… when nothing fits? It boggles my mind that I can go to a mall that is as huge as Woodfield and still spend hours without finding anything that fits or fits well. I read somewhere that designers think that if they make clothes for larger women that all the thin women will stop buying their clothes, because they will resent “working so hard” for their thin bodies while fat women sit around and eat twinkies all day and get to wear the same clothes.
I have spent most of my life starving myself and over-exercising to the point that my complextion went gray and a lot of other icky things happened… I worked so hard and yet I still couldn’t fit in anything from the Gap or Express or Forever XXI. Without fail, I assumed that I didn’t work hard enough… I hadn’t suffered enough… I hadn’t suffered as much for thinness as those hard working thin women who are worthy of jeans from the Gap. It’s so sad that I took some ignorant designer’s heartless words to heart and judged myself by them. I deserved better… and so do any of you folks out there who still are effected by these ignorant ideas.
As a teenager, I finally gave in and went to the men’s section of the local department store to try to find clothes that fit. I cannot begin to describe how much it angered me that not only men’s clothes were made to fit very fat men and those clothes weren’t even put in any “plus-size” section. For men, fat is okay. For women, you are unworthy of clothes at most stores. In the area where I grew up there weren’t any Lane Bryant’s or stores like that. I wore the few clothes I could find that fit until they had holes in them, because shopping was a freakin’ horror and I’d rather avoid it and it’s not like there was a lot of clothes out there for me anyway… and I wasn’t even really fat at that time. I ranged from normal to what most would just call a little chubby.
Recently, I gained some weight. My eating is balanced and healthy. I am physically active. I think the weight gain is a combo of the side-effects of my anti-depressant and the weeks I spent sleeping 12 – 16 hours a day in recovering from some crazy burn-out from my previous job that was just soul crushing. Most of the time, I can neither find clothes that fit in the “normal” clothes shops or the plus-size shops… I’m generally one of those “in-betweenie” folks. But, I was actually relieved to be able to find clothes in the Target plus section that actually fit. I find it pretty ironic that for most of my life I have felt alienated from both the conventional clothes stores out there AND the Lane Bryant’s of the world. Sure, there was NYC & Co. that usually had something that would fit my in-betweenie body, but god for-freakin’-bid NYC & Co. had clothes that didn’t work with my body shape for a season… it was back to wearing really old clothes and trying to desperately patch up the old clothes until they came up with something that worked for me again.
Ultimately, I’m not even really mad at the clothes stores. I realize that there are lots of different kinds of bodies and that mine is prolly an outlier in several ways that makes finding clothes for it difficult. I’m tall, I’m not thin, I have crazy long legs and hips that are like woah… they need their own zip codes (I mean this in a good way 😉 ). I’m angry that so many people take the idea of fat women being gluttonous children who need to be punished by not having clothes made for them into thinness – seriously. I am angry that I believed the lies. I am angry that I nearly killed myself (and perhaps even permanently damaged my body) over trying to “please” the designers by finally being able to fit into their little club of a certain range of sizes. I am angry that my mother told me the things about designers not wanting to chase away thin customers by making clothes for fat women as well… and that she never challenged the idea. She just let me know like it was a fact of life and like I would never be good enough to be in the “conventional store clothes” club, because even if I starved and over-exercised and all that crap, I still wasn’t “good enough” for those stores. I am angry that it seemed like the plus-sized stores (when I finally discovered them in my early 20’s) had left me out as well, because I wasn’t fat enough. I am just angry for all the suffering over clothes I have gone through…
I am angry that the last time I wore a swimsuit to the gym, this woman looked me up and down with unveiled disgust. I looked at her back with disgusting… what she did was disgusting… but, it still hurt.
Do “they” (they as the people who judge fat people or people who aren’t “thin” enough in their judgement…) think that deep down we are just bratty children who know we deserve being treated like crap, but want to get away with the “murder” that is being the gluttunous fat slobs we are? I have been wondering what they think we think… what they think we feel… because, I am sure that they are wrong.
Being excluded, alienated and treated like crap hurts, because we are human beings and don’t deserve being treated less than human… we don’t deserve to be treated like charicatures or things or whatever. We are human beings. It is none of anyone’s business what we eat or don’t eat or whatever. None of their freakin’ business. It is as ignorant to assume that a fat person (just by their body shape) has certain habits or character as it is ignorant to assume a thin person is all virtue, discipline and light.
Do ya’all remember that “manifest destiny” stuff from history class? Ya know… that the US and the white man especially was divinely ordained and destined to take over all North America and Christianize the “savages” and all that. This morning, it popped in my head that it seems right now that this country is suffering from a manifest destiny of the thin… and that it is everyone’s duty to show the fat the error of their ways and beat them into submission – thinness which equates to moral goodness, discipline, flowers and sunshine… and all that tripe. The irony is, of course ,that the more diets we go on the fatter we get. The culture of trying to beat down fat people creates more fat people. Hah. In some ways we seem to be such a self-hating culture that maybe this is what we really want… more reasons to hate more people for stuff that does’t deserve scorn, judgement or anything else along those lines.
