For a few weeks, acceptance has been difficult for me. Perhaps it would’ve been easier if I would’ve posted more. 😉 However, I got my new laptop (my old one died) over the weekend, so maybe I’ll get back up to pace now… 😉
It took me these few weeks to remember that bad body thoughts are usually (if ever…) about the body and I have been in bad body thought city! Then I remembered what happened and the very day – the moment even – when the self-hate started bubbling up like some old toxic sludge…
Hubby and I were driving home from a grocery run and I saw this idiot that I dated for approximately four years – the guy who used to count my calories. I immediately was nauseas and scared. Only after the relationship ended did I realize it was abusive and being around that particular person is one of the last things that I want or need. But, the memories came flooding back… and I remembered how much looking a very certain way mattered to me and to my relationship.
I am surprised I never saw how superficial this guy was. Sure, he didn’t bother to groom himself to perfection. What he cared about was that I maintained a certain weight. Second and third priorities were my skin and hair color. He wanted me blonde and tan you see. I’m a glow in the dark pale brunette. Hah. Skin cancer runs in my family, but knowing this never stopped him from trying to pressure me to go lay out in the sun all day…
In some comments on a recent ShapelyProse post, I mentioned this relationship and one of the most ridiculous things in thin obsession I put up with, so I apologize if you’ve heard this already, but I think it’s worth laying this out in a post of its own – It was my birthday. We went to one of my favorite Italian restaurants. I dared to order dessert. He managed to keep his mouth shut until we left the restaurant and then he went off on me about that brownie a la mode was prolly like 800 calories and what the heck did I think I was doing eating something like that!
I was already an over-exerciser, but this particular person taught me how to go even further. I used what he taught me to abuse and even injure myself for years. He seemed almost as obsessed with my weight as I was. When we went to dinner, he always just wanted “a taste” of what I was eating and then would eat like half of it or more. In those days, I had prolly been restricting all day and working out strenuously and when I finally did get a meal, he ate it. When I got mad at him for this, he told me I was greedy. He’s a real winner, right?
Even more ironic, when I was diagnosed with bulimia and told him this, he got mad at me for having an eating disorder (even one that I didn’t know that I had… I didn’t vomit… I was a starving and exercise purger) and not telling him about it before. Right. So, the guy who enabled my eating disorder, encouraged my eating disorder and dumped me when I finally started getting better got mad at me for having an eating disorder that I didn’t know I had and not telling him… that is insane on so many levels it is just mind boggling.
The relationship finally ended after I had been in therapy for a year or so. He said that I started smiling and laughing too much. I am not kidding. Over dinner at another fancy restaurant he told me that I had started to smile and laugh too much so that he didn’t know me anymore. Plus, I had gained some weight – the big no-no. It didn’t take long for everything to unravel after that. Some men just can’t have feelings for women who can think straight (because they are eating enough to even think) and that smile (because they have the energy to actually feel happy). Sad.
Anyhoo, seeing that person walking down the street (I don’t think he saw me) brought back a whole load of memories that I would rather not have dusted off. I suppose I have not fully forgiven myself for even dating a person who is so shallow and cold. I started the awful wondering about how I could’ve been so amazingly stupid to have ever spent any time with that person. How could I have allowed myself to be in such a horrible relationship? How could I have ever let someone like that into my life and have so much control over me…? 😦
So, I’ve been working on forgiving myself for my mistakes… and it has helped me feel better, but some wounds take more than an instant to heal. Since the day I saw that jerk, accepting myself has been harder, though it’s getting easier.
I used to have this old and horrible habit of looking in the mirror and trying to imagine what he would think of how I looked. He generally had a lot to say about it. I had stopped doing this before the relationship even ended, but after seeing him on the street, I found myself with those horrible automatic thoughts of what he’d think of me now. Yippy. Now those are some fun thoughts. We haven’t talked in years, but I have little doubt that he would be angry at me (and express it) that I weigh what I weigh now.
Of course, my weight is none of his business. I’m sure my husband would be annoyed that this jerk is effecting me so. He gets similarly angry when I talk to my mother and, yet again, my mother makes me so mad or sad or depressed or whatever…
I suppose this is the time to remember that I have a choice to let toxic people (even those that only live in my mind at this point) to have control of me or not. Is Mr. IAMSOCRAZYSHALLOW worth my suffering? Hah. No. No way. He’s not even worth my sneezing in his direction…
Maybe this is a time to remember the good things in my life like my health and my hot and loving husband and my fur children and the garden outside…
Yeah, I’m feeling better already. Hopefully, I’ll be fully out of the bad memory ditch very soon. I’m tired of feeling crappy… seriously…
–AngryGrayRainbows
Angry Gray Rainbows 