Words, Thoughts & Rebellion

I never used to think that the way I spoke to myself really mattered.  I am me after all.  If I am not careful with my wording, surely I must understand the meaning underlying my words.  Of course, those of us who have Recovered to a certain extent from eating disorders or who are experienced with body acceptance, know that the way we speak to ourselves (ie: our thoughts about ourselves) matter. 

For example, the thought may occur to me that I’d like to be healthier in some way.  And, here comes the list of shoulds, needs, haves and betters. 

I need to eat more of this or that.  I should go to the gym.  I have to clean the house more!  I’d better drink less caffeine or I will be up all night.  —  Of course, I say all these things to myself in the tone of a parent threatening punishment to a child.  *head desk*  This is where the rebellion kicks in.  After surviving micro-managing (and otherwise insane) parenting and a micro-managing (and otherwise insane.. hah) parade of eating disorders, I don’t like being told what I need, should, better be doing.  I really cannot think of anyone who would like being talked to in that way. 

Now, I always used to think that because this is ME saying this to ME, that even behind the harsh wording I would understand all of this comes from a place of love and wanting good things for myself, etc.  But, like the idea I see so often in the fat-o-sphere, you cannot be cruel to yourself for your own good.  In the end, it doesn’t work.

Thankfully, I’ve realized this kind of wording and hard-handed is unnecessary.  I guess I realized this for the first time years ago, but I do through periods of refining the idea and rediscovering it and I think this is where I’m at right now.  Rediscovery.

If I frame my desires as “I want to”, I often feel an initial moment of surprise. —  I want to?  Really?  Who are you?  Do I know you? 

I WANT to eat nutritious foods.  I WANT to get some exercise.  I WANT to vaccuum the floor, so my allergies aren’t going haywire.  Woah… from that wording, I sound less like someone being talked down to as an impetuous child and more like a responsible adult that I can relate to. 

I’m really grateful for this period of rediscovery.  I have realized that I have a job that makes me very unhappy.  Besides not liking the culture of my company, I have a boss that has no boundaries and doesn’t expect me to have any either.  She has allowed herself to be overworked to the point that she is so stressed that her body cannot kick a simple head cold.  Most of the time, she is doing so many things at once, that I have to go round and round with her twenty times to get a coherent sentence from her on what our priorities or tasks are.  On top of all the work stress, she also seems to thrive on upheaval in her personal life.  I have never heard her speak to her teenage daughter in a loving or respectful tone.  She buys more than she can afford… way more.  One day, she was leaving her husband and in a complete panic as if he had hit her… and the next she was speaking of him as if he’s the best husband ever.  She has never explained what happened there.  But, why do I need to know about it in the first place?  I could list the craziness all day, but there’s no point in rehashing it. 

I bring this up, because I have spent months pushing back on this woman, to create boundaries, to establish some kind of sanity in this work relationship… but what I get instead is talked down to.  She tells me that I have an attitude.  She tells me I’m not being fair.  And, she gives me assignments and projects that make no sense with deadlines that are often completely unrealistic. 

In my mind, all I hear from her is “need, have to, should, you’d better!”  Hearing this brand of speech from someone outside of myself seems to have triggered my own condescending inner dialogue again and so this period of rediscovery becomes necessary.  And, I think it is time I look for another job.  Thankfully, even in this economy, my particular skillset is still in demand, so I have a clear “out”. 

Since this blog is fairly new, I will qualify that I believe in HAES (health at any size).  My point about eating well isn’t about losing weight.  It is about allowing myself to eat well.  Eating well in my world includes egg/cheese panini’s and cookies.  However, when I see for the sake of rebellion that I feel malnourished because my body really craves something green, but I’m too angry at the world (and myself) to eat it… then I know I need to take a look at what is going on.  What my weight happens to be is none of my business.  That bit is up to the wisdom of my body.