“I think he’s actually a very big cat, but most of him is invisible and in his head.”

”I think he’s actually a very big cat, but most of him is invisible and in his head.” – Says hubby regarding how our little Grayson (the love-noceraus), all of 7lbs, manages to take over half of a queen-sized bed leaving his owners squished and sore fighting over what little part of the bed he left for us…

–AngryGrayRainbows

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baby step number two

I’ve already taken my first step to finding myself and that is in realizing and admitting that I lost or am losing my sense of self.

I’m taking a second step today.  I’m making a decision, I’m owning why I’m making said decision and I’m going to take full responsibility for it and stand behind it.

A few weeks ago (maybe about 3 months ago), my therapist suggested I attend EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) meetings.  

Before I went to the first meeting I went online and did all the research I could on EDA.  I was so impressed with the way it sounded because it sounded just like how I’ve been wanting to live.  EDA is a 12 step support group and it’s based on intuitive eating.   They stress that there be no rigidity around food.  They don’t preach food or exercise but instead, feelings and emotions or WHY you do what you do in terms of your eating behaviors.  

I went to a meeting on Monday night and as I walked out of the room at the end of the meeting, I made a conscious decision.  My decision is that I will not be returning to that EDA meeting.  The unfortunate thing is that there is no other meeting anywhere near my area.

Each meeting I’ve attended has left me feeling more unheard about my recovery than when I went in but I promised my therapist and my hubby that I would try it.  Monday night I realized I know what I want my recovery to look like and it isn’t what they’re doing.  The outline for EDA that is online is what I’m searching for but the group that meets calling themselves an EDA group is, in fact, not (or at least not in my opinion). 

A typical meeting would be to go in and have someone read aloud the steps and traditions of EDA and then the leader for that meeting reads from a devotional book. Then the meeting is opened to everyone.  There is no discussion…just random bits of information from everyone.  Monday night, one woman said she was having problems with planning her meals, the guy said he was having problems with portion control, one woman said she was abstaining from all sweets, sugared or non-sugared, one woman said she needs to exercise more.  When I wanted to speak, I talked about my loss of self (as I posted last time).  I bore my soul and let it all hang out.  No one else talked about emotions, feelings or whatever led them to being eating disordered.

Nope!  Not for me!  I tried.  Now, normally at this point I would considert myself a failure because I’m choosing not to continue going.  This time it’s different.  It’s my decision..my very own, for my own reasons.  When I told my hubby I wasn’t going back he didn’t say anything negative (not that it would’ve mattered if he had).  I told him why I felt the way I did and he completely supported me (surprise, right?).  He did, however, ask me if I was going to tell my sponsor and my therapist that I wasn’t going to go anymore.  I told him I was going to tell them both and it didn’t matter how they responded.  I have no reason to back off of my decision and every reason to stick behind it.  That meeting was/is toxic to my recovery and I’m not going to continue going.

I gotta tell ya…I’m pretty darn proud of myself at this point.  I’ve made a decision.  I’ve made a decision for the betterment of ME.  I’m taking full responsibility for it’s outcome.  How cool is this????  It may be a baby step but to me, it’s one hell of a baby step!

~sas

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Recuperating from Thanksgiving

 I wish I could say I had a happy and fun Thanksgiving but that just would not be the truth.  (Twistie, I should’ve taken you up on your offer!)

The Thanksgiving holiday always involves a family reunion on my husband’s side of the family.  For us, depending on who is hosting the reunion, it involves a lengthy drive of either 3, 7 or 8 hours (this year it was 7 hours).  Hubby and I got into an argument just prior to the trip and it was determined that I would stay home with the dog and he would go to the reunion alone (this was not necessarily a mutal decision between us).

I’ll be honest, this reunion is one of the most stressful times of the year for me.  If my husband were honest, he would agree.  We end up staying with his parents wherever they choose.  I love my in-laws dearly and I totally realize how lucky I am to have the in-laws I do, BUT, this once a year reunion is the most stress inducing, horrible weekend of the year!

