A Blast from the Past

So it’s 1:49 a.m. and I’m up reading through blogs and I decided to read through some of our archived posts.  I came across one that I still hold near and dear to my heart.  It still rings true to me today so I thought I’d share it with you again.

Data to Validate

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A new day

Today is Friday.  It’s the last day of my work week.  I love Fridays!

My husband has gone for the weekend to visit his parents about 3 to 3 1/2 hours away and it’s just going to be me and the dog all weekend.  Can you say AWESOME!?!  My plans?  I have none. 

Today is a new day and I woke up feeling good not only because it’s Friday but because I read my responses to yesterday’s blog entry last night before I went to bed.  I woke up knowing I wasn’t alone.  I also woke up knowing there are people out there that believe and live knowing that fat phobia is WRONG!  I woke up feeling validated!!

The sun is peeking out from behind the clouds and the chill is still in the air.  I’m finished Christmas shopping and I’m going to make candy and bake cookies this weekend.  I might even go hit a couple of clothing sales for me tomorrow (I need some long sleeved shirts and blouses for work). 

I’m feeling good and accepted today.  I’m accepting myself today and that’s always a good thing, right?  I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll see ya later!

~sas

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Don’t want to give up!

I always knew that self-acceptance/fat acceptance/intuitive eating was not popular but I realized last night how alone I feel.

I went to my every-other-week therapist appointment last night.  I’m always open and very honest with her and last night I told her I was not planning on going back to the EDA meeting she had suggested I try.  I told her why I wasn’t wanting to go back and she understood.  She always listens and if she sees validity to my feelings, she acknowledges it but if she hears BS, she calls me on it.

She asked me that I try going to EDA one more time.  She asked me to think about going and when it comes time to share, to be honest with the group and tell them I’m thinking about leaving the meeting.  She suggested that I let them know that I had come to that meeting because all the guidelines for EDA say that they don’t talk about food or weight — that I thought it was a fit for me but if they continue to talk about food and not WHY they do what they do, then that will be my last meeting.  She said that hopefully it would open some eyes to what the meetings were supposed to be about.

I told her I didn’t think I could do that.  She said her main concern was for me to have some sort of support.  She said she knows I don’t get it from my husband (maybe every once in a blue moon) or my work or friends. 

When she said that, I realized how lonely I feel in my quest to do Intuitive Eating/Demand Feeding and in accepting myself for who I am.  I have no support.  Well, let me take that back.  I have  your support.  This blog and others like it give me quite a bit of support but I have no “real time” support.

I want to go to the top of my building and scream, “You’re fine just the way you are!  You don’t have to change to fit some standard that society has deemed acceptable!  You’re beautiful inside and out!”  I want to spread the word and, in turn, maybe, just maybe, get some support in return.

I have tried in the past year or so to talk to some of my co-workers about IE and they turn their noses up at it.  The media has made sure that the masses feel like dieting and being thin is the way to go.  Dieting and being thin is the way to be.  It is the be all, end all.  If you’re not dieting and you’re overweight, you’re a fat, lazy slob with no ambition. 

I don’t think that is true in the least.  I may be fat but that is simply a body size.  I’m honest, funny, a hard worker (to a fault sometimes), dependable and a good listener.  Fat does not define me! 

I don’t want to give up my fight in this!  Sometimes it just seems like I’m working so hard on a losing battle.  

I WON’T give up!  I’m by no means recovered from my eating disorder and not always spot on with the self-acceptance, but when I look back to even 5 years ago, I know that I’m much more accepting of myself and others than I was then.  I’ve made some headway on this IE thing and no one said it was going to be easy.  As a matter of fact, the books I’ve read tell you to remain patient with yourself because this is not an easy thing to do after years of self-loathing and using food as medication to cure all your ills.

I don’t want to do this alone (in real time) but if I have to, I will.  It’s worth it to me to believe in this as strongly as I do, even though it’s not thought of as the “norm”.  If nothing else, maybe I can lead by example and teach someone about it without them even knowing it.  Wouldn’t that be awesome?

In closing, I just want to say thank you to my wonderful support system that is this blog.  I love you all and wish you all the best!

~sas

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Finding Me

I’m thinking about putting an ad in the local paper asking for help in finding me.

