I’ve already taken my first step to finding myself and that is in realizing and admitting that I lost or am losing my sense of self.
I’m taking a second step today. I’m making a decision, I’m owning why I’m making said decision and I’m going to take full responsibility for it and stand behind it.
A few weeks ago (maybe about 3 months ago), my therapist suggested I attend EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) meetings.
Before I went to the first meeting I went online and did all the research I could on EDA. I was so impressed with the way it sounded because it sounded just like how I’ve been wanting to live. EDA is a 12 step support group and it’s based on intuitive eating. They stress that there be no rigidity around food. They don’t preach food or exercise but instead, feelings and emotions or WHY you do what you do in terms of your eating behaviors.
I went to a meeting on Monday night and as I walked out of the room at the end of the meeting, I made a conscious decision. My decision is that I will not be returning to that EDA meeting. The unfortunate thing is that there is no other meeting anywhere near my area.
Each meeting I’ve attended has left me feeling more unheard about my recovery than when I went in but I promised my therapist and my hubby that I would try it. Monday night I realized I know what I want my recovery to look like and it isn’t what they’re doing. The outline for EDA that is online is what I’m searching for but the group that meets calling themselves an EDA group is, in fact, not (or at least not in my opinion).
A typical meeting would be to go in and have someone read aloud the steps and traditions of EDA and then the leader for that meeting reads from a devotional book. Then the meeting is opened to everyone. There is no discussion…just random bits of information from everyone. Monday night, one woman said she was having problems with planning her meals, the guy said he was having problems with portion control, one woman said she was abstaining from all sweets, sugared or non-sugared, one woman said she needs to exercise more. When I wanted to speak, I talked about my loss of self (as I posted last time). I bore my soul and let it all hang out. No one else talked about emotions, feelings or whatever led them to being eating disordered.
Nope! Not for me! I tried. Now, normally at this point I would considert myself a failure because I’m choosing not to continue going. This time it’s different. It’s my decision..my very own, for my own reasons. When I told my hubby I wasn’t going back he didn’t say anything negative (not that it would’ve mattered if he had). I told him why I felt the way I did and he completely supported me (surprise, right?). He did, however, ask me if I was going to tell my sponsor and my therapist that I wasn’t going to go anymore. I told him I was going to tell them both and it didn’t matter how they responded. I have no reason to back off of my decision and every reason to stick behind it. That meeting was/is toxic to my recovery and I’m not going to continue going.
I gotta tell ya…I’m pretty darn proud of myself at this point. I’ve made a decision. I’ve made a decision for the betterment of ME. I’m taking full responsibility for it’s outcome. How cool is this???? It may be a baby step but to me, it’s one hell of a baby step!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I call this a pretty big step! I hope with a bit of research you can find a meeting more like what you were hoping for. If not, I hope you find another form of support in your ED recovery.
Thanks Twistie!
I’ve been to a lot of OA meetings in my day and I loved some of the groups and honestly couldn’t stand some of the groups. If you don’t think the meetings available to you are helping, then they aren’t for you. Good for you for knowing that.
Thanks Kate!
Those meetings sound a little like a poorly cloaked weight watchers meeting. People stating what they want to change about their eating/what they abstain from/what to plan for meals/wanting to exercise……these are things I heard at the ww meetings I attended years ago.
I’m with you….I want to understand and uncover the emotions/motives/feelings behind my eating. Often those things are physical, like hunger, blood sugar drop, or mental fog. But other times, I eat because….? I don’t exactly know. Boredom, past traumas, needing to stuff, guilt, anger, depression? I suppose it could be all those things, but identifying them in that setting will be nearly impossible if no one is talking about feelings. The success you had in knowing that this meeting wasn’t the right fit for you is amazing and shouldn’t be downplayed.
Regina T,
You got it! I know I overeat. I know what I overeat. I know how to overeat. I want to know WHY I overeat. I want to know why so that I can work on what I can do instead of overeat…which is feel the feelings instead of numb them with food.
Thanks for hearing me and validating me.
Good for you! I’m so happy for you!! And, I relate. I spent years pressured to find a niche in 12 steps for me and I live in a major metro area where there are meetings everywhere. I tried all different kinds of meetings… and frankly none of it was for me. One of the most common problems was the one you mentioned – no one wanted to talk about the emotions or the core issues. Some meetings and 12-step branches were even hostile to that approach and would fling angry mottos at anyone who dared put a toe out of line.
I’m glad that at least it sounds like your experiences were better than mine, but the really great part is that you got away from something that didn’t help you.
Have you ever considered trying to start your own group? It would be some work, but it might be something worth looking into. You could print flyers or post on someplace like “Meet-up” and find locals who also believe in focusing on core-issues and a gentle and loving approach with food.
AGR~
It really wasn’t the “12 step” part of the meetings that was bothering me because those were actually downplayed some. There wasn’t a lot of talk during meetings of the steps.
I’ve thought about starting my own meeting but I don’t think I’m there yet. I know that it wouldn’t be a 12 step meeting but more of an informative and discussion meeting. I’ll have to think more about that.
Thanks for hearing me.
I’m rooting for you! I am so glad that you were able to decide not to go back. Sometimes, you just know. Awesome!
Yep notblueatall!
Sometimes you just know!
thanks!
Just wanted to add another note of support regarding your decision. The only person who can decide whether the group is appropriate for you is you, and good for you for standing your ground! I had a fairly similar experience many years ago with an eating disorders support group a la OA. The discussion was similar to what you described and not especially helpful, and I felt VERY weird and unwelcomed as the only man (which, in retrospect, I totally get, and I certainly don’t mean to lodge a WATM complaint, but at the time I desperately needed help and it sucked). I didn’t go back either, and I certainly didn’t regret it.
I think it’s important to remember that not every type of treatment is going to be appropriate or best for everyone, so don’t feel bad if something doesn’t work for you. My personal $0.02 is that the 12-step model isn’t really appropriate for ED’s because you cannot abstain from eating, but that’s another rant and I certainly recognize that some people do find that model helpful (okay, I’ll stop babbling now…).
Jerome!
Thanks for your comments!
hahahaha, don’t even get me started on the “abstaining” part! That sets me off on a whole new tangent that involves an argument (or many arguments) with my hubby! I do agree with you!
For a brief second I felt a bit of disappointment in myself that I couldn’t make this work since my therapist highly recommended it to me. But then I remembered that I made a deal with her that I would go 6 times and then make my decision. I have gone that many times so I lived up to my end of the bargain. I don’t feel like a disappointment at all. I tried, it didn’t fit, I’m stopping. The end.
Thanks again! I appreciate all the support I can get!
OA actually helped me in the beginning because I didn’t think anyone was as crazy with food as I was. It was helpful but not recovery.
Why not look for people who are just anti-diet and fat-positive? They can be great role-models. It is very hard for me to find like-minded people and I live in a big city. It would be great to be in a group setting with like-minded people but sadly there don’t seem to be enough of us in the same place. Keep looking for help because you deserve it!
OA never helped me when I went to it years ago and I knew that I would never go back to one of those. But this EDA group sounded like just the ticket – and online it IS the perfect meeting but they don’t have their ducks in a row in the actual meeting.
I think if the people in this EDA meeting would practice what EDA teaches, it would be great but they don’t.
I’ll keep looking but I must say the most valuable help I’ve had recently has been my therapist who listens to me better than anyone else ever has.
Thanks JR! Glad to be back and glad to hear from you!