The night before hubby was supposed to leave, my husband asked me to please go with him.  He said that the trailer we usually stay in would be available and we would be able to take the dog (our only child) with us.  I reluctantly agreed, knowing full well I would miserable the whole time.  This may seriously be the last year I subject myself to that.

My Thanksgiving was miserable and I’m the one responsible.  I should’ve stuck to my guns and stayed home as was decided earlier.

Because the in-laws live halfway between us and the destination family for this year, we left around noon on Thursday to spend some time with hubby’s parents on Thanksgiving and then we all left together on Friday morning.   I told my hubby I would like to stop at a restaurant somewhere along the way and eat a decent Thanksgiving lunch.  He told me that his parents were going to someone’s house for lunch and they would get us a couple of plates and bring them home.  We had to wait until we got to his parents to eat.  It was awful!  It was the one real meal I got to eat all day and it was disgusting.  I would’ve been better off going to McD’s and getting a quarter pounder with cheese.

The visit with family we only see once a year was tolerable, not enjoyable, just tolerable.  The biggest issue I have is the attitude my mother-in-law comes away with.  She talks about everyone!  No one is immune!  She’s a know it all and looks down on everyone. 

Along with that, this year my father-in-law is having health issues (he’s 76 years old and the only med he takes is one aspirin a day) and the m-i-l is making it worse by being mean and nasty to him.  She’s just hateful and cruel.  She’s bitter and I do understand some of it but instead of talking about the real issue and working through it, she would rather be angry and manipulative and down right mean.  There were a couple of times I just wanted to run and hide and not come out for the rest of the trip. 

I guess my question I’d love to have some input on is where do you draw the line?  Do you (people in general) do things like this reunion out of obligation, knowing that the in-laws won’t be around much longer, and be miserable to make them happy.  OR, do you do what’s best for you and stay home and away from all the drama?  The easy answer is to stay home away from the drama but “family” issues are always so guilt ridden for me.

I’d love discussion about this.  Share experiences you’ve had and what you’ve done.  You have the floor…….

~sas

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EMDR?

Has anyone participated in this type of therapy?  My therapist is wanting to start it with me tonight in my session.  I’m a bit anxious but also a little excited.  I’m hoping it will help with some of the issues I had as a child (and still deal with).  Then again, learning and doing something new is always a little scary to me.

Anyone with any experience with this that would like to share?

~sas

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Never enough

We’ve been gone for so long that I thought I would give some background on what we’re about.  In a word….ACCEPTANCE.  Self-acceptance in every way.  Acceptance of your own looks, your body, your thought processes…just everything. 

We, especially as women, have been taught not to accept ourselves.  We’re too fat.  We’re too ugly.  Our ears aren’t just right.  We eat the wrong things.  We weigh too much.  We are too vocal, we’re not vocal enough.  We’re not tall enough or short enough.  Our feet are too big or too small.  We don’t clean house well enough.  We don’t make good enough grades.  IT’S NEVER FREAKIN’ ENOUGH!!!!

Now hear me out.  I said acceptance, not settling.  If you wish something about you was different, then by all means, change it.  But before you do any changing, accept yourself for who you are at that moment. 

One of my favorite illustrations is in the book Overcoming Overeating by Hirschmann and Munter.  I’m paraphrasing but it asks you to imagine you live on a planet where your weight would never change no matter what you did.  One day something happens and whatever weight you are when this happens, you stay that weight forever.  No changing it no matter what you try.   It asks that you think about what you might consider doing that you haven’t done before because of your weight…what are some risks you would take?  I’ve thought about this many times and there are a few things I would do (and some I’ve actually done, with reluctance).  I would wear shorts in public.  I would dance more.  I would be the social butterfly that my inner self really is.  Lastly, I would eat GREAT FOOD and drink GREAT DRINKS!

If you do this little exercise, I would love to see what you come up with.