LOST:  One fun-loving, robust, smiling female.  Blonde hair, hazel eyes and a sense of humor to die for.  She’s  intelligent and witty and empowered.  Her typing skills are fair, she’s a great organizer and a good listener.  She loves music and dancing, playing spades and having a good time.  If you’ve seen her, please contact sassyblonde and let her know where she is and what she’s doing.

Found:  I’ve seen her.  She’s wondering around lost as a goose.  She’s lost her voice, her sense of self and her independence.  She’s codependent as hell on her hubby.  She feels powerless and helpless.  She feels out of control and like the decisions she makes are invalid and wrong.  She avoids friendships, socializing or gatherings of any kind…she’s isolating.  She doesn’t trust her own feelings anymore and she’s tired of feeling alone.  She’s just about shut down all together.

I honestly can’t remember a time when I was independent and trusted myself to make any decisions.  My childhood was one of strict religious rules, a domineering and raging father and a mother who abandoned me emotionally at a very young age.

I have lost the ability to trust my own intuition about my decisions, my body, my spirituality, etc…

From a very young age I was guided and guarded very closely.  When it came time for me to leave the nest and strike out on my own, I wasn’t allowed to.  Guilt and shame were used to keep me on a tight leash and although I lived out on my own I was at “home” constantly.  My father became gravely ill when I was 18 years old and he remained ill until the day he died (about 20 years later).  Even though he was ill and I was no longer living at home, he knew how to guilt me into staying under his thumb of control.

When I got married, I, of course, married a man very similar to my father.  Although my husband saw the controlling nature and domineering behavior in my father, he doesn’t see that he is the same way.  He may not see it because I don’t tell him often enough that he is controlling everything.

It’s time for me to find me!  It’s time for me to find the fun-loving, socializing person that I am inside and live life!  It’s going to be a process for me but I know it will be well worth it. 

I’m going to start with my eating.  I’m going to tell my husband that he is responsible for his recovery and I’m responsible for mine.  I started having my eating controlled at the age of seven when my mom took me to my first WW meeting and I’ve had someone or something (the latest diet fad, book, etc…) controlling my eating ever since.  It’s time I trust my own intuition about my eating.

This is scary as hell.  It seems to me that I’m at 280 pounds and hate myself because I didn’t have enough willpower, enough control or whatever – when  in actuality, I hate myself because I trusted other people or things and didn’t trust ME.  Putting trust in me is going to be a huge challenge. 

Baby steps, right?  This step will hopefully be the first of many in finding me again.  Wish me luck!

~sas

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Thankful



I’m one of only a few who showed up to work today.  I’m sitting at my desk listening to Christmas music and just tying up some odds and ends that are hard to tend to when there are people are coming in and out all the time.

I read through some other blogs a few minutes ago and many of them are concentrating on the positives and the things to be thankful for this time of the year so I thought I would follow suit.

It seems we all experience some sort of stress during this time and I’ve had my share of it this week!  After a sad and hurtful exchange with my hubby, it’s been decided that I will stay home with the dog while he drives 7 hours to our yearly family reunion.  Don’t get me wrong, staying home does not sadden me in the least but the conversation we had about it is what was so hurtful.

So I’m turning this around and finding the positives.

• Staying home with the dog will allow me to decorate the house at my own pace and the way I want
• I’m thankful for my house and the space I have to decorate
• I love my dog and at this point, I’d rather spend time with my dog than my husband…tee hee
• I’m thankful for my husband (most days)
• I’m very thankful for my rescued yellow labrador retriever who doesn’t know how to be stressed
• I’ll be able to make some changes around the house I’ve been wanting to do without hubby’s supervision (like changing out some mini-blinds)
• I’m thankful for my savings account that will allow me to get the money needed to buy the mini-blinds
• I can watch my chick flick Christmas movies or listen to Christmas music whenever I want
• I can eat where, when and what I want
• I can Christmas shop by myself for as long as I want (again, I’m thankful for that savings account)
• I can sleep in
• I’m thankful for the most comfortable bed I know of
• I’m planning on taking a hot jacuzzi bath
• I can lounge all day and read if that’s what I want to do
• I’ll fix a fire in my outdoor fireplace, get a glass of wine and sit on the back patio reading my book or listening to some nice calm music
• I’ll enjoy a STRESS FREE holiday!!!!

How’s that for positives and thankfulness?!?  Woo hoo, bring it on Thanksgiving!

~sas

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Open Thread

Well, it’s a slow Friday so I thought I’d open up the blog to an open thread. 

