I always knew that self-acceptance/fat acceptance/intuitive eating was not popular but I realized last night how alone I feel.
I went to my every-other-week therapist appointment last night. I’m always open and very honest with her and last night I told her I was not planning on going back to the EDA meeting she had suggested I try. I told her why I wasn’t wanting to go back and she understood. She always listens and if she sees validity to my feelings, she acknowledges it but if she hears BS, she calls me on it.
She asked me that I try going to EDA one more time. She asked me to think about going and when it comes time to share, to be honest with the group and tell them I’m thinking about leaving the meeting. She suggested that I let them know that I had come to that meeting because all the guidelines for EDA say that they don’t talk about food or weight — that I thought it was a fit for me but if they continue to talk about food and not WHY they do what they do, then that will be my last meeting. She said that hopefully it would open some eyes to what the meetings were supposed to be about.
I told her I didn’t think I could do that. She said her main concern was for me to have some sort of support. She said she knows I don’t get it from my husband (maybe every once in a blue moon) or my work or friends.
When she said that, I realized how lonely I feel in my quest to do Intuitive Eating/Demand Feeding and in accepting myself for who I am. I have no support. Well, let me take that back. I have your support. This blog and others like it give me quite a bit of support but I have no “real time” support.
I want to go to the top of my building and scream, “You’re fine just the way you are! You don’t have to change to fit some standard that society has deemed acceptable! You’re beautiful inside and out!” I want to spread the word and, in turn, maybe, just maybe, get some support in return.
I have tried in the past year or so to talk to some of my co-workers about IE and they turn their noses up at it. The media has made sure that the masses feel like dieting and being thin is the way to go. Dieting and being thin is the way to be. It is the be all, end all. If you’re not dieting and you’re overweight, you’re a fat, lazy slob with no ambition.
I don’t think that is true in the least. I may be fat but that is simply a body size. I’m honest, funny, a hard worker (to a fault sometimes), dependable and a good listener. Fat does not define me!
I don’t want to give up my fight in this! Sometimes it just seems like I’m working so hard on a losing battle.
I WON’T give up! I’m by no means recovered from my eating disorder and not always spot on with the self-acceptance, but when I look back to even 5 years ago, I know that I’m much more accepting of myself and others than I was then. I’ve made some headway on this IE thing and no one said it was going to be easy. As a matter of fact, the books I’ve read tell you to remain patient with yourself because this is not an easy thing to do after years of self-loathing and using food as medication to cure all your ills.
I don’t want to do this alone (in real time) but if I have to, I will. It’s worth it to me to believe in this as strongly as I do, even though it’s not thought of as the “norm”. If nothing else, maybe I can lead by example and teach someone about it without them even knowing it. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
In closing, I just want to say thank you to my wonderful support system that is this blog. I love you all and wish you all the best!
~sas
Angry Gray Rainbows 
That’s really rough. As nice as online support is, sometimes you just need someone who “gets it” in real life.
I wonder, since you haven’t been successful in introducing your “real life” people to FA, if you could turn some online FA buddies into “real life” people. By running or going to a fatosphere meet-up maybe?
If that doesn’t work or doesn’t feel like soemthing you want to pursue, I hope you can find some other real life support.
You’re brave and you rock for being able to identify the EDA group as something harmful to you and ditch it. Your therapist’s got a good point about support, but you’re the only one who can decide what’s good support and what’s going to hurt you more than it’s worth.
I don’t know that I know any online buddies who are anywhere close to me and due to my anonymity, I doubt I’ll ever find out.
This EDA meeting I’m referring to is the only meeting within 250 miles of me so I’m pretty strapped there.
Thanks for the support and I hope you continue to read and respond. I need all the help and support I can get.
You know what? I think your therapist’s idea is a good one. Not only might you plant a tiny seed in a mind or two – even if they don’t notice it at first – it’s also an excellent exercise in standing up for yourself and expressing your needs.
