I wish I could say I had a happy and fun Thanksgiving but that just would not be the truth. (Twistie, I should’ve taken you up on your offer!)
The Thanksgiving holiday always involves a family reunion on my husband’s side of the family. For us, depending on who is hosting the reunion, it involves a lengthy drive of either 3, 7 or 8 hours (this year it was 7 hours). Hubby and I got into an argument just prior to the trip and it was determined that I would stay home with the dog and he would go to the reunion alone (this was not necessarily a mutal decision between us).
I’ll be honest, this reunion is one of the most stressful times of the year for me. If my husband were honest, he would agree. We end up staying with his parents wherever they choose. I love my in-laws dearly and I totally realize how lucky I am to have the in-laws I do, BUT, this once a year reunion is the most stress inducing, horrible weekend of the year!
The night before hubby was supposed to leave, my husband asked me to please go with him. He said that the trailer we usually stay in would be available and we would be able to take the dog (our only child) with us. I reluctantly agreed, knowing full well I would miserable the whole time. This may seriously be the last year I subject myself to that.
My Thanksgiving was miserable and I’m the one responsible. I should’ve stuck to my guns and stayed home as was decided earlier.
Because the in-laws live halfway between us and the destination family for this year, we left around noon on Thursday to spend some time with hubby’s parents on Thanksgiving and then we all left together on Friday morning. I told my hubby I would like to stop at a restaurant somewhere along the way and eat a decent Thanksgiving lunch. He told me that his parents were going to someone’s house for lunch and they would get us a couple of plates and bring them home. We had to wait until we got to his parents to eat. It was awful! It was the one real meal I got to eat all day and it was disgusting. I would’ve been better off going to McD’s and getting a quarter pounder with cheese.
The visit with family we only see once a year was tolerable, not enjoyable, just tolerable. The biggest issue I have is the attitude my mother-in-law comes away with. She talks about everyone! No one is immune! She’s a know it all and looks down on everyone.
Along with that, this year my father-in-law is having health issues (he’s 76 years old and the only med he takes is one aspirin a day) and the m-i-l is making it worse by being mean and nasty to him. She’s just hateful and cruel. She’s bitter and I do understand some of it but instead of talking about the real issue and working through it, she would rather be angry and manipulative and down right mean. There were a couple of times I just wanted to run and hide and not come out for the rest of the trip.
I guess my question I’d love to have some input on is where do you draw the line? Do you (people in general) do things like this reunion out of obligation, knowing that the in-laws won’t be around much longer, and be miserable to make them happy. OR, do you do what’s best for you and stay home and away from all the drama? The easy answer is to stay home away from the drama but “family” issues are always so guilt ridden for me.
I’d love discussion about this. Share experiences you’ve had and what you’ve done. You have the floor…….
~sas
(hugs you tight)
Sweetie, I know this is advice far, far easier to give than to take, but I honestly recommend you don’t put yourself through this next year. The whole thing stresses you out and you find yourself accepting unacceptable behavior. Seriously, how controlling are these people that you’re not allowed to eat until they finish eating and then you may only eat the leftovers from the house they ate at?
Think about it. They have decided the behavior of you, your husband, and their own friends. None of you are allowed to make an adult decision for yourselves. This is not okay. This is not reasonable. This isn’t even a quirk. This is a serious control issue.
And then you’re forced to sit through your MIL trashing everyone’s character and choices. You are included in her trash session.
Basically, what we have here is a deeply toxic situation, and you have the right to refuse to participate in it.
You deserve to have a Thanksgiving that doesn’t leave you stressed out, guilty, and depressed. Your in laws are old enough to learn that everything can’t go their way just because they say so. Your husband needs to start taking care of you on your terms, not his.
Find another way to spend Thanksgiving next year. Visit an old friend, or see your family, or just spend the time alone with the dog. You need to take care of you.
And if you need some hand holding or spine stiffening in this endeavor, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m here for you.
I don’t have in-laws as hubby’s parents are deceased and were before I married him. But, my mother was one of the most toxic people I’ve ever known, and I cut her out of my life 17 years ago (long before I met and married DH). When I cut her out of my life, I ended up losing the rest of my family as well (no great loss, they didn’t really care about me anyway).
When my mother passed away last summer, DH and I went to her memorial service, not for her, but for my dad. I was welcomed back into the family by my sister-in-law and her daughter, until I blogged about the fact that I wasn’t sad that my mother died, but would be sad if anything happened to my dad. Now I’m cut off from those family members again.
Since they’re all 10 hours away and none of them ever made any attempts to visit me and didn’t write or call me, other than to tell me my mother had died, I don’t see it as a great loss (again…lol).
The way I look at it is this – you don’t have any control over the family you’re born into, but you do have control over how you let them treat you. I decided that I don’t have put up with being bullied/abused by people just because they’re related to me. Luckily, DH supports me in this, and said that my family can eat shit and bark at the moon if they want to be abusive toward me (I do love him so). I’ll go to visit my dad, but as far as the rest of the family is concerned, if I never see any of them ever again, it won’t break my heart. People may think I’m a cold, cruel, callous bitch for being that way, but there’s only so much abuse I’m willing to take, and frankly, I’ve had enough of it from all of them.
I’m not saying this works for everyone, but it works for me.
What’s sad is that I got the responses I knew I would get and I appreciate them more than you know.
My issue is that this is exactly what I would tell someone having the same trouble…so why can’t I do it for myself? Why can’t I care for myself enough to take myself out of these toxic situations?
