A recent post reminded me of an old problem I struggled with for most of my life – hating thin people… or just anyone thinner than me.
Commentor WeightlessOne said:
I think as a fat person, getting over that hatred of thin people is an important part of the journey not only to self acceptance, but to appreciation of all sizes.
I know that for me, hating people thinner than me was more about feeling abused by them. Whatever horrible things I did to myself because I couldn’t accept my fat… not being able to find clothes that looked good and fit… getting picked on at school – I pretty much blamed all of these things on thin people. Eventually, I pretty much blamed all my life’s problems on my weight and therefore… also thinner people. Beyond that, the barrage of unrealistically thin women portrayed in the media and defining beauty and sexiness as super-thin felt like a personal attack on me. I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful girl (at least until a certain age, when I started feeling like a complete frump). I didn’t understand why anyone else didn’t see that girl. Boys told me I was a cow and a pig. I was told I was fat by my father and by the kids at school. On days I felt especially pretty, it seemed the world did its best to demolish the idea that I could even be anything near even ACCEPTABLE looking.
What WeightlessOne said reminded me of my own important journey away from focusing so much on weight and hating anyone who had an easier time of dealing with their weight than I did. I wonder how many other folks have had the same struggle…? How many others have dealt with the toxic hate and blame of others, because they happen to be thin?
Ironically (to me anyway), learning to appreciate average looking and fat women helped me learn to find myself beautiful and my tension towards anyone thinner than me fell apart. The irony being that learning to appreciate fat people helped me drop the anger towards thinner people. 😉 Life has such a sense of humor sometimes. Heh.
Readers, commentors and friends – give me your input! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Where are you in your journey to let go of thin hate? If you’ve overcome it, how did you do so? If you haven’t overcome it, where are you stuck? Does anyone know about any books on this subject? Are you a thin(ner) person who has dealt with hate of fat people or hate from fat people just cuz you’re thin? What were your experiences?
I’ve found that one of the most important bits is to find MYSELF beautiful – whatever anyone else thinks. Life feels way to crappy when I don’t and it feels way to awesome when I do appreciate myself and other people of ALL sizes – thin, fat, average… everyone. Life is just too darn short to spend it miserable for what some people may or may not think about us… 😉
–AngryGrayRainbows
When I was heavier for a great portion of my life, I wasn’t always but usually jealous of thinner people. I don’t even know why I ALWAYS had a boyfriend. I guess it’s from being picked on by thin jealous girls or the boys that I REALLY wanted that didn’t want me usually wanted thinner girls.
It’s easier for themto find cuter clothes and stuff like that but now that I’m under 200 pounds sometimes I get the “thin hate” especially when the heavier Wives see their Husband checking me out. Well, get used to it, Men look, (they prolly check out other heavy Women, too) I find it disturbing my Husband doesn’t have a more roving eye.
On another note I think he liked it when I was heavier, that’s how we met and hooked up and he said (after I lost weight) that I wore my chins well as a joke, I lol’d. I just think he likes his Women heavy and he doesn’t like ALL this extra attention I get now and that I actually care about looking cute.
GAH!
I could go on forever but I won’t, it’s hard to articulate words when I’m trying to have breakfast and keeping 2 small kids quiet!!
I wish I could say I was not a thin hater, and I do think I’m better than I used to be, but I’m thinking it will get better as I come to accept/love “myself”.
I don’t so much get twinges of jealousy on the clothes front anymore because I’ve found some places that carry really cute fashionable clothes.
I think, for me, the place I deal with thin hate the most is at the gym. It’s also the place where I’ve grown the most too though.
I know several people who go to my gym and although we’re not best buds, I know them enough to form an opinion about them. It’s been really interesting for me to get to know these people.
One example of a thin person I know at the gym is the personal trainer. I could see a fat person looking at her with jealousy because she’s very attractive and doesn’t meet a stranger. However, in my working with her, all my jealousy went away because she’s very down to earth, she listened to me and even confided in me some issues she has (issues aren’t size specific). She’s been nothing but a great motivator and someone to talk to if I need her.
Another example is a personal trainer who comes in to our gym scouting out people she wants to get as clients. She’s thin, cute and very outgoing. I could see why a fat person might look at her with jealousy but once you get to know her, there is little to be jealous of (in my opinion). She’s loud and obnoxious, a very big flirt and talks about fat people. She motivates through pressure and name calling.
Both of these women, outwardly, could make me jealous because of how they look but their attitudes and the way they carry themselves makes a load of difference in the way I see them.
If anything, I’m jealous of the first one for seeming so sweet and gentle but I’m not jealous of the second one at all.
I have a lot of work to do in this area but I think I’m further along than I was a year ago.
I used to be jealous of the thin girls/women and didn’t want anything to do with them. At the time, it was because they had an easier time finding cute clothes without having to make them themselves (I always had cute clothes, but I made them, didn’t like what I could buy that would fit me), didn’t have to worry if their butts would fit in a seat, and didn’t get called nasty names just for existing. But then I started thinking about how I was stereotyping them just like I was being stereotyped, and found out that thin women have just as many body issues, and while they may have more options for clothing, they have just as many fit issues as fatter women do. I’m still judgmental in some areas, and I’m working on that (I’ll probably be working on it the rest of my life, just as I think I’m over it all, here comes another thought that turns out to be jealousy/envy/judgment and then I have to work on that one).