It really is easy to forget in the cosy world of FA blogs that we are not just the minority, but nearly a statistical anomaly. I’ve felt alone, too, when a dozen people I love and admire who know my stance on the toxicity of diet talk and weight shaming stand around together to bemoan their ‘lack of willpower’ and ‘naughtiness’ at eating a damn cracker. I think all of us feel alone sometimes, because we are so utterly out of step with everyone around us.
But then I remind myself that there was a time – and not that long ago – when it would be terribly lonely being the only person in the room who thought slavery was wrong, or maybe being gay isn’t such a horrible thing, or even that we should let left-handed kids be left-handed (Hey, I almost flunked kindergarten for being left-handed). It’s lonely and it’s frustrating, but I’d rather be in that sort of minority than a self-hating or other-fearing majority.
The way I look at it is this, a rock is much bigger and much harder than a drop of water, but over time, if there are enough drops of water, they wear through the rock. Be the water. As lonely as it seems sometimes, there are more of us every day and one day we will wear down the rock of fat hatred and self-loathing.
We are not that many yet, but we will be if we are patient and persistent… and refuse to be silenced.
Twistie has a good point. For you it could be good practice in saying what you want in front of people you don’t ever have to see again if you don’t want to.
OTOH, I see how it’s scary, too.
I do see Twistie’s point of it being an exercise in assertiveness but I’ll be honest, I’m not super good at this standing up for myself thing yet. However, I can also remind myself that I don’t know any of these people except for my sponsor. I know them only from the meetings. No one ever comes up to me and talks to me afterward. I stand around some but everyone is so quick to leave the meeting that no one takes an interest in anyone else. No one calls or emails even though we have each other’s contact info. (I have contacted three or four of them via email and get no responses. I just tell them I’m thinking of them and hope their day is going ok but still no response.)
I just feel in my heart that this group is not right for me.
My therapist told me at our last meeting that she knows someone who goes to an OA meeting close to me (my therapist is over an hour away from me) and this meeting is supposedly more mature and doesn’t talk about food and weight but rather the issues. She said she would get that information for me and I may try that. Although OA meetings do scare me, I may try it anyway.
Now I’m thinking it would be great to have someone go with you. Perhaps you could reach out to some local fats in your area and team-up with someone? I know that is a scary thought, but someone might be wanting to go to a meeting but feeling too scared to go alone. You never know.
I am glad you updated about this though, I was thinking of you! And you know, you can always leave, which is nice. self acceptance in general is a difficult and really a never-ending journey, but it’s so worth it. You know that. So keep on keepin’ on and your readers will be right here to cheer you on! You can do it! ❤
notblueatall~
Thank you. You know, sometimes it just feels so good to be heard and validated. To know there are other people out there in the universe who hold the basic beliefs that you do is so nice.
There are so many times, because I feel like I have no real time support, when I think, “oh sas, just go on another diet. This IE stuff doesn’t work. Other people have lost weight on diets and they’re so happy.”
Reality sets in eventually and I remember when I lost a bunch of weight and here I am, twice the size I was then. I wasn’t happy when I lost the weight so that tells me happiness is NOT being thin!
I saw a woman the other night who had just had gastric bypass surgery and we were at a Christmas party. She has lost an enormous amount of weight in a very short time and she looked pretty good and was smiling and “appeared” to be happy. Then I saw her at the buffet table eating more than I know she should have (because of the surgery not because it’s not acceptable) and she was drinking a lot of alcohol (again, not advised so quickly, or ever, after surgery). I don’t wish her ill but I foresee this weight loss as being temporary and I’m afraid she will be so hurt when she realizes she hasn’t dealt with this wound of her real issues, only placed a bandaid over it.
Thank you for the suggestion of maybe having someone go with me but that leads into the issue of me having no friends (due to isolating so much) to go with me.
Thanks again for reading and responding and I look forward to seeing you more!
The “go back one more time and tell the group why you think they’re full of shit” is standard group therapy practice– you’re not supposed to leave without telling the group you’re leaving. (In my mind, this keeps people chained to the group if they want to avoid conflict, but I Am Not A Psychologist.)
Maybe it would be better to think of this as the one time you get to stand in front of a group of dieters and tell them exactly what you think of their attitudes and how they fail completely at being an EDA group. Scary but empowering? It’s your space to say what you want! And the rules of the group mean they listen. Take advantage of that.
