I have many fears. I’m afraid of spiders, snakes, the unknown, death, dark alleys, etc…but I also have fears based on my weight and my recovery. Now hear me out…I’m not saying these fears are rational, I’m just thinking I really need to work on these and possibly work through them.
I actually have a fear of losing weight. Now this one I really want to work on! I have used my fat as an armor and shield, like something to fend off unwanted sexual advances, unwanted communication with anyone or even to just physically keep a distance. I know that sounds strange to some but I know for a fact that some of you out there can totally relate to what I’m talking about.
I’m going to try and work on this and reframe this. This has been a major issue with my recovery process and now that I’m on the road to self-acceptance and no longer have the goal to lose weight, I have to approach this fear in another way.
When I first started what I thought was recovery, I thought that I needed to approach this from the standpoint that “if I start seeing that my fat is not an effective way to repel people, then I’ll be able to release it and lose the weight.” But at this point in my recovery (what I consider to be my REAL recovery) I realize that weight loss may never come and I’m ok with that…so what does that do for me when it comes to dealing with this issue? It takes the “weight” out of the issue completely.
I gotta tell ya, it’s freeing to take weight out of an issue or to make weight a non-issue.
So what does that leave me with? If I take weight out of the equation, that leaves me working on the issue of why I feel I need an armor to protect me or why I feel like I want everyone to keep their distance from me.
I think this comes from my religious upbringing (as do most of my “issues”). I was taught that I was to be “set apart” from everyone else and I was not to be like everyone else so I put up that barrier. I was also taught that sex, sexuality, nudity, wearing shorts, swimming with the opposite sex, physical attraction, etc…were taboo and not to be acted upon or addressed. I was not to draw attention to myself in any way, whether it be sexual or not. Being taught that is why I believe I formed an armor around myself. I didn’t want anyone to notice me or judge me as being promiscuous or “bad”.
What have I learned thus far? Well, I’ve figured out that I may never lose weight so I need to deal with stuff, not bringing my fat into the process. Dealing with the taboos of my upbringing are what I need to really address, not the fat.
To lose weight to fix this issue would never work. Instead, I need to address the ideals, mores and “rules” I was raised with and challenge myself to have the gumption to think as an individual and not be blindly guided (or misguided) by someone else’s ideals.
For many years, especially as a teenager and young adult, I was quite introverted and nervous around other people. I was scared to be a part of any group or club because I was to be stay to myself. When I did venture into a group of any kind like my band in high school, my voice quivered when I had to speak aloud, I would get nervous to the point of tears and the butterflies in my stomach kept me in the restroom.
Now that I’m older and in recovery and learning that my religious upbringing was detrimental to my emotional health, I’m seeing that I can change my ideals and values and not constantly fear eternal damnation. That’s what I’ve got to do in this situation. I need to reframe all of this in my mind. I’m just not quite sure how to go about doing that.
Any questions, comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!
Angry Gray Rainbows 
I hear you… I also had a religious upbringing, though not as fundamentalist as yours, and I can relate a lot to what you wrote about your reactions to it…
One of my fav ways to help myself overcome challenges is visualization. In your shoes, maybe I’d visualize (in great detail) moving around in the world without that fear of being less fat and imagine myself responding to any feelings that came up.
If you think your weight is something you are using as a shield, you might be interested in reading Losing Your Pounds of Pain (Doreen Virtue I think, or maybe Geneen Roth). I know both women have written books on this issue. Also some cognitive behavioural therapy or psychanalysis might be helpful – I am a qualified therapist, which is why I mention those two modalities in particular : )
But you might also want to consider that thinking you are maintaining your weight as an emotional shield might be a subconscious way of simply not accepting that you are a big person and might always naturally be that way. I don’t know you so I can’t have an opinion either way about that, a trusted (and experienced) therapist would be the one to help you explore that sort of thing.
Good luck with it.
(I am a recovering fundy Christian so I get that totally).
What hurt me was guys who thought they were in my league. If they were the best I could hope for, I may as well eat whatever I want, until they stayed away, too. They didn’t listen when I said no.
I prefer ‘rechilding’ to reparenting as a way to work through past issues. Using puppets or dolls in psychotherapy has made a quantum difference for me.
I just started reading this website, too, and relate to it SO much. (Sorry if my Paris Hilton shoe posting sounded weird!)
Something I find myself saying frequently in session is, I can’t take care of myself. (My therapist always disagrees with me.) Like someone else here, I have been doing a short walk 3-4 times a week, that was difficult at first, now for over a year (to the bus, got rid of my car). Never mind intuitive eating – breathing heavily up the hill in the morning, I ask myself how I justified ordering heavy takeout the night before. I’m smarter than this. Whose will overrode mine? i.e., when I couldn’t take care of myself, and were the decisions made in my best interest, or were they abusive, and I was made to believe that bad was good for me?
My biggest problem as an adult has been overcoming self-sabotage. TRY to do something good for myself, and mess myself up worse in the process. Recently I tried to stop moving and doing and initiating as much as possible, until I felt safer, and reading a lot about psychology, esp. attachment – Winnicott, Guntrip, Searles, Giovacchini, Seinfeld, Coen, Linehan. I could not afford anymore to take one step forward, two steps back. It is SO hard to nail down my negative introject.