I absolutely agree that being able to let go of “thin hate” has been an essential part of my own self-acceptance.
I think there’s a necessary stage in overcoming self-hatred that involves a pendulum swing in the direction of loving those who are like you — but it’s really important not to get stuck there.
I might still feel that for me, personally, curvy women are beautiful and sexy, but that doesn’t mean that thinner women aren’t. There is such joy in learning to see beauty everywhere. There isn’t any one beauty — there are many beauties. And just as I find plump and rounded beautiful, long and lithe can be beautiful to me, too.
It has helped to see that many of my plumper friends carry the most judgement about weight while some of my more slender friends are more accepting, and less judgemental, as they haven’t really absorbed the fat hatred in such an intense, personal way.
This is such an important concept.
After about 5/6 years into my own self-acceptance journey (which was about 5/6 years ago), I heard myself using that old tired phrase that so many people use when they’re judging a thin person, “Jeez, eat a sandwich.” And I think I truly heard myself for the first time. I was doing to that thin woman exactly what I was asking the world not to do to me and something clicked. I set myself on a personal mission to find a beautiful physical aspect in everyone that my brain wanted to criticize. What I learned along the way is that all people are beautiful on the outside once you learn how to ignore those societally-programmed hate responses and focus on what you, in your heart, find pleasing.
I work very hard not to judge anyone based on their appearance. You won’t hear me critcize someone’s clothing (okay, I give myself a pass on that for the Oscars) or hairstyle. And when I’m around others that do judge by appearances, you’ll tend to find me saying something positive or defending someone’s right to look and dress as they please. It has done wonders for my own self esteem, which was something I’d never anticipated when I started working to change that judgemental part of myself.
Oooo… love the comments… I think there wasn’t a comment that I couldn’t relate to in at least one way. I love that…. thanks for the participation!!!
I will throw out a few points that struck me…
I agree that men (as a group) will look at women of all shapes and sizes…. not just thin women, though for too many years I didn’t believe this. I was sure I wasn’t worthy of any kind of attention due to the way I looked unless I looked like a model… what silliness that was. I can’t say that I particularly like being looked at (unless it’s by my BF, it usually creeps me out), but I’ve found I get a lot more looks when I have a healthy attitude about myself – even if my clothes aren’t perfect… even when I was obese… even now that I’m overweight and sometimes my jeans are a little tight, cuz I recently gained a little.
Like Vesta, one of my big reasons for hating thinner women was cuz they could buy clothes. According to most doc charts, when I was a tween and teen, I was just barely overweight at most… and yet I still could not find clothes most of the time! I have long legs and wide hips… sure, they’re beautiful, but they are HARD TO CLOTHE. I’m only 5’9″, but almost all my pants when I was a teen looked like “high water” length because my legs are most of me. Sheesh. I always had friends and relatives who could walk in to just about any store and find something that looked good on them. That has never been the case for me… but that isn’t the fault of thinner folk… and I learned that the anger, most of all, hurts me. It’s better to use my voice in a respectful way in the hopes that clothes makers will listen.
I went through something similar to what Sassy described… I used to admire thin women. I automatically assumed that they were superior to me in some way and assumed they had some great qualities simply because of how their bodies looked. At some point, I started really observing who they were and what they did… and found that some thin women were jerks. Some are lovely. Like fat folks, they are diverse… and like WeightlessOne said, assuming all sorts of personality qualities based on the way someone looks is stereotyping… and it took me a very long time to realize that… and to realize that stereotyping people of ANY SIZE hurts all of us in one way or another.
Last weekend, I had a friend over and we watched “The Changling.” There is this one scene where Angelina Jolie’s character is in the face of the man who she thinks may have murdered her son and she is angrily trying to get him to confess it. I made this comment… “Angelina has some horsey teeth there…” or something like that to do with her having horse teeth. I immediately regretted it. Angelina is one of those women who I REALLY HATED cuz she was so thin and portrayed as so oversexualized in her movie promos, etc. I am happy to say that in this case, I meant horsey teeth in a neutral way… simply something that was as I saw it and not some insult… just some interesting quality that caught my attention. Who knows how my friend took it (I didn’t explain…. just left it off), but I am happy that my conscience pops up like that even with something that might be read as offensive and that I’ve learned pretty darn well that commenting on someone’s appearance is just not okay. Frankly, sometimes those comments come out of my mouth… it’s rare and I don’t like it when it happens… but I’m working on it. Progress, not perfection… right?
hmm…I’ve never outright hated thin women as a whole group. However, I have come across individuals in life whom I’ve thought were terrible for one reason or another, and sometimes the head-trips that some women have about their own thin-ness or presumed ‘healthiness’ really bug me. Vegetarians and vegans, yoga people, organicatarians, over-exercisers, PEOPLE WHO CLEANSE when they don’t need to…stuff like that. That’s nervy to me.