All that said, I’ll tell you some behinds the scene stuff about why I am so angry today. I’ve had a few weeks of struggling with the bad body thoughts. In summer, I am more prone to bad body thoughts, I’ve noticed. Maybe this is cuz the sizes at stores seem to get even smaller in the summer. I think a big part of it is that this culture is so chock full of body-hating BS that even those of us who make a big part of their life all about acceptance can still fall into the pit of body-shame. I’m angry that I’ve spent a few weeks feeling so icky, when I didn’t have to. I’m sad that I’ve suffered so… and I’m sad that I know other people suffer in the same way and even for similar reasons.
I think that right now, my anger is a good thing… it’s a sign of me rising back up in defense of my body and my realizing that I’ve been believing way too much of this wide-spread cultural fat judging junk. On the one hand I’m angry. On the other – I am relieved. Descent into bad body thoughts is never a fun thing and it’s a relief to break out. Besides… how many more amazing things can I accomplish when I’m not funnelling this ridiculous amount of energy into body obession and all that silliness. I am so tired of wasting my energy on an illusion… for compromising the quality on my life for believing lies about fat.
Are any of ya’all missing out on something due to buying into the fat lies to even a small extent? Has summer brought up the bad body thoughts for any of ya’all? Have you overcome these things? Are you still struggling? Are you an in-betweenie feeling left out of the clothes market? Are you just angry? Speak-out!! 🙂 I highly recommend it… it feels really good to get it all out. 😉
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Let me get this straight, according to your mother who I think is correct, paying for clothes is not good enough; the ability to purchase must be earned? In other words, going to the store to buy clothes is not a right but a privilege???
Bingo. And it has always boggled my poor little mind to see women on TV or to go with thin women I know at the mall and watch them find cool clothes at pretty much every store they went to… and they didn’t even seem to realize how lucky they were.
“this country is suffering from a manifest destiny of the thin…”
This is totally going on my favorite quotes list, if s’ok? 🙂
Hehehe… be my guest! 🙂 🙂 🙂
OMG I hear you. I’m new to FA so I am still working through a lot of this kind of stuff.
I am a Kiwi, and when I was a kid (chubby, curvy, and the only kid in my class with breasts) there were few, if any, plus-size clothing stores around. I fitted some adult clothes but wasn’t allowed to wear them (Mum grumped continually about the price) and I was made to feel so bad about my body that I hid it under an anorack – winter and summer! – for years. I began to diet but even starving myself didn’t work; I never became ‘thin enough’. And people always assumed I was lazy, despite the fact that I walked 6 kilometres a day (to and from school) with each 3K trip taking me around 20 minutes… I didn’t dawdle!
Over the years the guilt and stress got to me (and I probably buggered up my metabolism too) and I became big. *Really* big. Now I’m in my 30’s and about 300-odd pounds. There are more plus-size shops now but few of them go up to my size (I have very large breasts and a droopy tummy from my pregnancy) and those that do are usually frumpy. I have found some great stuff on the internet but it costs lots (due to the exchange rate and shipping costs) and I can’t justify spending that amount of money on myself. And many of the sites don’t ship internationally anyway.
I am angry. I am so angry at these people who told a curvy early developer that she was fat and gross. I am so angry that I now can’t bring myself to wear a skirt or dress, or even short sleeves. I am so angry that now when I go for a walk I can’t just stroll and enjoy it, I have to be ‘working out’ or it’s a ‘waste’.
Angry. Angry. Angry.
Actually – that felt kinda good, to get it all out. 🙂
Yay for getting your feelings out there!!
I love it how when I’d explain that I really did work physically hard (and yet was still not thin… and was sometimes – like today – even fat) and then I’d get 1000 questions from people who just couldn’t believe that it was possible to work hard and maybe even starve and STILL not be a super model. If what I was saying is true, then all the magazine covers that give tips to get “amazing abs” don’t sound as credible… cuz maybe some people aren’t meant to have a six pack no matter how many crunches they do! Gasp! The fantasy of thinness or body perfection isn’t attainable for everyone… perhaps even MOST PEOPLE. Heh.
Some of the other FA blogs out there have lots of links to clothes stores that might just work for you… if not… some of those blogs even talk about sewing for the fat body for the needle and thread inclined. Dunno if any of these things will be helpful for you, but they might be worth a try!!
