Going backward

AARRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Yes, I’m going the wrong way and at times it seems the speed at which I’m going can only lead to me crashing and burning. I think I’m dangerously close to that happening so I’m here bearing my soul once again. (And just as a sidenote, thank you so much to my co-blogger AGR who keeps me on track!)

I’m going to put out there a list of the feelings I’m dealing with right now…and I’ll be honest…I’m not dealing with them well.
self-contempt, self-loathing, uncertain, doubting, sad, hurt, controlled, disappointed, tired, lonely, alone, distrustful
Those are just to name a few.

I sometimes have days where I feel I’ve made great strides in my recovery and in my own self-acceptance but those days are becoming fewer and farther between nowadays. It seems that the headway I’ve made is slipping away a little at a time.

The headway I speak of is the fact that I had gotten to where I was trying very hard to live intuitively and to listen to my body and love it. Along with that came the self-acceptance and self-appreciation that comes with a healthy recovery. I didn’t do the IE thing all the time every day but it was getting to be easier and easier as time went on.

If you’ve read us for very long then you know I’ve been having a struggle with my husband the last few months with “sharing” food. It all came to a head yesterday and I’m still actually quite mad about it.

A little background is that my husband has an addictive personality and when he began treatment for one addiction, his new obsession became exercise and weight…not only his weight but MINE. He has gotten to where he seeks out exercise magazines or online, he has set up his shed to be a home gym and he watches everything he eats. Now that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Where it turned toxic for me was when he started trying to control my recovery.

For the past few months he would ask me to share meals with him and he would tell me it was helping HIM watch HIS weight. He made it seem like I was doing him a favor and he would make me feel guilty if I didn’t do it. I’ve confronted him about it before and told him that sometimes I’m just hugry and he needs to let me order what I want, him order what he wants and he can take the leftovers home. He told me that if he orders it and it’s in front of him he will eat it (see the guilt?).

Saturday night he asked me if I would take him out to breakfast the next morning and I knew he meant McDonalds so I said “sure”. We got up Sunday morning and got dressed and we went to our local McDs. We headed up to the counter to order and I asked him what he wanted. He said, “well will you split a big breakfast with me?” I said, “no, I’m really hungry today.” He got furious with me. I took my happy ass up to the counter and ordered my own big breakfast with pancakes. He ordered an egg mcmuffin. At that point I don’t know if I was really hungry or if I did it just to prove a point…I ate the whole thing!

When we got our food I looked him square in the eye and told him I refused to feel guilty because he didn’t order what he truly wanted and because I wanted to get my own meal.

There have been days where we have split every meal and I would sometimes only have 800 to 1000 calories a day. Sometimes I went to bed hungry. Most times it made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own body to tell me what or how much to eat. Other times it only reiterated to me that my husband didn’t accept me the way I am so why should I? My recovery has suffered because of these actions.

The conversation which resulted from his behavior at McDs did have him finally saying he was trying to control my recovery and he realized it. I don’t trust that he really sees his controlling of me. He agreed to stay out of my recovery but my thought is that I have to “prove” to him that I can make the “right decisions” for myself before he stops trying to control them for me. I have an uphill battle ahead of me.

To say what I expect others to want to hear is that I’m going to stand my ground, work my recovery and take care of myself but what I’m going to say instead is the truth…I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this battle with myself and now I’m fighting the battle with my own husband. My mind is no longer clear. I’m struggling and it sucks.
~sas

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Open Thread

I think it’s time for an open thread here at Angry Gray Rainbows. Let’s go for it!

Remember to just abide by the rules.

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Undue pressure

I put so much undue pressure on myself. Pressure to be good. Pressure to be right. Pressure to be in control. Pressure to do and say all the right things. PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!

Sometimes I put myself under so much pressure I think I’m going to explode like a can of soda that’s been shaken. Once that soda can reaches it’s pressure point, it spews all kinds of crap everywhere and is uncontrollable.

I say all that to tell you that is how I have felt about posting here.

I have put myself under pressure to post just the right words to inspire and cause deep thought. I have purposefully avoided blogging because I don’t want to do anything “wrong”. I want to say the right thing. I want to be uplifting and a shining example for all. (Again with that damn religious upbringing to be perfect or be condemned to hell!)