Going back to my previous statement about accepting and not settling…I have accepted myself today, at this moment.  If I could never change I’d be ok with it.    A change I’ve been affecting for, let me see, this is my second week of doing it, is Intuitive Eating/Demand Feeding.  For about 5 years I have told everyone that this is the way to live and I’ve touted it’s benefits without really living it for myself.  I knew in my heart and mind that this is what my body wanted but my ED got in the way of the thought processes and actually doing it.

The basic premise of IE is to eat when you’re hungry, eat what you want and stop when you’re full.  There are different authors who go into other principles such as eating undistracted or carrying a food bag but I would say the main gist of it is to eat when hungry, eat what you want and stop when full.

Last week, my therapist suggested I start working a food plan.  I got with my EDA sponsor who is also a nutritionist and asked her if she would be able to help me with this.  Within two days of first talking about a food plan, I was in panic attack mode.  I was desperately searching for someone to hear me! (thank you AGR!)  Simply the words food plan sent me soaring into space!  I had no idea how badly it would affect me.  All I could think about was the old days when I had to keep a food journal, eat so many of each food group and get in certain amounts of foods.  I was panicking!!!  (even my husband who is ED’d saw my frustration and was worried about me)

I got a hold of my therapist and told her I needed a session right away and she saw within a couple of days (she’s always booked solid).  We talked and she understood where I was coming from and apologized for suggesting it.  She knows about my wanting to use the IE method and is very supportive of it.    After I spoke to her, I spoke to my sponsor and she agreed that she would not discuss food issues with me anymore – only the issues underlying what causes me to turn to food.  Whew!  What a relief.

The thing I’ve noticed in actually living IE is that the first thing you need to do to be able to initiate the process is to accept yourself.  You need to accept you for who you really are.  You need to accept that you, no one else, no weight loss group, no diet guru, no pill, knows you better than you do.  You need to trust and accept that your body knows when you’re hungry and when you’re full and, on top of that, it knows what it wants to eat.

Scary huh?  We’ve depended on other people to decide our worth, our way of dressing, our way of acting, our way of being AND OUR WAY OF EATING.  We’ve let other dictate who we are and have lost our own individuality!

So to end this post, I would say that we need to tell ourselves at least once a day that WE ARE ENOUGH.  We were always enough.  We’ll always be enough.  Changes may be made and that’s ok too – if it’s what WE want.  We don’t have to have validation from anyone else.

~sas

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Baby steps are leading to huge strides!



Wow!  I didn’t know it had been so long since we had been here.  I hope everyone is doing well and that you’re treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

I’ve had my ups and downs but I would say I’m gaining on life a little more every day.

Where am I now?  Well, I’m deep in my recovery from an eating disorder called compulsive overeating/binge eating.  I’m also in recovery from another disorder called self-hate/self-loathing.  The eating disorder and the self-hate disorder are so closely entwined that it’s impossible to differentiate between the two.

What am I doing to jump start my recovery?  Well, there are several things. 

Since my last posting I’ve started with a new therapist who has been lovely to work with.  It’s well worth the two hour round trip I make to see her. 

I’ve joined an EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) 12 step group that meets once a week.  It’s been a nice experience but it’s not one of those things that I would miss if something happened to disband it (which will probably happen soon because there’s currently not enough attending the meetings).

I am keeping a personal blog as a journal and that is going great.

I went on a shopping trip and bought a few more comfortable fitting items.  I refuse to wear ill fitting clothing any more.

I use daily affirmations.

I’m getting stronger and using my boundaries in a healthy way.

I’m practicing the guidelines of intuitive eating/demand feeding.  My therapist has actually met Geneen Roth and has been to one of her seminars.  We both have a huge admiration for Ms. Roth.  I think this is probably the biggest baby step I’ve taken thus far.   For so long (years) I talked the talk of IE but never really practiced it but now I’m walking the walk too!  I’ve had some eye opening experiences with it….like, I’m not hungry the minute my foot hits the floor to get out of bed first thing in the morning.  Who knew?

My hope is that I’ll be here more often.  Six months is quite a while to be gone.  Take care everyone and love yourself!

~sas

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Tragedy and therapy

I experienced tragedy in the middle of May.  My life will never be the same again. 

