Size Acceptance via My Fat Cat

Given any opportunity to post a picture of one of my cats and I so will…hehehe…

For once, I have a good experience in talking to random women I met about fat.  For once, someone believed me, who is not from the fatosphere, when I mentioned that my “deathfat” cat seems to eat less than all my other cats and she prefers her high protein wet food to dry food any day (and vets keep telling me to take the dry food away from her, cuz she must be guzzling it… idiots…).  Yesterday, I played cab driver for a charity event for stray, abandoned and injuried cats.  Folks walked almost five miles from one shelter location to the other in support of the cats…. ohhh… and dogs too!  While the organization that put this on deals only with cats, the goal is to make Chicago a no-kill city for all animals and organizations that help dogs seem to be involved in some of these events as well. 

My first trip was with three women.  Since it was a car full of cat lovers, we weren’t shy about our funny cat stories.  The ladies were mentioning that they had sibling cats where one was very large and the other was very small… somewhere I jumped in that I have a supposedly very overweight cat that prolly eats less than my teeny, tiny six pound cat.  Shockingly, the young woman next to me didn’t hesitate to say that she thought fat was all about genetics and the women in the back seat make noises of agreement.  Then, the two ladies in the back started talking about all the walks they do, 5 miles for charity and such.  I just loved to hear that.  These were women in their middle ages who did not look like Hollywood middle age (for example, Madonna).  They looked like normal women.  They didn’t look like exercise fiends.  At least one of them would be labelled obese, I believe.  And yet, these women had no fear of getting out and moving their bodies and having fun.  How lovely! 

Maybe ya’all meet lots of body-positive and self-loving women out there in your day-to-day live, but I don’t.  It is so refreshing to see other people out there who show body-love and zest for life and self-esteem!  Some days I wonder if these body-positive women only live in the fat-o-sphere and it is lovely to be proven wrong.  😀

Circling back to my precious Abilene (pictured above), we have discovered that she has skin allergies.  In brushing her out, I found patches of scaley skin in the middle of her back and on the upper part of her tail.  So, I took her to the vet and we are trying her on anti-biotics first to see if that clears it up.  Of course, the vetrinarian mentioned Abi’s weight.  I answered back the truth – this cat loves to go for walks and doesn’t overeat/eats very little dry food.  The woman paused, laughed at me and said, “well, she’s got to be eating something.”  This comment irritated me a lot.  This brilliant vet followed that comment up with something about me needing to brush Abi extra, cuz she’s so fat that she prolly has no motivation and/or ability to clean herself.  Even animals cannot escape fat hate.  😦 

Well, yes, Abi hadn’t been grooming her rump area very well.  Do you think that had anything to do with the scales and scabs there?  A few days on anti-biotics and magically she is grooming her rump all the time – along with grooming the rest of her that she always groomed well.  If vetrinarians (of all people) cannot see fat stereotypes when it comes to a heart-meltingly cute and fuzzy cat, it doesn’t give me hope for a very quick change in the tide in the fat-hate issue in general.  It didn’t help that there was this ridiculous chart hanging on the wall that compared your pet’s poundage overweight to your own.  According to that chart, Abi’s 16.5 pounds at her build is the cat equivalent of 50 pounds overweight for me.  I feel bad for all the pets and petowners who are going to go on some ridiculous diet mission because of this ignorant chart that measures out just how fat (in human terms) your chihuahua, tabby or great dane is.  Cuz, ya know… all those fat cats and dogs are prolly hugely contributing to global warming and stuff with their horrific fatness. 

And the moral of this story, I think, is that it takes a lot more courage and discipline not to jump on the fat hysteria band-wagon than it is to jump on it, buy some SlimFast and start loathing your natural body functions… and yet, it seems that most people think the exact opposite.  This week, I’m going to take extra care to remember that strength it takes to follow HAES and IE and pat myself on the back for it.

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Food is love?

Pardon me as I go off on a psychological journey today.  I’ve been wrestling with this the past couple of days and I think blogging about it might help.