Discuss what you wish but be mindful of our rules and blogging etiquette.

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Wellness Program at work

These things are very triggering for me and it’s happening today. 

I’m so thankful this actually takes place in another building and far away from me.  The flyers have been posted all over our building for this “wellness program” for a couple of weeks.  They boast of helping you with fitness and weight loss. 

The ones I’ve been to in the past do not really care about fitness or overall health but of losing weight.  When I walk in, I feel like (and I know this isn’t always true) they see a fat person walking toward them who is desperate to lose weight because then all her problems will be solved.  It’s almost like a personal goal for some of them to lasso me to their table so they can “save” me.

Our HR person called me earlier this morning and said, “where is everyone?  You need to encourage them to come over here to the wellness program.”  I said, “I can’t make them go if they don’t want to.  I’ve had the flyers posted and they’re aware of it.”  This didn’t satisfy her so she went to my boss and told him the same thing to which he replied the same as I did.  “You can’t force someone to come over there and participate if they don’t want to.

The flyers are coming down this afternoon and this is one more wellness program I’m avoiding.  Skipping this event is how I choose to take care of myself and love myself today!

~sas

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Never enough

We’ve been gone for so long that I thought I would give some background on what we’re about.  In a word….ACCEPTANCE.  Self-acceptance in every way.  Acceptance of your own looks, your body, your thought processes…just everything. 

We, especially as women, have been taught not to accept ourselves.  We’re too fat.  We’re too ugly.  Our ears aren’t just right.  We eat the wrong things.  We weigh too much.  We are too vocal, we’re not vocal enough.  We’re not tall enough or short enough.  Our feet are too big or too small.  We don’t clean house well enough.  We don’t make good enough grades.  IT’S NEVER FREAKIN’ ENOUGH!!!!

Now hear me out.  I said acceptance, not settling.  If you wish something about you was different, then by all means, change it.  But before you do any changing, accept yourself for who you are at that moment. 

One of my favorite illustrations is in the book Overcoming Overeating by Hirschmann and Munter.  I’m paraphrasing but it asks you to imagine you live on a planet where your weight would never change no matter what you did.  One day something happens and whatever weight you are when this happens, you stay that weight forever.  No changing it no matter what you try.   It asks that you think about what you might consider doing that you haven’t done before because of your weight…what are some risks you would take?  I’ve thought about this many times and there are a few things I would do (and some I’ve actually done, with reluctance).  I would wear shorts in public.  I would dance more.  I would be the social butterfly that my inner self really is.  Lastly, I would eat GREAT FOOD and drink GREAT DRINKS!

If you do this little exercise, I would love to see what you come up with.

Going back to my previous statement about accepting and not settling…I have accepted myself today, at this moment.  If I could never change I’d be ok with it.    A change I’ve been affecting for, let me see, this is my second week of doing it, is Intuitive Eating/Demand Feeding.  For about 5 years I have told everyone that this is the way to live and I’ve touted it’s benefits without really living it for myself.  I knew in my heart and mind that this is what my body wanted but my ED got in the way of the thought processes and actually doing it.

The basic premise of IE is to eat when you’re hungry, eat what you want and stop when you’re full.  There are different authors who go into other principles such as eating undistracted or carrying a food bag but I would say the main gist of it is to eat when hungry, eat what you want and stop when full.

Last week, my therapist suggested I start working a food plan.  I got with my EDA sponsor who is also a nutritionist and asked her if she would be able to help me with this.  Within two days of first talking about a food plan, I was in panic attack mode.  I was desperately searching for someone to hear me! (thank you AGR!)  Simply the words food plan sent me soaring into space!  I had no idea how badly it would affect me.  All I could think about was the old days when I had to keep a food journal, eat so many of each food group and get in certain amounts of foods.  I was panicking!!!  (even my husband who is ED’d saw my frustration and was worried about me)

I got a hold of my therapist and told her I needed a session right away and she saw within a couple of days (she’s always booked solid).  We talked and she understood where I was coming from and apologized for suggesting it.  She knows about my wanting to use the IE method and is very supportive of it.    After I spoke to her, I spoke to my sponsor and she agreed that she would not discuss food issues with me anymore – only the issues underlying what causes me to turn to food.  Whew!  What a relief.

