Oh, eating disorder, is there nothing you can’t injure in the long-run? Ah yes, I know the answer to that – No, there isn’t.
At least, I think it’s the eating disorder that did this…
I cannot close my mouth all the way as of today. I can touch my front two bottom and top teeth together, but no other teeth. It hurts to chew and sometimes to swallow. Chewing is mostly impossible at this point anyway. Apparently, this is something called TMJ 0r TMJD. Oh, the memories of stupid crap I did that would cause such a thing. It even hurts to smile. I sneezed a little while ago and I thought I broke my jaw. No joke. Ouch.
I suspect I am having this wonderful experience due to a) packs of gum I would chew a day as an ed’d obsession and b) stress and my tendency to keep my jaw tight. However, I first started noticing these symptoms years ago when I was deep into bulimia (and other things) and the symptoms happened usually when I was using ed behaviors more. I just thought those symptoms were flukes. Had I known it would get this bad…. I prolly would’ve done the same things anyway. Self-care wasn’t high on the priority list.
The number of injuries I have done to myself via ed is striking to me. It is also striking to me that I actually DO CARE about myself now. I am sad for the injuries done to my body. It deserved better… and so did I. So did WE. At least I can love it now – a feat I never thought was possible as long as I continued to lug around these flabby arms.
I’m sorry, arms. I don’t mean to insult you. That is how I used to think about you, before I realized how lovely and strong and unique you are! You allow me to play the piano, to blog, to play with the fur children, to play basketball, to conquer the world on my x-box, to comfort a loved-one when they are sad… You are awesome, arms… and don’t think that I don’t know it! 😉
How did I not see the consequences of the years of self-abuse coming for me back when I was in the thick of the disorder? Ah well, an eating disorder isn’t technically a mental illness for nothing. Obviously my thinking was skewed… to say the least. I forgive myself. At the time, I really didn’t know any better and, for me, the disorder was a way to survive. (Disclaimer: not everyone who gets an ed has been abused/traumatized/etc. In fact, it is arguable that my traumatic past “caused” an eating disorder. Perhaps the environment just allowed the eating disorder switch to flip on…? Who knows.)
How far I have come. Wow.
It’s almost… unbelievable how far I’ve come. But, I’m not going to use that word “unbelievable.” When I start thinking something is unbelievable or unreal or “too crazy to be true”… some part of me takes that literally and feels hugely invalidated even though I didn’t mean to use those words literally. The brain is a funny thing, eh?
Instead, I’m going to say that it is AWESOME how far I have come. It IS believable. It happened. Here I am and there I was. Cheers to the wounds we learn to heal.
In the meantime, I will be “chewing” with my tongue. It’s just about the only thing in my mouth that is working right now.
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Ya know, even though the things we’ve all been through aren’t always good, and we may wish we hadn’t had to go through them, those are the things that made us the people we are today. And the people we are today? Are some pretty damned awesome people. We deserve to be able to love ourselves, just as we are. Even though we may have some physical damage from what we’ve gone through, we’ve still managed to survive, and that is something to celebrate.
As for the TMJ, there is treatment for it. They have dental appliances, surgery, and sometimes medications and muscle relaxing exercises that can help with it. I think an orthodontist would probably be able to help the most, if you can find one.
*hugs* I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this consequence of you ED.
I hope the pain goes away quickly from this flair up.
You are correct about it being awesome on how far you have come! It’s great to see you being able to accept yourself, your body like you do. 🙂
Vesta, you make a lovely point. It’s funny… I tell people that I don’t regret my past all the time cuz it made me the person I am today. I guess I just forgot that. Thank you for reminding me.
Welshwmn3, thanks for the support! And… thanks for the validation about how far I’ve come and all that. At times like this, it is lovely to hear!!!! 🙂