Enjoying yourself is never a waste. 😉 Maybe that’s the most important thing I’ve written this year…
I’m actually one of those weird people who managed to survive adolescence with some shred of self-confidence intact. My mother, though by no means a subscriber to the ‘Fat people can be just as healthy as thin people’ idea, knew well enough that harping on my weight was never going to help things. The few times she’s attempted to talk to me about losing weight I have been confident enough to tell her that, while I love and respect her, she can shove the diet talk.
I’m 5’10” and roughly 200 lbs, so I actually have more problems finding clothing long enough rather than wide enough (which is not even close to the same experience, shopping-wise; salespeople don’t judge you for being tall like they do for being fat). But still, I know what it’s like going to the mall and being unable to find cute clothes in my size. I don’t know if it’s worse to be surrounded by jeans ten sizes smaller than you can wear, or, like me, by jeans that you could wear if only they came ONE size larger. Either way, it makes me angry that nice clothing is reserved for those who fit the (literally) narrow standards of the beauty and fashion industry.
I also get angry about the whole concept of models an clothing sites. Models are supposed to show customers what the clothing looks like on people. Shouldn’t there be a range of models wearing the clothing sold? Different sizes and shapes? Instead, we are given one or two pictures of the same very thin model who, for most women, doesn’t even come close to what they look like. Even worse, plus-sized clothing (as in ONLY clothing available in larger sizes) often is shown on thin women, as if no attempt has even been made to show us what the clothing looks like on us. ARGH.
Sorry, I’ve had issues with the fashion industry for a long time. 😛
I read somewhere that designers think that if they make clothes for larger women that all the thin women will stop buying their clothes, because they will resent “working so hard” for their thin bodies while fat women sit around and eat twinkies all day and get to wear the same clothes.
…and yet they will still not grok that this is the EXACT same attitude that right-wingers have towards poor people. (Not that there isn’t overlap between right-wingers and thin women, of course.) I worked hard for my money! Why should I give it to Them, those shiftless lazy people who buy cubic zirconia necklaces on QVC and buy dinner out at TGI Friday’s WITH BEER on credit cards and expect ME, fabulous ME, to foot the bill? Only hard-working people like ME are allowed luxury, Those People should be happy with rice and beans, just like I would be if I woke up one day naked and jobless with my identity stolen and my bank account cleaned out!
I agree with you, Meowser. I have always thought that this stems from the psychological need for control… but a need for control that can become overwhelming. For example: as long as I am a good person and do the right things then I will have money and be thin, etc…
This just isn’t the case. Poverty can happen to good, hard-working, smart people too…. just like fatness can. I think it’s a shame how both poverty and fat have been made moral issues by some folks in this culture. It’s like we have this compulsive need to believe that the Disney fantasy is true… if you’re just pure of heart, then everything will workout great… it just ain’t true…
From another POV, poverty is also an overwhelming issue. I grew up being taught that poor people deserved their poverty by being somehow “less than” and maybe somehow evil, but definitely lazy… anyway, when I realized this was crap, I was overwhelmed. If it’s not their fault… then I should help them… but there are so many poor people… how do I help people as much as I can and not end up living in a box myself? I think a lot of people are turned off by the deep thought required to deal with these realizations…
I still can’t say that I’ve got it all figured out. I’m always trying to work out that balance between giving to charity and giving to myself and how much is enough and all that.
Interesting thoughts, Meowser! Thanks for stopping by and making me think!
I hear what you are saying AGR and I really sympathize. Recently I gained about 70 lbs after a very restrictive diet rebound. I went from 5’8 and 267 (a low I hadn’t been to in years) back up now to 338 lbs. I had absolutely nothing that fit anymore.
Now you have to understand, I have never been interested in fashion. I don’t relate to the FA fashion blogs, I don’t wear make-up, my sole concern is being comfortable. I’ve learned for me, being comfortable and being fashionable are pretty much incompatible. I think bras are torturous, jeans are painful and nothing irritates me more than the never ending “shirt tug” to try and feel adequately covered by most fashionable items. I have only a few staples in my closet so when I put on weight – I literally had nothing to wear but pajamas.
When I went to Wal-Mart (which is the only place I can really afford clothes. Lane Bryant and the likes are far beyond what I can afford for clothes) I could barely even find their “plus size” clothes. Once I finally located the land of the lost – I found most of the clothing either a) didn’t fit or b) was highly uncomfortable to me. Being desperate if finally selected a pair of size 26 capri pants with an elastic waist. My heart nearly stopped. Had it really come to this? Was I the fat woman in a mans t-shirt and grandma pants with the elastic waist? I bought 2 pairs of the capri pants and 5 mens 2x shirts in bright colors. Then came home and cried.
