Have you ever done something that hurt you physically or mentally so you didn’t do it again? Because you knew if you did it again it would hurt again?
I have come to the realization I have done that about “movement” and because of that, I’ve become imprisoned by fear….fear of movement.
I work in our tiny little downtown area but I’m lucky enough to have a general store next door in case I need something to drink or just want to get out of the office and shop. I decided the other day that my brain needed a rest from work so I trekked off next door and this is when I made my latest breakthrough.
I was walking across our parking lot to get to the store when I came across a curb that was put up to seperate our parking spaces. Now, normally I would walk all the way to the street side of the parking lot to avoid this 4 to 5 inch increase in concrete but that day I decided to try to gracefully approach the curb and step onto it or over it. I did it. I stepped right up on that curbed and hopped down on the other side.
In the past couple of years I have suffered from back and leg pain, specifically sciatica. It has been so bad at times that I was bed-ridden and my chiropractor made house calls to me. The pain was so intense at times that I stayed on pain meds and thought I would never get better. Now, granted, I still have back and leg pain but it’s so much better now than it was.
But memories of that pain….ooh, horrible memories of screaming out when I put my leg down and just trying to make it to the chiropractor’s office without passing out. Those memories were some powerful stuff. Those memories caused me not to take chances with movement anymore. I stopped going to the gym (where I went regularly for about 6 months), I stopped even trying to take the stairs at work, I avoided any inclines whenever possible but declines were even worse. Those memories played awful tricks on my mind. I eventually told myself that I was never getting better and that I should stay as stagnant as possible.
Then came the walk next door to the store. I walked over that curb like I had never had back pain. The fear I had had, though logical to me, was simply something I could prove to be false. I crossed back over that curb on the way back to the office and the next day I went down the stairs at work. (going up hasn’t been that much of a problem) Over the weekend I played with wonder mutt in the back yard and even ran a few steps, none the worse for wear.
Now I’m not going to say that the fear has totally subsided because I do think I’m pretty careful about how far I will go with movement…but the joy I have felt with the movement I’ve been able to emotionally chance has helped me break out of my prison of fear. Fear is a strong emotion and can easily take over your life if you allow it to.
My hope is that you all have movement and motion in your life and if not, be gentle with yourself and just do what you can. You know what you can do but don’t let fear rule your decisions. (and this goes for more than just movement)
Angry Gray Rainbows 
Omg. Yes. Yes. Yes!
Years ago, I dislocated my knee. It was the worst agony I have ever felt. Sometimes I think that if I was given a choice between having to live through it again, or just die…I might pick death. Because the pain itself…horrible, but this, what you are describing, is just as bad.
Living with the constant fear that it may happen again, the memory of what it felt like, stopped me in my tracks for years. I used to make my mom come and pick me up at school, a not too long of a distance away, so as not to have to walk home and risk another dislocation. I never exercised. I didn’t go out if the weather was bad. I tried to move as little as possible.
I didn’t really have a realization that made me stop; it was more that I hated my fat body so much (at the time) that I decided it was worth the risk.
Luckily I got off that path and managed to learn that I like movement and exercise, so now, I do what I can. I still have the fear, but just like you said, I try hard not to let it rule my life. Because, as much as I wish it did, fearing something will not prevent it from happening again.
Best of luck as you move through your journey!
I hear you about fear of physical pain. I still catch myself walking a little funny on my left foot, because I had toe pain for a few years when I was a teenager. It was very sharp pain that I felt every time I put my foot down (in walking or running, etc…) that lasted for a year or two. I went to the doctor and he said there was nothing wrong with it. Sigh. I still catch myself walking to compensate for sharp big toe pain that I don’t even have…
Then there is the knees. Years of overexercising, kickboxing and running killed them. After a year of being gentle to my knees, I’ve noticed that I can now take a short jog across the street if one of my cats runs after a squirrel without my knees crunching and hurting horribly… but, I still have a lot of apprehension about jogging even a few steps to catch an errant kitty or a train that is just about to leave. Pain memories can be so powerful and automatic.
You’re definitely not the only one… and I want you to know that you’re not alone.
And… that you’re awesome for working through all this. I know from personal experience how difficult working through this particular kinda thing can be.
I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I went for several years between when it first started bothering me and when I finally went to see a doctor. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t walk without pain, couldn’t do ANYthing that involved turning or otherwise putting pressure on my wrists, and sure as hell couldn’t get on or off the floor. When I moved to NYC and HAD to find a way to walk around, I finally I went to the doctor and got treatment. Now, I can do a lot of the things I had stopped being able to do, but I have a hard time convincing myself to try them.
I’ve only recently rediscovered being able to sit on and stand up from the floor.
SAS – I am not happy you are in pain but I am so impressed with the way your are dealing with it. There is no talk of dieting or fat blaming. Even if, and that is a big if, weight loss would help, no one knows how to accomplish that goal.
I am 55 and just started really noticing pain and stiffness in my knees when I kneel down and then get up. Do you think that some of this is age and not really weight? I also have had the immediate thought, “Oh, I need to lose weight” when this happens but then it goes away! I hate exercise but I am in yoga and water aerobics classes so that I move a little at least.