G~
Good point. Scary? Yes, but still a good point.
Many people including me agree with intuitive eating and body acceptance. I don’t know you, but I support you and your choice to accept yourself and your body. No one can stop you and no one can stop us.
Seconded! Thank you for another thought-provoking post.
Thanks Jerome! Appreciate your support more than you know.
Thanks Rhondaroo! I appreciate that so much! Good luck to you! We can do it, can’t we?
Really, thank you!
I used to feel so alone, and I still do sometimes. I’m working with the fat nutritionist for a while and she’s been helping me a lot, I higlhy recommend her http://www.fatnutritionist.com/
Also there’s body love wellness, from Golda Poretsky, who is a wonderful person and has a great work too. http://www.bodylovewellness.com/
And More of me to love, a community that helps us to stay strong in a world like ours. http://www.moreofmetolove.com/
They give me a lot of support, that I usually don’t find in “real” life as well.
Keep strong, we’re here for you!
FYI, Katja at http://www.familyfeedingdynamics.com/ is an MD who trained with Ellyn Satter, same as Michelle at http://www.fatnutritionist.com.
Ellyn Satter’s website is http://www.ellynsatter.com/
Thanks Living~
The input here has been overwhelming! I love it! I will also look into the ellensatter site.
papumorgado~
Thanks! Thanks for the references to more support. I appreciate it so much. I will stay strong becasue I really believe in this approach and in me!
The Fat Nutritionist is absolutely mind-blowingly helpful. I have worked with her for a while. She is fat and fat-positive as well as extremely knowledgeable and helpful.
OA isn’t scary. After a while I found the people incredibly irritating, annoying and stuck but not scary. I guess it was a good place for me to go if my blood pressure was too low. I say give it a try, you may find a good group and I do like the steps.
I would suggest trying ALANON. It will help you deal with your controlling and recovering husband. Alanon helped me so much. My husband’s bad moods are no longer my bad moods. I have learned a lot of boundaries and deal with unhealthy behavior more often on my terms rather than theirs. It is still not easy because the people who upset me have not changed, at least not much, but I have changed and my reactions have changed. You have to teach other people your boundaries. The first thing is to assert boundaries, the second thing (in my opinion) is to have those people fight even harder against your boundaries and call you selfish for daring to care about your needs rather than theirs. They push back even harder and then things slowly get better.
I understand exactly how you feel. I use to feel so alone when I first decide to opt out of the norm. It really can be overwhelming and just beat you down to constantly hear about diet talk and how horrible fat is and blah blah. Then when you try to say anything different people just look at you weird or get angry and yell at you or they just get mean. Its really no fun.
I know its worth it even when I feel like I am alone and that everyone is against me I know that I can never go back to believing in dieting and believing that skinny is the only way to be. I just can not do it and I don’t want to do it even if that means that I will always feel alone.
However I pretty much second what everyone else has said maybe you should try reaching out to local fats in the area. Maybe you could try to start your own group in the area since you said that there isn’t really a group close by to you. I know that you may feel alone in the world and like you are the only one who believes that fat doesn’t define someone, but that isn’t always the case. There are more and more people are starting to realize and do believe this as well in the world. Sometimes the people you least except turn out to believe in the same thing as you do.
I wish I had a way to make real time support for you but there really is no easy way to do that. You just have to keep talking and reaching out to people and hopefully you will meet someone who feels the same way as you do.
Stay strong you know at the very least you are not alone! All the responses from this post shows you that you are not alone we might all be far apart but you are not alone in this fight. Tons of people are fighting right there with you dealing with the same issues as you in spirit!
Hi! I just wanted to offer a little counter-opinion. I think that you should go with your gut about this meeting. If you didn’t like it and don’t think it’s a helpful thing for you, then don’t go back. I don’t think the same types of “recovery” options are right for everyone, and (just like intuitive eating) you should try to be as aware as you can be about figuring out what’s right for you.
I’m pretty alone in my FA as well (and am also recovering from an eating disorder), so I just wanted to stop in and say I know how you feel.