The thing I’ve noticed in actually living IE is that the first thing you need to do to be able to initiate the process is to accept yourself.  You need to accept you for who you really are.  You need to accept that you, no one else, no weight loss group, no diet guru, no pill, knows you better than you do.  You need to trust and accept that your body knows when you’re hungry and when you’re full and, on top of that, it knows what it wants to eat.

Scary huh?  We’ve depended on other people to decide our worth, our way of dressing, our way of acting, our way of being AND OUR WAY OF EATING.  We’ve let other dictate who we are and have lost our own individuality!

So to end this post, I would say that we need to tell ourselves at least once a day that WE ARE ENOUGH.  We were always enough.  We’ll always be enough.  Changes may be made and that’s ok too – if it’s what WE want.  We don’t have to have validation from anyone else.

~sas

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Strength came out of the storms

ThunderLightning           Tornadoes  Hail

STRENGTH

If you have been reading here lately, you know that I’ve really been struggling lately.

I don’t know why but yesterday I was able to get out of bed and have a somewhat clear-thinking day.  The storms pushed through our area, the tornado sirens went off, we got in our closet with our dog, flashlights and radio and we survived a day of bad weather.  Because of the drop in barometric pressure and the really high humidity, I had a barometric pressure headache.  I mean it was a killer.  It seemed that my head alone weighed 50 pounds and it throbbed like crazy.  I just knew it was going to explode.

Through all the craziness of yesterday I think I came out a better person emotionally.  A couple of times I just simply had to retreat to bed to get away from the constant warnings on the TV and the throbbing of my head.  I guess in those moments I reflected back on what I consider to have been better times for me. 

I realized I have completely fallen away from accepting myself.  I have “allowed” someone else (my dear hubby) to change how I view myself.  Now this is about par for the course for my life because I have a history of letting other people’s opinions of me determine my feelings toward myself. 

I thought back to the few months that I was completely immersed in self acceptance and how good it felt.  I can remember that my self acceptance had me feeling good about myself but mostly it helped me to not give a flying rat’s ass what anyone else thought of me (including my dear hubby).  My self acceptance/fat acceptance/body acceptance allowed me to gain my self respect and see my own self worth.

With that in mind this morning, I got up and went straight for the computer.  I had gotten out of the habit of reading some of my favorite FA blogs (because God forbid you get any support  from society and your work buddies!) and I know when I go to those blogs (see our blog roll) that I will feel like someone knows what I’m going through.  I see hope when I read from people who are struggling as I am or, even better, from people who truly accept themselves and shout it to the world!

Today is a new day and I feel I have a new strength.  Thank you fellow bloggers!

~sas

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Undue pressure

I put so much undue pressure on myself. Pressure to be good. Pressure to be right. Pressure to be in control. Pressure to do and say all the right things. PRESSURE! PRESSURE! PRESSURE!

Sometimes I put myself under so much pressure I think I’m going to explode like a can of soda that’s been shaken. Once that soda can reaches it’s pressure point, it spews all kinds of crap everywhere and is uncontrollable.

I say all that to tell you that is how I have felt about posting here.

I have put myself under pressure to post just the right words to inspire and cause deep thought. I have purposefully avoided blogging because I don’t want to do anything “wrong”. I want to say the right thing. I want to be uplifting and a shining example for all. (Again with that damn religious upbringing to be perfect or be condemned to hell!)

When I thought I might blog about this, I came to the realization that that is not why AGR and I started this blog. We, in fact, started this blog to help journal our recovery processes with the hopes of helping or validating others along our path. If I only post about my successes and happy times, it seems to me I will appear “unreal”, “above everyone else” or maybe even “recovered”. I learned a lot by reading of other people’s journeys, about the mountains and valleys they encountered along the way…about the “realness” of their recovery journey, so it is my plan to now be real with you about my recovery journey into self-awareness and self-acceptance.

The healing process consists of the good and the bad. I have to remind myself that I cannot always be that shining example of emotional, physical or spiritual health but that I am a work in progress…and that’s ok. It’s more than OK! It’s phenomenal! I’d rather be a work in progress than one who believes she has no issues to talk about and is stagnant. I don’t have all the answers and that’s ok too.

I’m just letting you know before hand that my blogging may take a turn toward the more issue oriented, not so perfect world that is my life. I don’t want to appear to be something I’m not – a well adjusted person with all the answers. I’m just going to be me, warts and all.

~sas

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