A couple of my friends were murdered in a senseless and horrible way.  I was in shock for a couple of weeks and I still keep thinking I’ll see one of the two friends at any minute…like they are not gone.  My heart aches and will for a very long time.

I’ve coped as I always have…I’ve eaten.  I’ve been trying very hard to make sure I’m really hungry before I eat but I’ve also been keenly aware of when I’m eating to cope.  It really doesn’t matter at this point.

About a week prior to the murders, I finally found a therapist in my very long search for one.  My appointment is scheduled for tomorrow and it couldn’t have come at a better time.  On top of the stress from the tragedy, my workload has doubled and I’m not coping with that very well.  I had a meltdown at work yesterday and voiced my very harsh opinions to a supervisor – of course as always, nothing helps.

I took off work today because I felt like I needed a me day.  I slept until 2:30 this afternoon and I sat out on my back patio.  I did nothing and it really didn’t help because it just left me time to think about all that’s going on.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose it at the therapists office tomorrow and she’ll think I’m totally crazy.  I’m not crazy but I know I’m feeling helpless, hopeless and exhausted.  I’m also feeling desperate – desperate to be heard, desperate for a new job or help with my current one, desperate for one night’s sleep that’s uninterrupted with horrible thoughts of the tragedy or funny memories from when they were alive.

I could type forever but I’m going to close for now.  Think about me tomorrow as I go for my first therapy session.  If she doesn’t admit me to the nearest psych ward, maybe I’ll be able to give you an update tomorrow night.

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BBT Struggle & Tons of Stress Lately

After a good while of feeling immune to the bad body thought (BBT) struggle, I have been struggling lately.  I didn’t even realize I was struggling until hubby brought up some of the manifestations of my struggle within that he has noticed lately…

What is interesting to me is the causes of this flare-up.  As I have posted recently, I have been feeling good – very good.  My automatic thinking about feeling healthy and strong was that I felt “thinner” than I ever have before – even than when I really was thin.  At first, this thinking didn’t shake me.  Then, all of a sudden, I would look in the mirror and be disappointed to see the obese me that I am in reality however “thin” I feel. 

Perhaps, even this was just a symptom though.  I have a history of eating disorders and BBT’s, for me, are often a signal that there are things going on in my life that are shaking me, maybe making me feel insecure.  It didn’t take me very long to compile a whole list of those.  It’s been a tough year in terms of emotions.  My step-dad died.  I realized my mother has many traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder which inspired a complete reframing of her behavior, my reactions, my childhood, etc.  I have had some realizations regarding my own happiness and ways to achieve it.  Thanks to my depression/PTSD/ADHD/and whatever else I have being well medicated, I am feeling more functional than I knew was even possible.  I seem to be making breakthroughs into healthier behavior in terms of self-care and patience with myself and life every day… it’s just astounding.  But, all these growth-spurts come with growing pains.  I have been having nightmares every night for weeks now.  It is exhausting.  Most of my dreams are so disturbing that no matter how tired I am when I wake up from them and no matter how early in the morning it is, I have no problem running from the bed just to escape more nightmares.  Last night, my nightmare was so bad that my dream-self became suicidal and it took me a few hours of being awake this morning to shake those feelings off.  How do I know these are growing pains?  I’ve been here before.  I cannot remember a time when major breakthroughs in my waking life did not cause weeks or even months on end of really disturbing nightmares.  It’s strange how I can be so much happier (most of the time) in the waking world, only to have the worst dreams of my life every freakin’ night.  I can’t wait for this bit to end…  Bleh!

So, yes, my stress is high and is probably not helping my body image at the moment. 