I have a hole in my heart.  Sometimes it’s big and sometimes it’s small.  It’s gotten bigger the last few days and I’ve been trying to fill it.

Let me explain.  Both of my parents are deceased and I have one sister.  My sister is almost 12 years older than me and we’ve never been close.  My parents never insisted we be close and that’s exactly how we turned out.  I think my parents actually meant for us to be distant and, if I were to go by my gut feelings, I would say that my sister was like a black sheep in our family.  I have no memories of my life before the age of six except for one memory where I was 3 years old.  I was drowning in a pool and my sister was standing right beside me and a stranger had to jump in and pull me out.

So here we are in 2009…I’m 45 and my sister is 56.  I have a niece and nephew, both in their 20’s, who I really know nothing about.  I found my niece on facebook a month or so ago and have tried to chat with her through it but she’s not very willing.  A couple of weeks ago I asked her how her mom was (my sister) and she said, “I don’t know.  I haven’t talked to her.”  Does this mean her mother has done the same to my niece as my parents did to us?  Are my niece and nephew distant from family just as we were taught to be?  Yesterday I saw my niece online and tried to start chatting but she would not respond. 

I’m hurt.  I have a hole in my heart…or maybe several holes.  The holes are shaped like my mom, my dad, and my sister and her family.  The holes represent the love I’m not getting from my family or the love I can’t get from my family.  How do I fill those holes?  Well, I’ve been filling them (or so I thought) with food lately.  I’ve been stuffing myself to fill that need that has been so strong lately.  I’ve been eating anything and everything that isn’t tied down.  I’ve been grabbing things to fill up my body to the point of pain and exhaustion to take away or numb the pain of feeling unloved.  Food is love?  Pish posh!  Food is food!

I told AGR yesterday that I needed to talk and, as always, she listened.  The first thing I said was, “I overate.”  Without hesitation she responded, “everybody overeats.”  That was that.  She was right.  Everyone overeats.  I was judging myself and cursing myself because I had done something that everyone else does at some point or another.  Her response snapped me out of that self disgust pretty quickly but then it also let me know that I really needed to dig into why I was overeating.  No, not to judge myself harshly or to accuse myself of doing anything bad, but to understand what was going on inside my heart, body and mind. 

Those holes in my heart?  They’re there, there’s no denying that.  How I respond to them, however, is something I need to deal with.  I’m going to think on this more today but one of the first things I think I need to do is talk to my husband about what’s going on with me.  He can be a great listener and I plan on asking for some cuddle time too.  I plan to journal some after work and I plan to sit on my back patio with my furry critter and relax. 

I’m not sure how it will turn out but I’m also thinking about calling my sister tonight and just seeing if she will talk to me.  I need to really think that through though.  My fear is that the call won’t live up to the expectations I have and I don’t want to crash.  I don’t want to get hurt.

Well, there it is.  I feel like I’ve turned my insides out for all the world to see but any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

~sas

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Open Thread

I love how ya’all stop by on the open threads.  😉  Since there is so much activity, I”ll keep putting up fresh ones every Wednesday. 

Have at it!

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Transcending Fat Hate – A Review

 

Commentor Dedabets inspired me to post a link to an awesome WellRoundedType2 post that I believe I have linked to before about transcending negative feelings about fat while dancing.  You can find that awesome post here.

WRT2 talks about envisioning her fat as full of love, which is frickin’ brilliant!  I have taken this same idea and I envision my fat as full of whatever it is I need at the moment… maybe it is full of competence, because I want to feel capable or maybe I want to feel like it is full of wisdom.  This helps me combats the thoughts that my fat makes me stupid and completely ineffective.  😉  It might be something to try!

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Irony

The “I See Dumb People…” photo would also be a nice illustration, but I’ll stick with the muffins. 

MSNBC advises you to “Beware the Hidden Agenda of ‘Experts’.”  For better or for worse, I found this article in the business section of MSNBC, not the health section.  They warn that financial ‘experts’ (and yes, they do use experts in quotation marks) may have hidden agendas and will give unhelpful advise to investors to further their own agendas. 

