Yes, I’m going the wrong way and at times it seems the speed at which I’m going can only lead to me crashing and burning. I think I’m dangerously close to that happening so I’m here bearing my soul once again. (And just as a sidenote, thank you so much to my co-blogger AGR who keeps me on track!)
I’m going to put out there a list of the feelings I’m dealing with right now…and I’ll be honest…I’m not dealing with them well.
self-contempt, self-loathing, uncertain, doubting, sad, hurt, controlled, disappointed, tired, lonely, alone, distrustful
Those are just to name a few.
I sometimes have days where I feel I’ve made great strides in my recovery and in my own self-acceptance but those days are becoming fewer and farther between nowadays. It seems that the headway I’ve made is slipping away a little at a time.
The headway I speak of is the fact that I had gotten to where I was trying very hard to live intuitively and to listen to my body and love it. Along with that came the self-acceptance and self-appreciation that comes with a healthy recovery. I didn’t do the IE thing all the time every day but it was getting to be easier and easier as time went on.
If you’ve read us for very long then you know I’ve been having a struggle with my husband the last few months with “sharing” food. It all came to a head yesterday and I’m still actually quite mad about it.
A little background is that my husband has an addictive personality and when he began treatment for one addiction, his new obsession became exercise and weight…not only his weight but MINE. He has gotten to where he seeks out exercise magazines or online, he has set up his shed to be a home gym and he watches everything he eats. Now that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Where it turned toxic for me was when he started trying to control my recovery.
For the past few months he would ask me to share meals with him and he would tell me it was helping HIM watch HIS weight. He made it seem like I was doing him a favor and he would make me feel guilty if I didn’t do it. I’ve confronted him about it before and told him that sometimes I’m just hugry and he needs to let me order what I want, him order what he wants and he can take the leftovers home. He told me that if he orders it and it’s in front of him he will eat it (see the guilt?).
Saturday night he asked me if I would take him out to breakfast the next morning and I knew he meant McDonalds so I said “sure”. We got up Sunday morning and got dressed and we went to our local McDs. We headed up to the counter to order and I asked him what he wanted. He said, “well will you split a big breakfast with me?” I said, “no, I’m really hungry today.” He got furious with me. I took my happy ass up to the counter and ordered my own big breakfast with pancakes. He ordered an egg mcmuffin. At that point I don’t know if I was really hungry or if I did it just to prove a point…I ate the whole thing!
When we got our food I looked him square in the eye and told him I refused to feel guilty because he didn’t order what he truly wanted and because I wanted to get my own meal.
There have been days where we have split every meal and I would sometimes only have 800 to 1000 calories a day. Sometimes I went to bed hungry. Most times it made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own body to tell me what or how much to eat. Other times it only reiterated to me that my husband didn’t accept me the way I am so why should I? My recovery has suffered because of these actions.
The conversation which resulted from his behavior at McDs did have him finally saying he was trying to control my recovery and he realized it. I don’t trust that he really sees his controlling of me. He agreed to stay out of my recovery but my thought is that I have to “prove” to him that I can make the “right decisions” for myself before he stops trying to control them for me. I have an uphill battle ahead of me.
To say what I expect others to want to hear is that I’m going to stand my ground, work my recovery and take care of myself but what I’m going to say instead is the truth…I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this battle with myself and now I’m fighting the battle with my own husband. My mind is no longer clear. I’m struggling and it sucks.