At least, I’m feeling better today.  After a talk with hubby on Saturday, I have been challenging myself.  At this point, what is helping in a strong stance in it being none of my business what my body looks like in terms of fatness or thinness.  If I cannot handle this information without abusing myself with it, it’s none of my darn business.  Second, it’s none of my business how my husband sees me.  The last few weeks, I’ve been worried a lot about how he sees me… if he sees me as feminine enough or pretty enough or cute enough or whatever.  I tried to see myself through his eyes when I looked in the mirror and what I saw was never good enough.  But, it’s none of my darn business.  The fact of the matter is, he is attracted to me – however horrible I think I look.  It is not my job to read his mind.  It’s my job to be myself and take good care of myself and share what a lovely person I am with him… not to worry about my image to the point that I make us both miserable with my self-loathing. 

Hmmm… interesting that I’ve been stressing myself out over mind-reading…  I’ve been processing a lot of abuse stuff from my family of origin and I have been remembering a lot about feeling so pressured to be a mind-reader for my parents.  They were constantly changing the rules, so that I would lose (I was their scapegoat) and yet they demanded that I should know what they wanted, what they were thinking and all that.  I wonder if I have been re-enacting some of that lately.  It is possible…  I’ve noticed that sometimes processing old wounds can lead to small re-enactments in the hear and now, because sometimes I get lost in that old mind-set… that old way of living that I ran away from just as soon as I was 17.               

On top of all that, I had a good cry over the loss of my step-dad Saturday night.  It’s Monday now and my eyes still feel tired from the tears.  Since getting to know my step-siblings (that he abandoned), I have been feeling mostly angry at him for all he did to them.  I have been feeling sad for all they went through… and sad for all I went through that they were able to validate for me by confirming similar experiences.  The sadness at his passing was on the  , but it’s back now.  I’m still angry at him and sad for his biological children, but there’s now room in me again to also be sad that he’s gone.  I think of his face when he laughed his mischievous laugh and it hurts deeply that I’ll never see that face again.  My poor dad… I wish I could’ve made him life forever…  Here come the tears yet again…

Today, I’m feeling better about my body after a weekend of challenging the unhelpful thoughts I’ve been stewing in for too long.  Given all the change this year, I predict this may well be an emotionally tumultuous year and a year I also struggle with old thoughts that don’t help anyone – least of all me. 

Ironically enough, I’ve been happy this weekend for my struggle in one respect – it has given me something to post about.  🙂  I spend an awful lot of time wracking my brain for post topics, coming up with nothing and then feeling sad for this poor blog that I don’t post on as much as I’d like. 

Right now, in this moment, I want to celebrate the good things that I’m grateful for:

 – my lovely, mischievous kitties

– my ability to take the car to the mechanic today for some maintenance without having a panic attack over a) leaving the house, b) being fat while leaving the house and c) having a change in the routine

– my education and intellect

– all the beautiful greenery outside

– the daughter of narcissistic mothers website… it has changed my life

– the fatosphere 😀

– my friends and commentors

– and last but so not least, my hot, sweet husband who lets me cry and ramble and process away without taking anything I say too literally and just lets me be me

–AngryGrayRainbows

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Strength came out of the storms

ThunderLightning           Tornadoes  Hail

STRENGTH

If you have been reading here lately, you know that I’ve really been struggling lately.

I don’t know why but yesterday I was able to get out of bed and have a somewhat clear-thinking day.  The storms pushed through our area, the tornado sirens went off, we got in our closet with our dog, flashlights and radio and we survived a day of bad weather.  Because of the drop in barometric pressure and the really high humidity, I had a barometric pressure headache.  I mean it was a killer.  It seemed that my head alone weighed 50 pounds and it throbbed like crazy.  I just knew it was going to explode.

Through all the craziness of yesterday I think I came out a better person emotionally.  A couple of times I just simply had to retreat to bed to get away from the constant warnings on the TV and the throbbing of my head.  I guess in those moments I reflected back on what I consider to have been better times for me. 

I realized I have completely fallen away from accepting myself.  I have “allowed” someone else (my dear hubby) to change how I view myself.  Now this is about par for the course for my life because I have a history of letting other people’s opinions of me determine my feelings toward myself. 

I thought back to the few months that I was completely immersed in self acceptance and how good it felt.  I can remember that my self acceptance had me feeling good about myself but mostly it helped me to not give a flying rat’s ass what anyone else thought of me (including my dear hubby).  My self acceptance/fat acceptance/body acceptance allowed me to gain my self respect and see my own self worth.

