Expectations

If my cats had wings, I would be in so much trouble…  But, I love how this image evokes a feeling of intuitively pondering and following one’s dreams… 

Hah!  But, onto the purpose of this post…  I am once again relearning the importance of my expectations and that an important coping tool for me is to manage mine.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with my recent happenings, I have recently worked to get more active in life and have sometimes struggled to get out of the house or sometimes even get off the couch due mostly to PTSD and flashbacks.  Years of therapy, challenging my thoughts, reparenting myself and medications have helped me come a very long way in healing from the abuse that seems to have injured my mind and spirit…. and I am always trying to learn new things (like ways of coping and thinking) that will help me live my life.  😀

I’ve been observing my thoughts and realizing that I often make a problem out of things that could be fun.  Like when one of my walkable cats (only two of mine are able to go for walks outside) wants to go for a walk.  My first reaction is often: “Oh darn… stupid cat… always wanting to do boring stuff… agh!”  Usually I challenge this kind of thought with reminding myself that I love my cats and that it’s good for both of us to go out and get fresh air.  However, it dawned on me that if I didn’t have any pet that could go on a walk with outside that I would crave to get one that could, cuz I would think that walking a cat or dog (or ferret or whatever…) outside would be FUN!  That inspired me to change my expectations of taking my cats out for a walk.  My first expectation that comes to mind (for most things, not just walking cats) is that it will be boring, no fun, annoying, painful, awkward or something else unpleasant.  This expectation does make rational sense as I have spent most of my life abused or depressed or both.  Abuse and depression (and PTSD) can suck the fun out of life.  Things that were once enjoyable become boring, neutral or a pain in the butt.  I sometimes forget that I am quite capable for enjoying my life today.  In fact, walking my cats outside IS FUN for so many reasons.  It makes more sense today to expect that walking my kitties will be enjoyable… fun. 

I remember that when I was in uni that I liked to study.  I liked honing my skills and I liked academic achievement.  I liked packing my brains with knowledge and skills.  Yet, today, my expectation of learning is pain… this is another expectation that I would like to challenge and turn around into an expectation of something enjoyable. 

Other things I want to find an element of fun in: learning new skills and studying (like Excel macros) & housework…  Just thinking of these two things makes me tense up and expect large amounts of pain, which just isn’t realistic!  I have a great sense of humor and I’m not afraid of being a goofball!  I can make all kinds of things fun… it is time to remember that I am capable of this.  Of course, the easiest way for me to remember that I can have fun while doing housework or studying is to drink a bit of alcohol.  However, I don’t like alcohol that much to drink more than two glasses a month (at most!  I really just don’t enjoy the stuff so much.), so this is no long term solution… not to mention I come from a long family history of alcoholism on both my bio-parents sides. 

I suppose, another way for me to think about this is to think of having fun as a skill of sorts.  It can take effort, but I imagine that the effort would be well worth it… right?  I wonder if my own playfulness and natural ability to make many things lots of fun blinded me to the idea that it is OKAY to make an effort to make things fun.  Hmmm…

Lots of new stuff to chew on here…

Do ya’all have any input?

–AngryGrayRainbows