  We both have a huge admiration for Ms. Roth.  I think this is probably the biggest baby step I’ve taken thus far.   For so long (years) I talked the talk of IE but never really practiced it but now I’m walking the walk too!  I’ve had some eye opening experiences with it….like, I’m not hungry the minute my foot hits the floor to get out of bed first thing in the morning.  Who knew?

My hope is that I’ll be here more often.  Six months is quite a while to be gone.  Take care everyone and love yourself!

~sas

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