Even though I don’t really care about fashion – I still knew that elastic waist pants are pretty much a cultural fashion death sentence that even I wasn’t really ready for. I put on a shirt and the capri pants to show my husband what I had bought and told him how horrible I felt. He looked at me with 100% sincerity and said “I don’t get it – you look cute – whats the big deal?” I felt a little better after he said I looked cute but was still reluctant to go out in public.
When I finally did end up going out my husband and I drove to a friends house about 90 minutes away. Sitting in the car I became distinctly aware of 2 things.
1) I was perfectly comfortable. No buttons, zippers or waist bands digging into my tender belly bits.
2) Because I was comfortable, I felt better about this outfit than any I had owned in 10 years.
So, not that my story is 100% on topic with your post (sorry! 😛 ) But I guess what I was trying to get at is that while I don’t participate in fashion really, I still end up feeling left out by clothes designers. Not just because of my size, but because of my size and my desire for comfort and I rarely find those two in mainstream fashion.
I got some tender belly bits as well… I so hear you!
You feel free to write all the stuff you want and take tangents as you like! Express yourself! It’s good for the soul!
I guess for clarity sake I would also like to add why I feel uncomfortable in most plus size fashions. I have a genetic skin issue called Hidradenitis Suppurativa – so while most plus size fashions are made from polyester and stretchy synthetic fabrics these are a painful, sweaty, ick-inducing option that I just can’t use. And I will admit that this definitely shapes my interest (or lack there of) in fashion – because I don’t want to waste a bunch of time searching for cotton clothing a reasonable price in my size (while usually leaving the store in tears).
…we are all individual and wonderfull people ,yet we still critisize ourselves because we supposadly look different to others… what we perseive of ourselves is not necessarlily true… accept yourself as you are, if people can not accept us as we are then let them worry about it .
Thank you for writing this, This is exactly why I hate shopping. Because those stupid stores with their stupid designers can’t seem to make clothes that will fit comfortably around my body. It’s almost natural to think that I’m at foult here, I mean, all those other women seem to fit those close fine. I must be the odd one out. Right?
Luckily, I do have a bit of confidence. I don’t know how or why, but while most size 16 women get cat calls in the street like “Yo fat mama”, whenever strangers yell at me, they just wolf whistle and go “Hey girl!”. Colleagues stare at my breasts; somehow I’m size 16 and still attractive. And I get a lot of my confidence from that.
Women on the other hand don’t react like that. Whenever I’m in a normal size store and I pick up a cute top or a nice bra and ask the attendant if they have it in XL, I get looks that just spell: “No of course not, you hippo! Go to the plus size stores and leave us alone!” And that’s what ticks me off. I have the same kind of money to pay for the clothes, I have an attractive body to put the clothes on, so why can’t I have the clothes?!
I know exactly how you feel, as I’m sure a whole lot of women do.
The fashion industry is sickening. I’m tiny – I’m a UK size 10 (sooo by my reckoning that makes me…. EU size 40, US 8? Not 100% sure) and yet, because I have hips and – dare I say it – boobs, I can’t find anything that fits. The designers aren’t even making clothes for thin people – they’re making them for starving, emaciated women who have no in-and-out bits. (http://frankiesoup.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/the-wider-world-the-wider-woman/ see my rant for details…)
And then I met my husband, who loves me because I’m bright and actually look like a woman. I spent so long trying to make myself into a teenage boy that I forgot who and what I was. To hell with the fasion designers – now I make my own clothes! http://www.burdastyle.com/
You are awesome for learning to make your own clothes! Maybe I should take a class… cool website BTW!!
So, I’m a short-and-wide person (five feet, one half inch or about 154 cm and around 222 pounds or 101 kg) and find that petite plus sizes, when I can find them, are still too long most of the time. I really need to learn how to sew.
At the moment, my body, especially my lower half, appears very round and spherical. This isn’t a bad thing, but clothes very look different on me than on the “wooden plank” lower body shape that is idealized. Some clothes really seem to emphasize this, and I’m not sure how I feel about wearing these clothes.
I used to loathe summer, but now that I live in a place with a short and relatively cool summer, I enjoy it more.
I will say this again, AGR, I wish I could go shopping with you!
Oh, and I wish I had been with you at the gym to stare down the woman who looked at you in that manner. At my Y, the only time I’ve had an experience like that was with some preteen girls, and I actually talked about it with the front desk folks, which helped, because they were very clear that they would discourage anything of the sort. My Y is a pretty safe place to be, body-wise.
Hi
I find it sad that in 2009 you can still find statements like this floating around in the Fat Community:
…………..I cannot begin to describe how much it angered me that not only men’s clothes were made to fit very fat men and those clothes weren’t even put in any “plus-size” section. For men, fat is okay. For women, you are unworthy of clothes at most stores…………..
The truth is than most fat men like myself have to travel some distance to the nearest “Big Man” Store or they do not bother and shop online.
William