I would love to see this article written about diets, the obesity “epidemid” and all that silly stuff.  Awww… shucks… a lot of researchers that say diets are so great have hidden agendas and have financial ties to the weight loss industry.  Do you think that might color the way they report results or put together studies? 

MSNBC, it is not maverick journalism when you simply jump on the bandwagon that (as far as I know) Jon Stewart got rolling by taking on financial ‘expert’ Jim Cramer of ‘Mad Money’ fame.  You could’ve just made the headline, “Yeah… what he said!!”  If you wanna be a real mainstream maverick (as this stuff is all well known in the fatosphere), how about actually reading one of these diet or obesity studies and seeing what interesting ties diet proponents and obesity fearmongers might have. 

–AngryGrayRainbows

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My place of solace and peace

This is my back patio.  I’ve talked before about my back patio.  This is my place of solace.  This is where I go when work, marriage, friendships and general responsibility overload me.  The string of Christmas lights around the roof of the house lights it just right on those dark nights when the stars are shining. 

I reflect on my day.  I think about all the stupid crap that has happened at work that day (and this is something I could do every day).  There is a row of trees behind our house outside of our fence and I can sit there at any given moment during the Spring, Summer or Fall and listen to mocking birds, robins, doves, frogs and crickets.  I pour a glass of wine and take some smooth jazz on the patio with me and I could sit there forever.

I’m so grateful for my back patio.  I’m grateful for most things I have but I truly love this little space on the universe that is mine.  Of course it is a bit bittersweet because had it not been for my inheritance I got when my mom died, I would probably have never been fortunate enough to have such a wonderful place.  My mom loved working with flowers and I try my hardest to honor her by planting flowers each year and making my back yard a tribute to her.  I think she would be proud.

I hope you all have a place like this that you can call your own and one that affords you the ability to escape the mundane every day crap that gets to all of us.

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Wise Words Indeed

A friend pointed me to an eating disorder forum post that had some words I think are so wise and wonderful.  That said, I won’t be providing a link to this forum or post… at least not at this point.  It’s not worth the sanity points that are too easily expended with some of the other stuff that goes on there. 

A poster (and old friend) who I have always found so intuitive and loving to herself and others (not to mention wise) said: “I don’t have a weight loss problem.  I have a self-acceptance problem.”  Bravo!  I love it!  I have heard this idea before, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen it written… and I think it’s a great idea to keep in mind when dieting, fatness, thinness and weight-loss thoughts are troubling us. 

To be clear, this was posted in a thread related to weight restoration.  That one must have the acceptance fundamentals down before trying to lose weight if one is overweight.  I believe that weight restoration may work for some and that some people are meant to be fat or have damaged their poor bodies to the point that fat is as thin as they’re ever going to get.  I believe in HAES and intuitive eating (intuitive living, really) and size acceptance.  I am pointing this out, because I am sure some of ya’all know about this post and I don’t want anyone to mistake that I have changed my size-acceptance views.  I haven’t.  Nor, would that person who posted those words (I believe anyway) agree with all the stuff on this site… maybe most of it.  I don’t know.  I haven’t asked.  But, those words are so lovely, I think, when framed in a size acceptance/HAES/IE point of view that I am sharing them anyway. 

“I don’t have a weight loss problem.  I have a self-acceptance problem.”  Love it!

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Some Happy Stuff

I would just put this in the Open Thread… it would fit better there, but I can’t put cute pics of my beasties in the Open Thread comments.  😀  So, here it is.  I’m posting this one to remind me of the things I’m grateful for… I’ll start with the fur children:

The pic above has all my beasties in it, from left to right: Abilene, Grayson, Time and Howard. 

Contrary to what this picture below may seem to show… Howard really hates Abi… a lot…  He only tolerated her in this picture, because he really wanted to sit in that jacket on the chair.  Apparently jacket plus chair equals major cat happiness.