When I thought I might blog about this, I came to the realization that that is not why AGR and I started this blog. We, in fact, started this blog to help journal our recovery processes with the hopes of helping or validating others along our path. If I only post about my successes and happy times, it seems to me I will appear “unreal”, “above everyone else” or maybe even “recovered”. I learned a lot by reading of other people’s journeys, about the mountains and valleys they encountered along the way…about the “realness” of their recovery journey, so it is my plan to now be real with you about my recovery journey into self-awareness and self-acceptance.

The healing process consists of the good and the bad. I have to remind myself that I cannot always be that shining example of emotional, physical or spiritual health but that I am a work in progress…and that’s ok. It’s more than OK! It’s phenomenal! I’d rather be a work in progress than one who believes she has no issues to talk about and is stagnant. I don’t have all the answers and that’s ok too.

I’m just letting you know before hand that my blogging may take a turn toward the more issue oriented, not so perfect world that is my life. I don’t want to appear to be something I’m not – a well adjusted person with all the answers. I’m just going to be me, warts and all.

~sas

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So much going on that my head spins

There has been so much going on with me and I’ve just been so emotionally “touchy” lately.  It’s as if I’m wearing all my emotions on the outside of my body and I feel so vulnerable. 

One of the things that has been going on with me lately has been that I caught part of public television special with Wayne Dyer and it really hit a nerve with me. The show was actually to sell his new book, “Excuses Be Gone” and I only caught the last few minutes of it. It was enough to make an impact on me. I finished watching the show and promptly ordered that particular book and read it as soon as I got it in the mail.

Now, I’ve got to backtrack and tell you some about my upbringing so you’ll understand how monumental just ordering that book was for me. You see, I was raised very strictly by two very “Christian” parents who thought Buddhism, self-awareness, ANYTHING they didn’t understand was BAD and was not to be read, believed and especially not lived! Those who know me know that I’ve struggled for YEARS, literally DECADES with my religious upbringing. I have lived every minute for God, but then I have rebelled against God and I have doubted his existence. All of this is total sacrilege to my family. Anything that has YOU, in general, as the center, is selfish and un-Godly in their eyes. This was how I was raised. My mother-in-law even told me one time that she believed chanting and meditation were evil because you were supposed to “empty your mind” and if you do that, you’re just inviting the devil to come in.

So….ordering a book by Wayne Dyer who speaks of Buddhist teachings and different teachers he’s had along the way, but who also references God a lot, was a huge step for me.

I devoured that book!!! Now I have to admit that some of the references to Buddhism and Tao and stuff like that went over my head but I’m willing to learn and research. I’m not willing to just discard that particular theory because I don’t know about it.

So that’s one of the things that’s been going on with me. I feel somewhat enlightened for having purchased the book at all and then to read it without prejudging it. It felt good to go into it with an open mind.

Another thing that’s been going on with me has been as a result of one of the chapters in that book. I can’t quote it word for word because I don’t have it with me but the chapter is regarding living in the present and letting go of the past. I don’t know why this resonated so much for me when he spoke about it but it did. I’ve tried for so long to let go of the past and I just have held on to it forever. I refused to let go of the memories of abuse, abandonment and neglect that I suffered as a child. I relived those memories daily just to validate my feelings of unworthiness and to keep me from moving forward.

I now TRY wake up every morning and feel grateful that I have another day to live and I tell myself I only have NOW. I can’t change the past and I can’t worry about tomorrow – or even an hour from now. I can’t take away the harsh words spoken, the locking in the bathroom, the neglect or hurts from the past but I can move on. I don’t have to dwell on the past any longer.

The other thing that has been weighing very heavy on my mind and emotions lately will seem like a contradiction to the above paragraphs.

My husband’s aunt has suffered a stroke and a heart attack in three weeks time. She is in the hospital now and they are doing a heart cath today. If they find blockage, which I’m sure they will, they will immediately implant a stint to help with blood flow. My mother died 6 years ago yesterday. I saw “Aunt I” on Saturday and she looked frail and pitiful like my mother did in her last days. She kept saying, “I’m tired. I’m ready to go.”