I’d like to know why your *husband* doesn’t care about you enough to take you out of these toxic situations. After all, you said that you wanted to stop somewhere for a real lunch and *he* was the one who insisted on waiting until you made it to his parents’ place.
Sounds to me like you need to look at that relationship and get him on your side first. Now that you know what to plan for next year, start working on him now!
A trip to the therapist was in order for this one! We didn’t nearly get into all the specifics before my time was up. We’ll have to continue on it later.
The really interesting thing she told me was about a contract she has had couples sign. It is a Family Contact Contract. She didn’t present me with one to sign but she did call hubby back to her office to get a dialogue going with both of us in the office.
Anywho, back to the Family Contact Contract…she said that “normal” contact for married couples to see their parents and extended family is TWICE a YEAR! She said that it is RARE that a couple see their family much more than that…even more importantly, it’s unhealthy to see them as much as we see ours. I was so happy she said that with hubby in the office!!!
Of course, I’m sure it went in one of my hubby’s ears and right out the other but maybe it will be something he will think about.
It was funny because she asked me how many times I would say we see his parents a year and I took into account once every other month and said, “six”. She was surprised at that but then I told her hubby was going down to see his parents this weekend. She said, “so he’s seen them on Thanksgiving, he’s seeing them this weekend and he’ll see them at Christmas?” Yep! She said, “you do realize that’s three times in less than a month?” I get it! I really do! HE DOESN’T. I didn’t see my parents that often and I lived only an hour and a half away from them.
My issue with this whole thing is that I need to dig down DEEP and figure out why I don’t feel like I can have a say in this stuff. Why do I feel controlled? Why don’t I stand my ground? Until I figure out ME, I can’t figure out hubby or me&hubby. The work I need to do now is on ME. But what do I do? How do I go about convincing myself that I’m worthy of my own opinions and deserving of doing things for myself? Has my life of 47 years taken it’s toll to have me thinking I can’t change how I am? Why can’t I change?
Okay, the first thing you need to do is not beat yourself up. If you allow yourself too far down that path, you’re doing the controlling in a negative way yourself.
One thing I keep seeing in your posts is that you are not heard. When you say you don’t want to do something the way your husband or his parents want, you are ignored. Just last summer you wrote about how your husband was controlling how much you ate and when, and how much you slept. This is an exercise designed to break down an individual’s will so that (s)he may be more easily controlled. IOW, you’ve been programmed for years to put yourself and your own needs dead last, if they appear on the radar at all. You know you won’t get your way, so you don’t see any point in struggling futilely. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, right?
In this case, though, something needs to change. As you say, you can’t change them. That means the only option is to change what you do and how you do it. And yes you can. You can do this. It’s not going to be easy, and you’re going to need a lot of support, but it is possible.
Ask your therapist for exercises you can do or books you can read. Call on your friends for support. Practice saying no to others and yes to yourself. You deserve to get your way sometimes. You deserve to have your voice heard. Keep fighting.
You can’t change other people, but you really and honestly can change how you react to them. I believe in you.
Thanks Twistie! I first read your post and thought it said, “the first thing you need to do is beat yourself up.” HUH? hahahaha
You believe in me? That actually means a lot. I need more people around that believe in me, including me.
I kept trying to respond to this but the more I typed, the more upset I got. It’s a bit embarrassing to me that I let my husband control as much as he does. It’s frustrating and very tiring too.
I know that’s frustrating and embarrassing, but you know what? This is why it’s done incrementally. If he gets away with one unacceptable thing, he does another until you get too exhausted to fight and let him get away with that, too, and so on until you’re in hell and he’s in charge of everything.
And you know what? You’re far from alone. Millions of women have found themselves asking ‘how did I let this happen?’ when the real question is ‘what makes him think he has the right to do it?’
He doesn’t have the right and you deserve better.
I know I have told you this before but my take is that you get some benefit from being a “Very Good Girl.” You do what others want because you know that makes you a VGG. It is sort of like the silver lining in the cloud, sure you don’t get what you want and are subjected to a toxic environment where none of your needs are met but at least you are a VGG.
For now, being a VGG is satisfactory enough that it allows you to suffer and ignore your own needs. I suggest you examine what it means to be a VGG and why it is so important to you. If you can let go of being a VGG, you will be able to stand up for yourself and get your needs met.
It is very hard to change, especially holiday traditions, because your behavior has allowed others to have expectations about what is OK.
I hope I haven’t hurt your feelings but it is hard to see you treated like this.
You? Hurt my feelings? Of course not! I always look forward to your honest responses.
Yes, “Very Good Girl”, “Doormat”, “Martyr”, “Victim”…it’s all the same to me. It’s all ME!
I’m going to have to wait and see what happens at Christmastime. I’m kind of looking forward to it because I plan on asserting myself during that time. My m-i-l always cooks the Christmas meal and this time I’m going to do the cooking. It’s my house and I want to prepare the meal! AND I’m not having turkey! I’m sick of turning my whole house over to them and she’s just going to have to get over it this time!
People have told me I should let her cook and not worry about it, less for me to do but I see it differently. It’s almost like she doesn’t think I can cook a meal. I may not cook what she would cook or how she would cook but I can whip up some really good meals. Wish me luck on this endeavor!
Yay for you standing up for your own kitchen! There’s no reason on earth to turn your kitchen over to someone against your will to create a meal you don’t want to eat in your own home.
Your home, your kitchen, your table, your choice. If your MIL doesn’t like it, she can damn well lump it for a change.
I’m rooting for you, Sassy!
Oh, and anyone who says just to let her (MIL) have her own way Just Doesn’t Get It on an epic level.