With that in mind this morning, I got up and went straight for the computer.  I had gotten out of the habit of reading some of my favorite FA blogs (because God forbid you get any support  from society and your work buddies!) and I know when I go to those blogs (see our blog roll) that I will feel like someone knows what I’m going through.  I see hope when I read from people who are struggling as I am or, even better, from people who truly accept themselves and shout it to the world!

Today is a new day and I feel I have a new strength.  Thank you fellow bloggers!

~sas

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Going backward

AARRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Yes, I’m going the wrong way and at times it seems the speed at which I’m going can only lead to me crashing and burning. I think I’m dangerously close to that happening so I’m here bearing my soul once again. (And just as a sidenote, thank you so much to my co-blogger AGR who keeps me on track!)

I’m going to put out there a list of the feelings I’m dealing with right now…and I’ll be honest…I’m not dealing with them well.
self-contempt, self-loathing, uncertain, doubting, sad, hurt, controlled, disappointed, tired, lonely, alone, distrustful
Those are just to name a few.

I sometimes have days where I feel I’ve made great strides in my recovery and in my own self-acceptance but those days are becoming fewer and farther between nowadays. It seems that the headway I’ve made is slipping away a little at a time.

The headway I speak of is the fact that I had gotten to where I was trying very hard to live intuitively and to listen to my body and love it. Along with that came the self-acceptance and self-appreciation that comes with a healthy recovery. I didn’t do the IE thing all the time every day but it was getting to be easier and easier as time went on.

If you’ve read us for very long then you know I’ve been having a struggle with my husband the last few months with “sharing” food. It all came to a head yesterday and I’m still actually quite mad about it.

A little background is that my husband has an addictive personality and when he began treatment for one addiction, his new obsession became exercise and weight…not only his weight but MINE. He has gotten to where he seeks out exercise magazines or online, he has set up his shed to be a home gym and he watches everything he eats. Now that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Where it turned toxic for me was when he started trying to control my recovery.

For the past few months he would ask me to share meals with him and he would tell me it was helping HIM watch HIS weight. He made it seem like I was doing him a favor and he would make me feel guilty if I didn’t do it. I’ve confronted him about it before and told him that sometimes I’m just hugry and he needs to let me order what I want, him order what he wants and he can take the leftovers home. He told me that if he orders it and it’s in front of him he will eat it (see the guilt?).

Saturday night he asked me if I would take him out to breakfast the next morning and I knew he meant McDonalds so I said “sure”. We got up Sunday morning and got dressed and we went to our local McDs. We headed up to the counter to order and I asked him what he wanted. He said, “well will you split a big breakfast with me?” I said, “no, I’m really hungry today.” He got furious with me. I took my happy ass up to the counter and ordered my own big breakfast with pancakes. He ordered an egg mcmuffin. At that point I don’t know if I was really hungry or if I did it just to prove a point…I ate the whole thing!

When we got our food I looked him square in the eye and told him I refused to feel guilty because he didn’t order what he truly wanted and because I wanted to get my own meal.

There have been days where we have split every meal and I would sometimes only have 800 to 1000 calories a day. Sometimes I went to bed hungry. Most times it made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own body to tell me what or how much to eat. Other times it only reiterated to me that my husband didn’t accept me the way I am so why should I? My recovery has suffered because of these actions.

The conversation which resulted from his behavior at McDs did have him finally saying he was trying to control my recovery and he realized it. I don’t trust that he really sees his controlling of me. He agreed to stay out of my recovery but my thought is that I have to “prove” to him that I can make the “right decisions” for myself before he stops trying to control them for me. I have an uphill battle ahead of me.

To say what I expect others to want to hear is that I’m going to stand my ground, work my recovery and take care of myself but what I’m going to say instead is the truth…I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting this battle with myself and now I’m fighting the battle with my own husband. My mind is no longer clear. I’m struggling and it sucks.
~sas

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