Memories of my mother dying have flooded back into my memory. I barely slept at all last night just remembering all the pain and suffering my mom endured. I want to move past this but nothing will ever help me move past watching my mother struggle to breathe and then to gasp her last breath in front of me. Nothing will ever take away the feeling I had at the time of wishing I could trade places with her…that I could die for her. I feel great sadness right now.

The last thing I’ll touch on is the fact that this is my husband’s mom’s sister that is in the hospital an hour away from us. They have come two different times for her to see her sister and have stayed 4 – 5 days both times. I know this is not the time to be bitter about them staying with us but it’s how I feel. I know this is temporary (or I think it is anyway) but there are so many dynamics associated with them staying with us. It’s just not been a pleasant time…but I guess when a family member is sick, it’s not a pleasant time is it?

I’m sorry I’ve rambled but it felt good to get it all out there. Don’t be shocked to see more posting from me in the coming days. They may not be all positive, smiley, happy posts but I’m not really all that positive, smiley or happy right now. That’s life.

Thanks for listening/reading.

~sas

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Coming out as me

Hi angrygrayrainboians.

Long time no blog, I know. I don’t write, I don’t call. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel guilty, though.

I was having a hard time writing for a while there because I found myself feeling envious of other bloggers whose writing was attached to their name. And I felt like I was starting to outgrow the username “WellRoundedType2” — I didn’t feel like I needed the diabetes to be part of my name.*

So, after thinking and getting a bit of advice, I decided to start a new blog, with a new username, AcceptanceWoman. I’m nervous about this public pronouncement, as I’ve been very very open in my writing, but if I want to be a “real” writer someday, I need to be brave. So, here I come, as me, no longer hiding behind an identity tied primarily to diabetes or fatness.

If my co-bloggers don’t hate me for my long absence, I would like to still post here from time to time, but I’m finding I need my own space, of sorts. I’ve applied to have my new blog be part of the Fatosphere or Fat Chat Feeds but it might not meet the criteria. It’s all still me.

* How’s THAT for integration?!?

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Dear G*d, Does It Get Any Worse? Agh…

Well, sure, “IT” can get worse… I just have a hard time imagining that right now.  No, this particular post isn’t going to focus on Body Acceptance.  It is going to focus on the latest disgusting drama that makes me so tired sometimes that I can’t even sleep.  Irony. 

Doing the right things just sucks sometimes – it’s the bit about getting backlash from the abusors in one’s life that sucks most of all.  It’s my mother and my aunt who are causing the drama and sometimes it all just feels so disgusting to me that I feel like I will never stop throwing up.  😦

Some weeks back, my step-father’s (who is recently deceased) biological children found me on Facebook, due to my last name and hometown.  My step-father, as far as I ever knew, had little or nothing to do with his children.  My mother claimed that he always warned her that when he died they “would not be kind” to her and might try to take an inheritance my mother would need to survive.   That said, I have always known my step-dad and my mother weren’t always the best judges of people… and sometimes they could be complete wackadoodles.  So, I decided to give my step-siblings a shot… turns out, they seem like very nice folks who had similar experiences being raised by my step-father as I did.  It has been cathartic to talk to people who get it… who understand the fear of a child who has a raging father. 

I spoke to my aunt a week or so ago to bounce off her whether or not to tell my mother any of this… cuz, ya know… the whole wackadoodle thing and all.  My aunt decided to tell my mother without warning me or having me in on anything.  My mother called me up freaking out  about what my step-father’s bio-children might “make me think” and her fears that she would “never be able to show her face in town again” because of all the horrible stories me and my step-siblings might spread around town about her husband.  You see, it’s all about my mother.  Besides, as my husband pointed out – we do, apparently, live in feudal Japanese or Victorian society where saving face is everything.  Besides, no one could possibly have anything more important on their minds than gossiping about my mother anyway.  She is the center of the universe, of course.   

Furthermore, it is very important that she control my access to information, because I may believe things that are untrue or are true, but simply unsavory thus tarnishing my opinion of her and my step-father.  Hah.  If she had access to this blog, I don’t think she’d worry about that anymore… for those of you new to my story, there is little anyone could do to make my opinion of them worse rather than telling me that they murdered or raped people.  While my last few years with my step-dad were mostly good, I never held any illusion that he was anything other than a very sick man who abused me for most of my life and nearly broke me and what little sanity I had left when I escaped that house at 17.  My relationship with my mother, however, seems to have done nothing but deteriorate over the years… which brings us to today. 