I love clothing, and so of course it’s always been desirable to be able to walk into a store and try on a bunch of stuff. But I can do that now, and I’m not thin.
And curvier women can pull off certain looks that their slender-er sisters just can’t do as well, ya feel me? The curvy, sexy, va-va-voomm, berry-bursting-with-juice look, for example. Most times in life I’d rather be Mae West than Olive Oyl.
* ; )
It is better for me to think of people (myself included) in more wholistic terms…not limited to fatness and thin-ness…energy, aura, smile, eyes, hair, ATTITUDE (a b!tch is a b!tch, am I right?), intelligence, charisma, on & on…
Hope, you are lucky that you naturally didn’t stereotype like I did. 😉 Good for you!
Hi AGR,
I think maybe it’s because I have a bit of a distracted personality, or maybe it was my long-term eating disorder, but I never hated thin(ner) women. Hate is such a strong term; I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone except for the men who raped and abused me, and myself (not currently, thank god).
Every time I didn’t fit into a certain size clothing, or the cellulite on my legs/arms showed, etc, I blamed myself and punished my body with starvation and exercise binging. I thought *everyone* was more attractive than I was, fat and thin. I could see how beautiful each and every one of them was — each person had something about them which shone out of them, making them beautiful — but *I* didn’t have it. Does that make sense?
Perhaps also because I was close friends with very thin women who had their own set of tribulations about their bodies, I knew that it wasn’t a perfect world for anyone. I pitied my friend who had to buy clothes in the youth section because she was too thin and short to wear clothing in the junior’s section, and my thin and tall stepmother who could never seem to find pants long enough for her.
BigLiberty… oh yes, what you say does make sense. I went through that bit about blaming myself as well… I alternated between blaming others and myself really.
Ya know, I think it’s really interesting that you saw thin women suffering as you did. I never did. I had lots of thin friends and we’d go to the mall and they’d find the most awesome clothes with ease… just walk into any store, find something cute, find size… buy it. Even at my thinnest (a size 10), it was never that easy for me because of my body shape.
I got especially angry cuz some of those thin friends would make it out like it was somehow my fault that there wasn’t clothes that would fit me… like somehow my hatred of clothes shopping (hello, cuz nothing ever fit me!) was a result of my “bad attitude.”
I’m so glad you never got to that hate stage… it is just no fun at all. 🙂
“I got especially angry cuz some of those thin friends would make it out like it was somehow my fault that there wasn’t clothes that would fit me… like somehow my hatred of clothes shopping (hello, cuz nothing ever fit me!) was a result of my ‘bad attitude.’ ”
Oh, that definitely happened to me a few times when I was younger. After that, I shopped alone. Now, I prefer it that way, because I can take my time and really think about what I’m looking at. Still, the gaggle-of-girls shopping ritual seems fun for a lot of people, and when I was younger I felt a little left out.
As for hating thin people … I only recall hating certain really awful individuals, not because of thinness, although if they did happen to be thin, I *did* add that to the list of their of dislikable traits. Now I would be careful to leave size out of it — and focus on their crappy personalities! 🙂
However, even though it’s not hate or jealousy, I often DID prejudge thin people — and especially thin people who had conventionally good looks — as being unempathetic and oblivious. As in, “Ugh, they don’t know what it’s like for the rest of us” and I mentally criticized them for their cluelessness. Of course, some thin people ARE smug, oblivious and/or fat-phobic … but I kind of defensively presumed MOST were, as in guilty until proven innocent. (There’s a funny 30 Rock where Liz dates are really good looking guy who’s always getting away with murder and he doesn’t know it’s because he’s handsome, but I digress … ).
I still think that many (but no longer all!) thin and conventionally beautiful people are don’t get how that’s a privilege … BUT two really important things have changed in my attitude since discovering FA:
1) I don’t think their innocence or even ignorance about size issues is incurable, and I do think that smart and kind thin friends can get it, or at the very least least respect my position. It was seeing the ideas of FA/HAES articulated so well within the Fat-o-sphere that made me realize that fat people’s experiences are _explainable_ and _persuasive_. Since I started very cautiously discussing it with some friends, I was relieved to find out that some are indeed receptive — what they usually respond with is mentioning the struggles of a fat family member. So I’m cautiously hopeful in my personal life … but when I see all the “obesity epidemic!!” stories in the news I remain troubled.
2) Equally powerful, maybe more so, is the FA principle that body sizes are not easily chosen or changed. I now think “Thin people can’t help it! They’re just thin, and I’m just fat.” I’m not fat AT them, naturally thin people aren’t thin AT me.
On the other hand, I still avoid — if I can help it — spending a lot of time with thin people who practice very restricted eating (for weight-conscious reasons, not because of allergies, medical concerns, etc) or who talk about food or exercise as moral issues, because I’m not yet secure enough in my self-acceptance for those attitudes to not feel toxic to me.
Brilliant article.