We adopted Abi last summer and we thought Howard (who has a history of hating other cats, though he liked my other two boys from the start – Grayson and Time) would do okay with her, since she is so low drama.  She pretty much stays out of the way of other cats and does her own thing.  Weirdly, Howard has loathed her from the start… perhaps, because her constant sniffling and sneezing scares him…?  I dunno.  But, I’ve been sad to see Howard run across a room for the sole purpose of swatting at Abi WITH claws out.  *headdesk* 

I am happy to say that FINALLY Howard seems to have made peace with his sister.  In the past week, I have caught him grooming her three times… and he even let her squeeze past him througha crowded area and he didn’t growl, hiss or bat at her!  Whooo hooooo!  It is a major load off my mind to see that the furries have finally made peace with eachother.  😉  Whooo hooooo!  I have hated seeing gentle Abi be picked on and I haven’t liked seeing Howard so insecure either.  What a relief!

Other things I’m grateful for:

~ the beautiful weather outside!

~ afternoon naps

~ NYC style pizza

~ being invited on a softball team (I’m totally joining) with my old work teammates

~ period piece novels

~ the Shedd aquarium

~ being able to give a little money here and there to my fav charities

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Talking Back to the Voices in my Mind

I’ve been sitting on this post idea for a week now.  I was hoping to come up with something that readers could more easily relate too… but, I’ve also learned that when I have an idea haunting me like this one has that I’m not going to get another idea until I get the first one written.  😉  Oh, my silly brain.  Hopefully someone will know what I’m talking about…

I have a lot of abusive tapes in my head.  Usually, they are pretty darn loud and intrusive.  I’ve noticed the tone of voice that I take (in my head) to talk back to them or challenge them really matters.  I realized that my default of challenging the abusive tapes is like a whisper or a murmur in my mind.  This quiet voice of challenge too often gets completely drowned by the volume of the abusive tapes in my head that like to tell me what a stupid loser I am.  This is why I have a good habit of posting when I really need to challenge myself.  For some reason, posting and the actual act of typing so that others can understand me drowns out the abusive tapes in my head, so that I feel like I actually make some headway against them…

But, one day recently I experimented with talking back (in my head) to the tapes, but LOUDLY.  In fact, louder than the icky voices in my head.  And ya know what?  It works!  I always thought that my tone of voice used in my own mind didn’t matter… cuz I am speaking to myself within my own brain and you’d think I would know what I meant without working extra hard to modulate the tone of voice of my thoughts… if that makes any sense…  But, apparently modulation and even ennunciation matters.  I’ve learned that when I’m speaking to myself (in my head) and/or trying to think something out, it is better to speak slowly to myself and ennuciate clearly… otherwise, I tend to lose my train of thought completely or jump off onto wild tangents.  Thanks to ADD my brain is easily distracted by even mildly shiney things.  😉 

This realization makes me wonder why my default is only to whisper against the voices in my head when they get all mean…?  Is it just how I am or does it have something to do with the years where I hardly spoke at all, because I lived in an abusive home and I realized nothing I said mattered anyway, so why even bother speaking…?  Literally, I only spoke when absolutely necessary for two or three years as a teen (maybe longer than that) and I didn’t realize that if I did this that my skill in speaking (even in my own mind) would weaken.  Eventually, I hardly knew how to express anything.  Well, I could write things clearly, but it was difficult to put together sentences in my mind and then get them out of my mouth… and since I couldn’t write to people in my day-to-day life, I was in large part mute and otherwise very awkward in speaking.  I still feel awkward at speaking and I am now thirty… but most of the time, I think folks don’t see that I had to spend years focusing on learning to speak properly again simply from years of not speaking…  weird, eh? 

To bring this round to size-acceptance, I’ve noticed the voices in my head that tell me I’m fat and ugly and that fat equals stupidity, etc.. are really loud… and therefore, it helps that the voice I use (in my head) to challenge them should also be loud and confident and clear and well spoken!  A whispered “ummm… no” in my mind is not nearly as effective as a clear and confident “No way!  All sizes are beautiful!  HAES!!!”  Has anyone else noticed that?

So, there it is.  Hopefully, now that I’ve got this out, my mind can move onto other posting ideas, even as I use this realization in self-talk every day to help challenge the voices in my head… 😉

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Open Thread

Have at it!

–AngryGrayRainbows

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