I need to vent… I need to think outloud… and most of all I need to remember that I am a sane and good person doing the best she can with a really crappy situation…

After the last show-down on the telephone with my mother, my husband yet again pointed out that we would all be healthier and happier people if I had nothing to do with the woman.  My mother does nothing but prove him right and her sister (my aunt) has now joined in on that project.  Which begs the question of myself why would I have anything to do with this woman (my mother… biologically, if in no other sense) after all she has done.  In a nutshell – sexual abuse.  Why do I even bother?  I’m starting to forget why I ever did…  Sure, she’s a sick woman with no other family and I have felt obligated, but the more this woman tries to play my emotions and with my mind, the less sympathy I have for her situation and her condition.  She’s just dragging me down with her anyway and I don’t need that.

After the last show-down with my mother, I called my aunt, because in the past my aunt has been able to offer some validation to me and support against my mother.  Not this time.  She spat my mothers words back to me nearly 100% verbatim.  My guess is that she sees her sister is upset and she is willing to do anything to make it better – even bully her niece.  Or, perhaps, she has realized what a kettle of fish allowing my mother to live with her really is and is hoping to beat me into submission so that I will play the dutiful daughter and take care of my mother so that no one else has to…?  Maybe it’s both – or neither.  Either way, I have felt the pressure of a mother, an aunt and a cousin that are well versed in the arts of bullying, coersion and manipulation. 

I find myself thinking thoughts like, “I cannot believe this is happening.”  Well, it’s time to nip that in the bud.  This IS happening.  Maybe I don’t know all the details or thoughts or feelings behind my aunt’s and cousin’s behavior, but I do feel the pressure and I feel the nausea from their disturbing behavior… and I feel sick that now my mother has allies in trying to lasso me back under her sphere of control. 

I have been trying to take space after my mother’s last blow-up and my mother’s reaction has been to call me ten times a day and text me 20 times a day under various pretext…. She’s concerned I have had a “nervous breakdown” because I actually set a boundary with her… She wants to go on a road trip… She “needs” me to clear up some bank business… She needs the phone number of someone whose number is in the PHONE BOOK… etc, etc, etc.  My response has been to mostly ignore her.  I did give in to sending a terse message about asking my cousin if she wants to drive five hours somewhere. 

Now my aunt has taken the coersion to Facebook, explaining that if I won’t call her, she will be happy to post all her thoughts on my wall.  LOL. I guess she never heard of the block or delete functions of Facebook.  I emailed my aunt back that she will give me space and respect my decisions or I will block her or anyone else who attempts to pressure me in any direction.  I am giving her a chance to back off before I do outright block her, but I doubt she will use the opportunity.  My mother’s family seems to have bread some very hard-headed women who normally take my clearly outlining my intentions and expectations as mere bait for them to increase the volume of pressure and bullying. 

Sadly, I think the ultimate outcome is going to be my cutting ties with these people.  Even worse, they know where I live and work, so things may get ugly, but I am ready for that. 

I think the most sickening part is the realization that my aunt and cousin (this aunt is my godmother) seem to be telling me that they care of me as long as I do what they want and am helpful to them.  They had nothing to do with me for years, unless my aunt was sick and my cousin needed someone to babysit her.  Now that my mother is staying with them, they want to pull the family card… and perhaps that is the most disgusting bit of all.  How have they been family to me other than showing up at a few holidays when I was a kid?  Right now, they seem to show their true colors – supporting and allying themselves with one of my worst abusors and doing all they can to invalidate and silence me to the tune of “cut the crap, AGR”  – apparently that is supposed to be a valid rebuttal to rational argument as to why one might want to have contact with step-siblings that so far have been very nice and pretty neat people.  Perhaps, my response should’ve been that if she has no better argument than “cut the crap” or “give me a break” … that this person has no valid argument at all. 

I think, perhaps, it is time to change my phone number.  After the recent increase in bully-volume, I feel the need for even more space than I wanted in the first place that set them off.  Maybe I should just block them from Facebook right now and not even wait for a response.  I don’t feel like leaving myself vulnerable to people who obviously don’t deserve the honor of being that close to me…

It’s  just all so sickening. …

–AngryGrayRainbows

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